tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post7229760431378884978..comments2024-02-21T02:19:16.755-08:00Comments on Widow's Voice: Seven Widowed Voices Sharing Love, Loss, and Hope : I Guess You Could Call it Venting .....Michele Neff Hernandezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356589209090780127noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-87044189849198091062012-01-26T10:48:53.796-08:002012-01-26T10:48:53.796-08:00Lyn,
I'm really not hard on myself. It's ...Lyn,<br />I'm really not hard on myself. It's a fact that I changed and parented very differently that first year or so. I was just trying to survive and would grieve the same way if it happened again. I have accepted that, admitted it to my kids, and apologized .... because I felt they needed that. Just because I did the best I could doesn't mean that it didn't suck for my kids. Yes, it was what it was. And I'm ok with that now. This child had stuffed and stuffed emotions away for 4 years, until finally all of that "stuff" had to come out. I think that child feels better now. And I feel no better or worse for the experience. I don't blame myself for how I grieved, or beat myself up over it. I have moved forward. But I was able to vent on a daily basis all these years. My children, for whatever reason, did not.<br />Thanks for your concern, and taking the time to express it. I appreciate it. :)Janinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00949809367923657970noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-13780579766234501972012-01-26T09:45:16.166-08:002012-01-26T09:45:16.166-08:00You are awfully hard on yourself Janine. You aren...You are awfully hard on yourself Janine. You aren't the same and you never will be and it's not your choice nor your fault. It's easy to take on all this guilt, but I'm just not sure it's healthy.<br /><br />No judgment, just concern.Lynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02864315338242116959noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-78901495284023756432012-01-26T07:43:56.795-08:002012-01-26T07:43:56.795-08:00I wonder about venting boundaries. Just because we...I wonder about venting boundaries. Just because we are the parent, does that mean we have to put up non-therapeutic venting. If venting is so out of line and hurtful to one, isn't there a better place for it to be vented? Do we have the right to say, "This sounds like something that I cannot listen to, and I encourage you to write about it or share these feeling somewhere else, but I will not listen to this and must stop now." What you described almost sounded abusive to me. Or say that you can only listen to this type of sharing with a counselor present. Just wondering.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-1747599428094856372012-01-25T16:55:13.716-08:002012-01-25T16:55:13.716-08:00Oh how often I have heard similar things from my 1...Oh how often I have heard similar things from my 16 year old....and although it stings and hurts terribly because I can't understand how he doesn't see how I am hurting....he has the rest of his life ahead of him and my life has been put on hold....then I remember. I remember my father....my mother passed away when I was 2 years old. My father has since passed on - a year before my spouse - and I never had the opportunity to share with him that I finally understood his depression, his quietness, his lack of parenting like the other parents (although he did a fantastic job, I was always bitter that he wasn't "there" more for me). I now see myself in those same shoes....and finally understand. AND I hope my children never do really understand...because that will mean they are in the same situation I am. It took my spouse passing away to finally appreciate the pain and loneliness my father had been feeling all those years.<br /><br />BUT, we can all hope and wish that they may be more compassionate to us. Hugs!Barbarahttp://runningstrongforhope.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-12927863446372516232012-01-25T15:49:48.998-08:002012-01-25T15:49:48.998-08:00((hugs)) my son has taken me down the last few mon...((hugs)) my son has taken me down the last few months with his self harm, depression and anger over his dad's death and the holidays were the worst. i put him in an adolescent psych unit and intensive outpatient and individual counseling. none of has been willingly for him. i know the vomit, and verbal diarrhea only to well. <br /><br />((thanks)) because your post on depression, i started myself on antidepressants and am dealing better with life and him. <br /><br />((hopeful)) my son left me a note this week, he was sorry for being a smart#@@, know it all #$%. he said he wanted to get better and wan't nearly there yet. i wish all of us widows and children a brighter future.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-54964509735324779632012-01-25T12:09:12.981-08:002012-01-25T12:09:12.981-08:00I too have been 'vented' on by my twenty s...I too have been 'vented' on by my twenty something son in the 19 months since Dave died. It's of a different vein, but intense and exhausting none the less. I have also tried repeatedly to get him to seek help, but he too refuses. <br /><br />One thing I've started to realize is that these episodes (explosions really) seem to be cathartic or therapeutic for him (not me). Those emotions are in there and have to come out somehow. It’s a shitty way to verbalize one’s emotions, but at least they’re coming out. And so, I’ve realized that these explosions are not about me – they’re about him. I try not to take it personally. <br /><br />He believes that his loss is greater than mine. (He’s told me so.) He lost his amazing awesome one of a kind dad. I ‘only’ lost a husband. (???!!!! WTF??) I’ve told him that it’s not a competition. <br />The reality is that he believes his loss is greater, and TO HIM - it IS greater than my loss. (Not necessarily correct – but that’s how he feels.) There’s no need to argue this point so I let it be.