i thought we were
going to skip this day?
here it is, 25th #3,
#3 of a billion yet
to come.
not awesome.
have a shitload of
laundry to do
after the trip,
but it’s been
exactly three months since
liz
died and i can’t stand
looking at the washing
machine, let alone
trying to use it.
i don’t remember
if i mentioned this before, but
liz
loved the
washer and dryer.
after using shared
laundry facilities for
11 years,
she was ready for her own.
she made sure that
these machines got
delivered the day we
moved into our house.
now i have to walk
through the office so
i can avoid looking at the
liz
machines in the corner
of the kitchen
(house is small, kitchen = laundry room).
funny thing is,
i did most of the laundry.
her job was to fold.
(i hate folding clothes).
didn’t leave the house
during the day.
just spent time with madeline.
she did this
for a little while.
sort of epitomized
how i felt.
For me it's the "22nds"... this past one was 22nd #9... People have told me that it's "just a day", and that "it's how you choose to view the day"... (funny, but none of them are widowed)... I know that they mean well, but SERIOUSLY, the 22nds are FUCKED UP for me... they are a constant and looming 'countdown' in my loneliness and heartache... and I HATE that they keep coming, and I HATE that they keep adding up... and I HATE being a widow... and I HATE that it's only MY laundry that keeps piling up... and I HATE that there are no more of my husbands socks to match...
ReplyDeleteFor me it's 14th's. But most especially it's the exact 14th, January 14th, because not only did Ken die that day but it was my daughter's 10th birthday. I've had four January 14th's now. The build-up to this most complex day is absolutely horrendous. December 14th is Ken's birthday. And his identical twin's birthday. Talk about two fucked up birthday's...and a full shitty month in between. I feel pure relief when the 15th comes. For a while, anyway.
ReplyDeleteFor me - 16th, next one will be # 12 and I'm dreading it. I miss my husbands socks, his shirts his underwear, I miss him.........
ReplyDelete22nd for me as well and the 9th one also. Even before it arrives, the "full moon effect" seems to kick in before I have even equated the correlation to the days.
ReplyDeleteMine is the 22nd too . . . I hate the 22nd of each month, but now March 22nd is approaching, which would have been Elias' next birthday. Then it will be April 22nd. 12 months since the day he died. 22nd #12.
ReplyDelete~C~
I have four children...teenagers, really. If I had a dollar for everytime someone said, "I don't know how you do it" I'd be rich. I know it's cliche, but I don't know how YOU do it. Bless your soul for having to mourn the death of your wife while caring for your infant. Wishing you well.
ReplyDeleteJennifer
By the way, for me it's the 24th's.
ReplyDeleteFor me it's the 28th's. Sunday will make one year and one month.
ReplyDeletefor me it the 1st - everything happens on the 1st - new month - new year - ugh! I hate the 1st - coming up on #5....
ReplyDeleteI lost my wonderful sweetheart and my brother on January 13th, in a tragic car accident. Our daughter was just 4 months old, so in reality she does not even know him, just photographs here and there. We were married for just 15 months and then he was gone,( we had a blast at our wedding which had 400 good family and friends) Kcawand (Wanzy as I like to call him) was taken away like a bird that flys out of your hands. Him and my only brother. This life is HARD, I really miss then, I am so tired of paying all these bills on my own plus this mortgage. I miss my husband deeply; my heart feels so lost and cold on the inside..........
ReplyDelete