tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post431866325721379542..comments2024-02-21T02:19:16.755-08:00Comments on Widow's Voice: Seven Widowed Voices Sharing Love, Loss, and Hope : Wandering or Lost?Michele Neff Hernandezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356589209090780127noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-21171934271156973462012-11-21T20:33:35.866-08:002012-11-21T20:33:35.866-08:00Thanks Mjay, Cathy and all others that commented o...Thanks Mjay, Cathy and all others that commented on my comment above. You guys have no idea how this site has helped me cope with my loss. I am registered for Camp Widow 2013 in Myrtle Beach, SC. I hope to meet some of you there. Bless you all.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-23032134778925513762012-11-21T19:44:46.071-08:002012-11-21T19:44:46.071-08:00It's really good to hear that it helps, anon. ...It's really good to hear that it helps, anon. <3Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-71445024506101161992012-11-20T13:53:00.023-08:002012-11-20T13:53:00.023-08:00Cassie, you took the words out of my mouth! I so f...Cassie, you took the words out of my mouth! I so feel what you feel and wonder about the same things. It feels so good to have someone else say it, beause in this again I know I am not alone. I loved being a wife, although I never wanted to be Martha Steward! I was proud of it and the protection I felt as a result. I had no problem being single, before we met so I know my feelings are not about that, but about losing the whole idea of a soul mate, still feel he was mine, but on the other hand want to find another! As for my dreams, they seem so small and insignificant now without the person I wanted to share the joy of accomplishing them with. I too feel like I am wandering looking where to land, moving forward, but do not know what towards, since my foundation has been rocked! But I know that you get it! Thanks for this post. It helps!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-56147848078171845552012-11-19T20:53:22.834-08:002012-11-19T20:53:22.834-08:00I feel bad for all of us....I just told someone la...I feel bad for all of us....I just told someone last week, I have no enthusiasm for anything, no passion. I loved being Mike's wife. I didn't have to try and find something to get excited about, a hobby, or volunteer, or keeping busy every minute of the day. I could just BE...can't just do that anymore according to people. I am better than I was 3 1/2 years ago, but not anywhere near where I want to be. I miss him more than ever. I always will.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-69835558662685058912012-11-19T20:16:17.235-08:002012-11-19T20:16:17.235-08:00Anon,
I am so sorry for your loss. I am a bit fart...Anon,<br />I am so sorry for your loss. I am a bit farther along in my grief journey than you, having lost my husband almost 3 yrs ago. I am near your age, was with my husband for 38 years also. Give yourself some time, yes, we all still grieve, but time does soften the pain. I think I will grieve for him the rest of my life, but I will go on living, too. The holidays are still very tough to get through, prepare yourself, give yourself plenty of options (and those options can include not being involved in anything). Joy and happiness?...ummm, not yet, not even an inkling of them. I hope your grandchild will bring you joy, it will be a bittersweet moment for you, I am sure. Peace to you.Cathynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-51875518998858535302012-11-19T19:59:31.725-08:002012-11-19T19:59:31.725-08:00I feel for you. I remember 6 1/2 months. I am no...I feel for you. I remember 6 1/2 months. I am now at 21 months, and while different (some would say better than) than 6 1/2 months, this journey is longer than I EVER imagined. However, I have learned that with such a deep relationship that we had, it only makes sense that my grief will be deep and long. 21 months does not feel like 6 months, I'm not as much of a mess as I was at 6 months. But it still hurts. I carry the heaviness of my loss with me everyday and almost every minute of every day. Sometimes its bigger than others. I am moving forward and I know it; I can see it; but I hate that too. I have no idea how I will ever be happy, but I know that God must have some purpose for me and the rotten pain of learning to live without my beloved (we were married almost 32 years). There have been so many big deals that he is not here for - we have a new grand-daughter coming in March......tough tough tough. My heart goes out to you. I encourage you to "just do the next thing" on days when you are overwhelmed. I would say it gets better, and I think it does, it just takes a great deal of time to adjust to something that you don't want to with every fiber in your being. Mjayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10497341946686034149noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-7855599304469582162012-11-19T19:42:41.907-08:002012-11-19T19:42:41.907-08:00want me to remind you on a daily basis? :)want me to remind you on a daily basis? :)Clairenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-65563486623108178132012-11-19T19:30:09.591-08:002012-11-19T19:30:09.591-08:00Cassie,
I am 6 1/2 mos. out from the loss of my b...Cassie,<br /><br />I am 6 1/2 mos. out from the loss of my beloved husband and soul mate. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride that will never end. Your post couldn't have expressed how I feel more if I'd written it myself. No passion, no excitement. Projects, omg, I don't think there are enough to keep me busy mentally and physically. We were married 38 1/2 yrs. and nothing I do seems to fill the void. I found out one month after my husband's death, my son and his wife are expecting my first "grandson". If anything should fill my heart with joy this should be it (a little Mikie). Still my heart is so broken I can't feel anything. I'm reading how far out most of you are from the loss of your loved one and I'm feeling even more fearful that this is the way I will spend the rest of my life. I'm 58 yrs. old and still very active but I feel like this is the way I'm going to spend the rest of my life.<br /><br />My heart goes out to each and every one and I pray your holiday season will be better than the last and your future will be filled with joy and happiness.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-54833617685084792332012-11-19T15:44:53.729-08:002012-11-19T15:44:53.729-08:00Cassie,
Your post brought tears to my eyes...so c...Cassie,<br /><br />Your post brought tears to my eyes...so captured the way I feel and have felt so often. I am so sorry that you too struggle with such feelings but thank you (and those who commented as well) for lifting me. It is so comforting to know that I am not the only one to feel like this---it's as if the meaning of things just isn't there and I can't find that "old" me who used be on a certain path and happy about it. At almost five years, I hope this will not be where things settle. Carolyn Smithnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-84731397203983408172012-11-19T13:02:33.407-08:002012-11-19T13:02:33.407-08:00Oh My Gosh...you have put into words exactly what ...Oh My Gosh...you have put into words exactly what I struggle with and I am over 4 years out, the passion is gone, the plan is no longer and I have not replaced it. Since my Dave is gone it is as if I am a ship on a endless sea with no destination. I function, I have relocated and made wonderful new friends and have new things I do but none of them really matter, it is as if my existence no longer matters. I am so glad to read that I am not alone in these feelings and perhaps it is indeed a step in the greiving process and we each do the steps in our own way I know. I am so thankful for this blog.santadebhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00254705023136329056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-72371531066463946272012-11-19T10:20:50.665-08:002012-11-19T10:20:50.665-08:00Dear Anonymous,
I can relate. You say it well. P...Dear Anonymous,<br />I can relate. You say it well. Projects to check off the box. While there is a general satisfaction, it's not enough. I miss sharing the "well done" that my husband used to provide with even the smallest of things.<br />I have done what others perceive to be "exciting" things these past 21 months without my beloved - but excited, happy, joy are not currently in my vocabulary. While I look forward to spending Thanksgiving with my adult kids and grand-kids; my reality is that 2/3 of them live out of state and they too will leave after their 3 days here.....Trying so hard to be in the "present" because I am told that each day is a gift-hmmmh? It's hard, I want to believe that, I don't want to miss the treasures of my grand kids, or my adult kids, and I am present - well sort of - more present than I was last year -but nothing touches the happiness I used to have being Marty's wife.<br />Your last paragraph hits a nerve with me, because I think I am wrestling with the same thing.....I too have been busy, not running from my grief, but a general busyness that is good....but I do have concerns when everything is caught up and I'm looking around saying, "Yep, still alone." Thanks.Mjayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10497341946686034149noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-50910881170732275302012-11-19T10:20:06.543-08:002012-11-19T10:20:06.543-08:00I too hate being passionless. Sometimes I think i...I too hate being passionless. Sometimes I think it's all so interconnected with the loss of a mate. Passion touched so many areas, in and out of the bedroom and now it's all gone! In a flash. GONE. Every single piece of it. I too lack zest. I lack energy. I do tasks. I show up. Better than I was a year ago as it seems my heart is now in my body instead of walking outside myself. And my heart is even beating, in an irregular pattern, but beating. I have force myself to try new things over and over and over. I have found that I love going to the shooting range where there is a club for women only.....I could care less about the target, the gun or anything else, I just like to shoot! However, even there last week, the gal next to me, out of the blue asked "Does your husband like to shoot?" ......UGH....here we go again. The one place I typically can get lost in the sights, sounds and smells, I am sucker punched back to reality quickly and blindsided.....scrambling for words as I process the searing cut of the question, I answer "I'm not married" and those words coming from my lips sear my heart just as bad as the question. I did not wish to go into the "whys" of my answer with this stranger on this night. I just wanted to be done.<br />Passion.....every now and then, I catch a glimpse of some passion deep inside me, but it's fleeting at best.<br />I miss being married. I miss being part of a team. All I ever wanted to be was Martin's wife - i was happy there - now I am not.Mjayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10497341946686034149noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-12001718266434379492012-11-19T10:13:25.208-08:002012-11-19T10:13:25.208-08:00Dear Anonymous,