<br /><br />The irony is that the parent who would simply give him a kick in the ass and tell him to get his shit together is dead. And not only dead – but part of the problem. With the gift of 20-20 hindsight I can look back and see flaws in our parenting styles individually, and as a unit – but I can’t compete with a dead parent. He has been elevated to standards of perfected sainthood in our son’s eyes. I’m screwed! And so I’ve realized that I’ll never win that competition.<br /><br />So, what’s my point in all this? <br />We realize that there are better more effective ways to verbalize our emotions. (Individual Therapy. Group Therapy. Here. Widow’s Village. I’ve done them all and will likely continue doing so for many years.) If our kids refuse therapy – they likely have nowhere to effectively vent.<br />I try not to take it personally. I try to let him vent as it’s the only time he verbalizes his emotions. He pushes my buttons and I try to remain calm. It’s not easy and sometimes it’s a big fail, but I think I’m getting better at it. <br /><br /><br />As always - Thanks Janine!Valeriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04512708135377541004noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-46748558688982821562012-01-25T10:03:03.109-08:002012-01-25T10:03:03.109-08:00Janine,
My eyes were filled with tears by the tim...Janine,<br /><br />My eyes were filled with tears by the time I finished reading your post. Tears for both you and your son/daughter. All I kept thinking while reading, was that I know that you did the very best you could under the most difficult of circumstances. As a widow almost 4 years out myself, I can only wish for any of us that find ourselves facing such a profound loss, that we find compassion and understanding from others (as hard as that can be especially for our children who are so wounded by the loss as well). My daughter was 11 when we lost Bill very quickly to pancreatic cancer. I remember reading a brochure that hospice left and feeling just awful after reading that not only does a child lose the parent who has died, but also loses that surviving parent--who is never the same after their spouses death. I certainly didn't want this to be the case for my daughter, but came to realize pretty quickly that this was going to be and is in fact the case. I can only hope that she can find forgiveness in her heart and know that while none of this was what any of us would have wanted, we all did the best we could. I hope that your son/daughter will come to realize this in time as well. Both of you deserve that.Carolyn Smithnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-73716995950908513792012-01-25T09:46:51.481-08:002012-01-25T09:46:51.481-08:00Don't beat yourself up over this, you did what...Don't beat yourself up over this, you did what you did, and survived as best as you could at the time. There is still time to heal, and hopefully your son/daughter will get the professional help they need, and you will not end up the bad guy in this situation.<br /><br />You were there and still are for your children, thank goodness he/she has opened up to you now, and not carried this baggage around for many more years. Keep guiding them as you have, be there for support, and they, too, will find their way in life, and realize what an incredible job you have done as a surviving parent. I'm still talking to my adult kids, I keep nudging them asking if they want to talk to someone else, I know I was not there for them, I was barely there for myself.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-81738481363210639462012-01-25T09:02:07.791-08:002012-01-25T09:02:07.791-08:00Janine, I am still going through this with my kids...Janine, I am still going through this with my kids. I have 4. I just couldn't help the kids at all, I felt helpless. That's why i'm glad we did grief support for over a year, because I was completely incapable of helping them with their grief. I hope I don't go through what you have, but i'm sure I will in years to come. ugh.Joannahttp://www.zombiesbaconandglitter.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1268746983441346507.post-5548479811956116012012-01-25T07:41:51.663-08:002012-01-25T07:41:51.663-08:00Janine, this post is putting me, once again, in th...Janine, this post is putting me, once again, in this amazing two-way perspective that I feel every time a widow/er with kids talks about their parenting.<br />Although I never had that particular conversation with my dad after my mom died, I think I always resented my dad for grieving the way he did. Getting rid of her things and not letting me pick from them before he did. Not allowing me to talk about my pain. Dealing with his pain largely with overworking and drinking. <br />It wasn't until my spouse died that I realized how much pain he was actually in. Looking back now, I can see a little of me in each of his actions. I had to get Dave's things out of view immediately. I sometimes want to avoid the pain with distractions and that bottle of wine in the fridge looks like a nice date most nights. <br />BUT. I don't have a kid to be present for. If I did, though, I honestly don't know how in the hell I'd keep it together enough to help them in any way. I guess I'd do it because I had to, but the extent to which I could do it is hard to imagine. The shock, the exhaustion, the emptiness must have made him a complete mess much of the time and he couldn't take time off from fatherhood. <br />He did his best and it was what it was. It's so incredible to be looking at it from the perspective of another widowed person. I can't talk to him about it now, but I bet we'd have some major heart to hearts now if he were still around.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com