Why?

Why: adv. For what purpose, reason, or cause; with what intention, justification, or motive

Now we know there are definitions, but in this case it is three letters that come together to become a word that has a way of haunting those of us who have felt cheated of a lifetime with our soul mates.

"Why him?", "Why me?","Why us?", "Why so young?", "Why so suddenly?", "Why so violently?" ...and the list goes on.

In the first months this was a word that I loved. I loved it because it fed off my grief...my pain. It was a word that I could use to sulk in my new life, and it was a word that helped in hindering my journey, it was a word that was my companion of woe.

With time though, something prevailed; a voice, a knowing, something that had always been there but came out of hibernation, came to reign where it always should have....my heart.
The "Why's?" I was using after Michael was first killed had clouded my heart, clouded what was the one truth in a world of lies, but finally the truth showed through.

The "Why's?" that fill my mind and mouth now are "Why have a been so blessed to have him in my life? ", "Why did I get so lucky to find my soul mate and know true love?", "Why have I been blessed to know such happiness?" And I must say, it's a route I much more prefer.

It's funny how one's mind turns a switch to only find the sadness in life after loss, and hard for outsiders to understand how one can wallow in that sorrow. But when the time comes, the switch is turned on to the heart you always had that guides you back into the thoughts you are meant to have, the thoughts your spouse quietly whispers as you sleep each night, the thoughts that get you up in the morning to face each day....and that is one "Why?" I will not challenge.

“He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche