Sunday, January 13, 2013

"There"


I went there.

My craft studio.

It's been untouched for 29 months. When I moved, my mom and sister in law had to pack it. Because I couldn't step foot into it. The unfinished projects, unfinished memories, were far too much for my little brain to handle.

It's all still boxed up from when I moved over a year ago. The studio has become a dump all / avoid at all costs - room.

I haven't had the emotional power to even put my fingers into the unfinished projects.

The unfinished memories.

I went in there looking for supplies for a project me and some local widow friends were doing yesterday.

We made dream boards.
Dream Board my widow friend made


As I was digging through the boxes, I found my unfinished wedding album.

The album I was working on when Seth died.

The album he nagged me about finishing for 5 years. (Silly him, he didn't realize one page took me hours or even months, because it had to be perfect!)

The same album I almost cremated with Seth when he died.

I haven't seen or touched my wedding album in 29 months.

While looking at my wedding album, I realized my "new" bedroom has the same theme as my wedding album. Victorian theme.

Same colors, same designs.

I didn't realize both my bedroom and wedding album were themed the same. Funny how the brain works. I loved the Victorian theme in my wedding album, so why not my bedroom? And before I realize it, I have made my bedroom to match my wedding album. Thanks brain.

I also didn't realize how much monarch butterfly stuff I have. For anyone that doesn't know, the monarch is the one thing I swear Seth sends to me.

It's almost like I knew about the butterflies before his death. So I was "stocking up" on monarch butterfly stuff. Just in case, of course.

Talk about future, past and present.

I haven't touched my hobbies since Seth died, other then my photography.

While going through the boxes - I realized I miss my craft studio. At our house, I had an amazing craft studio, that Seth built for me. I was always working on multiple projects at a time, and always had all of my projects spread out. I would get stuck on one project, so I would work on another, and return to the original project later.

I miss doing my oil painting. I miss the way the old me processed things. I miss making home made cards. I miss scrapbooking my memories. I miss attempting to sew (I am horrible at sewing). I miss making everyone's Christmas presents.

I miss disappearing into my studio to sort through some sort of mental frustration. My hands would be busy working on a project, but they would also be busy on working on what was on my mind.

Busy hands = Clear brain

I have a desk in my garage for my craft studio that has just been sitting there since October. It's a desk that is made just for crafting.

The desk has just sat there. Staring at me. Reminding me that my car can't go in the garage, and sits out in the snow, because I refuse to venture into the craft studio.

I realized I have been missing my hobbies. I realized I am sick of avoiding that room. I am sick of scraping snow off my car.

So I set some goals.

My 1 month goal - Get the desk moved into my craft studio, and at least get the boxes sorted into separate piles. Painting, paper crafts, photography, the list is long. So I can handle unboxing one box and one hobby at a time.

Gives me time to process what is no longer a important hobby to me.

Time to accept that some of the things I used to love, died with Seth.

My 1 year goal - Finish my wedding album and finish the oil painting I was working on when Seth died.

((Deep breath)) Here I go!

6 comments:

  1. The first step is the biggest one. I write.
    It took me months to sit down at the computer.
    The day I did I poured my heart out into pages and pages about my love.
    I looked up three months later and had completed an anthology of the last year of his life.
    I grieved my way through every page.
    When I was done - things had shifted. Small micro shifts, tiny imperceptible steps but I had moved.
    A year later I got on a boat and went to Russia.
    I wish so many widows could read your entry here. I would say start with something - ANYTHING! but start taking hold of life again.
    It will save you.
    A brave step Melinda. Good for you.

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  2. It took me months of therapy to finally understand why I wasn't using my "art room" for anything other than a drop off point for things going to other places in the house. I was still making cards and doing the occasional painting, but I took all the stuff out of that room and to another to do so. I kept telling myself it was for "the light" but the art room was chosen for that purpose especially because of the light.

    One day, I realized while I was in "that room" hour after hour, he was in the adjoining room, working on his stuff and that we talked through the wall and when I would take a break and come sit with him, and we listened to the same radio programs and music - that he selected from the master program in the office...of course I didn't want to be there "alone" now.

    My project for the new year is to take back "my" room and to find again my comfort and joy there -- it's a great place to work, and we made it that way -- he'd hate for me to avoid it now...

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  3. I admire that you made the commitment to get back into your studio. The whole upstairs of my house is filled with David's stuff. When he died, I put everything up there and said that I would go through it.

    That was almost 5 years ago. I've only been up there once when the windows were replaced. Seeing all that stuff just sent me over the edge. I hate that I still can't go up there.

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    Replies
    1. DONT FEEL BAD AT ALL...IT HAS BEEN 3 YRS SINCE MY HUSBAND DIED AND I STILL HAVE HIS CLOTHES IN MY CLOSET...AND NOTHING HAS BEEN DISPOSED OF...AND I DONT PLAN TO DO IT ANYTIME SOON.


      STUFF IS OVERWELMING...AND WHERE TO PUT THE STUFF IS EVEN MORE OVERWELMING...MY PARENT AND GRANDMOTHER ENCOURAGED ME TO HAVE A YARD SALE...GUESS WHAT GOT PUT IN THE STACK AND WAS SOLD BEFORE I KNEW IT...MY LINGERIE...THAT MY HUSBAND BOUGHT FOR ME WHENEVER I HAD MY FIRST SON...I WAS SO CONFUSED...I SOLD IT ANYWAY...I COULD NOT EVEN THINK STRAIGHT ENOUGHT TO REMEMBER AT THAT TIME WHAT EVENT THAT GOWN AND ROBE SET REPRESEENTED IN MY LIFE...ANGRY TO REALIZE THE NEXT DAY THAT IT WAS THAT...WHERE THERE YOU GO...THEY JUST HAD TO HAVE THEIR WAY. AND NOW I CANT GET IT BACK. DONT DO ANYTHING UNTIL YOU ARE 200% CERTAIN THAT YOU ARE READY AND UNDERSTAND WHAT EACH THING REPRESENTS. BE SURE THAT YOU ARE READY TO RELEASE IT INTO THE PAST.DONT LET ANYONE BE YOUR BOSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE'S STUFF. IT'S JUNK TO THEM AND LIFE TO YOU!!!

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  4. I'm glad I'm not alone with this one either! Ron loved buying me scrapbooking "tools". He understood tools. He spoiled me with every new one that came out. I figured out pretty quickly if I called something a tool I'd better be sure I wanted it because it would be mine! Now all those tools he was so proud to buy me are covered in dust. I haven't touched them since before he was diagnosed. I can't bare to dive into the memories to put them in albums. Everything I want to keep but am not ready to deal with get's piled on the desk and the door is closed behind. He must be so disappointed. I just walked through that room the other day and thought I need to do something with it. Maybe that will be my first goal since my life changed forever. Thanks for helping me find my first new life goal.

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  5. I redid my husband's office after three years. His computer, boxes of slides, camera gear, photos of our trips and families, books he collected, his toys, model kits, his computer. Sorted, filed, recyled, shredded, trashed. Reassembled, reorganized (for the way my brain works) and re-comforted the room to a nice quiet guest room/office. Created a bookshelf vignette so I could enjoy looking when I needed to to relive some memories.

    Now to my craft room. Haven't done any crafts other than occasional beading. Can't put my finger on any craft items other than ribbon, yarn and wrapping paper. Well, some of it anyway. This will be the year. New cabinets from Ikea to organize it. Decide what to pass on to another crafter or kids' organization. get on with creating. Maybe take a watercolor class.

    Yes. Create again.

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