5 weeks ago
today.
things were perfect.
healthy, happy family.
11 minutes after 3:00pm
on that same day,
my world
fell apart.
since then,
lots of sadness.
lots of happiness.
but mostly sadness.
liz’s
death
has really
fucked me up.
people keep asking,
“how are you coping?”
multiple answers:
“i just am.”
“by talking to people.”
“the kindness of strangers”
“by writing.”
“music.”
“madeline.”
“i’m not.”
i think the last answer is most
accurate, but
i’ve also used music
to get me through.
i’ve been listening
(almost constantly)
to
let it be
since picking up
the ‘mats
reissues after
liz’s
service last saturday.
the words below
resonate with me…
stolen almost word-for-word,
(but adapted for my own purposes),
from “answering machine”
’cause westerberg describes
the emptiness better
than i can…
how do you say,”i miss you” to no one?
how do you say “good night” to no one?
how do you say “i’m lonely” to no one?
i only wish
liz
could hear me.
i know she can’t.
instead,
i talk to madeline.
she doesn’t understand
a word that i say.
which is fine,
’cause most of what
i have to say
doesn’t make a whole
lof of sense
these days.
but,
madeline can hear my voice
and that’s all
that matters.
It's been slightly over one hundred days and it still stinks!
ReplyDeleteI've replayed all the events of that day again and again in attempt to make the ending change somehow. But it never does. I've asked all the questions, but the answers never follow.
I want to fall apart, yet, like you, I am a parent. Parents can't fall apart. (But I want to sometimes.)
Hang in there and remember to breathe, even when it's hard. It's the only thing we can do.