I can relate. You say it well. P...Dear Anonymous,<br />I can relate. You say it well. Projects to check off the box. While there is a general satisfaction, it's not enough. I miss sharing the "well done" that my husband used to provide with even the smallest of things.<br />I have done what others perceive to be "exciting" things these past 21 months without my beloved - but excited, happy, joy are not currently in my vocabulary. While I look forward to spending Thanksgiving with my adult kids and grand-kids; my reality is that 2/3 of them live out of state and they too will leave after their 3 days here.....Trying so hard to be in the "present" because I am told that each day is a gift-hmmmh? It's hard, I want to believe that, I don't want to miss the treasures of my grand kids, or my adult kids, and I am present - well sort of - more present than I was last year -but nothing touches the happiness I used to have being Marty's wife.<br />Your last paragraph hits a nerve with me, because I think I am wrestling with the same thing.....I too have been busy, not running from my grief, but a general busyness that is good....but I do have concerns when everything is caught up and I'm looking around saying, "Yep, still alone." Thanks.Mjayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10497341946686034149noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-69170104569905208712012-11-19T09:42:47.274-08:002012-11-19T09:42:47.274-08:00This was so helpful - not that it changes my feeli...This was so helpful - not that it changes my feelings - but that it helps me see that I'm ok in these feelings that I am having regarding lack of purpose and direction. I am sorry that we are all feeling this way, however, so relieved to hear that I am not the only one!His Sparrowhttp://www.lmlint.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-23051598681446055382012-11-19T08:38:42.805-08:002012-11-19T08:38:42.805-08:00I guess we do! I guess we do! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-8468891180696003522012-11-19T08:38:22.913-08:002012-11-19T08:38:22.913-08:00That's really helpful to remember, Claire. Tel...That's really helpful to remember, Claire. Telling myself that just being busy will help is not necessarily accurate and having a job or going back to school when not absolutely necessary will just give me more to be stressed out about and I already have had enough of that. I really needed that reminder. I think maybe I need that reminder on a daily basis and coming from someone other than myself. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-51466322565609188462012-11-19T08:21:22.993-08:002012-11-19T08:21:22.993-08:00I needed to read this. I have been wondering if Bo...I needed to read this. I have been wondering if Boredom is a stage of grief, because I've been feeling really bored lately. I've been slogging through, doing all the things that I know should make me happy, but they do nothing to lift my spirits. "Passionless" is a better way to describe it, and Claire, your point about losing one's assumptive world makes a lot of sense. *sigh* So we just keep going, right?Fichereaderhttp://somenewnormal.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-32709059178949653672012-11-19T08:12:09.437-08:002012-11-19T08:12:09.437-08:00"Do what you can, with what you have, where y..."Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." ~Theodore Roosevelt<br /><br />Wise words I try to follow. Like you, I have no passion anymore. We were ready to leave land and sail away, that dream being shot down I currently have no other. I'm just trying to maintain, prioritizing what must be done, the rest just doesn't matter anymore. Going on 3 years, I thought I'd have found my way by now. But that is not the case, I'm still "mentally confused" too. Wondering if it will always be this way, doesn't seem to be an end in sight. No other choice but to keep going, take that next step, and hope it is in the right direction.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-33607116413230888602012-11-19T07:53:29.716-08:002012-11-19T07:53:29.716-08:00Cassie,
It's always fascinating to read your b...Cassie,<br />It's always fascinating to read your blogs because so many times you are grappling with exactly the same things that are confronting me. As someone who is struggling with a part-time job and being in school to get another degree, I can tell you that "doing" those things does not help that sense of aimlessness, of lack of purpose or passion. (It does give one something else to be stressed out about, a great way to measure just how inefficient and unproductive one has become!) This is something, judging from your post and the comment above, that is obviously a fundamental and profound effect of losing what my own grief therapist calls "your assumptive world." I used to be full of passion and energy. I have none of that now. I guess all we can do is say, last year at this time I was having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. Now, most days, I'm better at that. Maybe next year the spark will sputter back into life. And until then, maybe anything that is a distraction (dog-walking business?) is good enough.Clairenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-72490314383928798992012-11-19T06:27:21.279-08:002012-11-19T06:27:21.279-08:00I recently had a similar conversation with my ther...I recently had a similar conversation with my therapist. I am at a place where I still deal with bouts of grief, but feel most of the time that my life is progressing. I'm seeing people, doing things I enjoy, taking care of my home, etc. even having a good time now and again. BUT, I am without passion. I've always had "projects" and still pursue those, but mostly to check off the boxes and fill the days. I don't have anything I'm terribly excited about and I miss that feeling so much. <br /><br />She seemed to think that it's too early for me to find "it" while I'm still wandering, but I miss caring so much. So very much. And at some point doing the things I need to do to live just isn't going to be enough for me. I worry about that. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com