Ezra came back to me again, expressing his lack of desire to live.
I called Our House where the kids and I receive grief support.
I spoke with Lauren who is in charge of children's support. She said I need to get Ezra help.... immediately.
She said it's great that he trusts me enough to express his feeling. She said it's good that I have provided him with a safe place to talk openly.
She said to call ________ (a therapist experienced with children's grief) and tell her Ezra needed a suicidal evaluation.
She said to keep her posted.
I said I need another massage gift certificate.
And then I said "Fuck."
---
Two days later, I ask him
"Ezra, how would you commit suicide?"
He says, fully exasperated, in a tone that is too large for his 7 year old experience
---
Two days later, I ask him
"Ezra, how would you commit suicide?"
He says, fully exasperated, in a tone that is too large for his 7 year old experience
"That's the problem!! I don't know how!"
He continues thoughtfully, "I mean I could jump off a cliff but the nearsest clif is in the Grand Canyon and I can't get there!"
I pull him onto my lap laughing, squeezing him too hard, my nose crushed in his neck.
God I love this child.......
I pull him onto my lap laughing, squeezing him too hard, my nose crushed in his neck.
God I love this child.......
-----
He has his first therapist appointment this week.
Later
I am in bed thinking about him. Thinking about me.
I can handle this. I am 100% sure I can handle this.
It is the first time since Art's death that I have felt open enough, expansive enough, sure enough and strong enough to deal with their emotions -- train wrecked as they may be.
And I sigh.
Cause Art knew I would be Ok. I think that is why he felt it was OK to leave.
I hate that.
I have felt overwhelming guilt everytime I told myself I just can't grieve because I have four childrens' grief to deal with. It's hard and there isn't an easy 'fix.' It's a long road and I'm not sure if the road ends, but I do believe the road straightens out and loses much of the hills and curves it has in the beginning. I wish you well. I wish you peace. I wish you an end so that you and your child may begin again.
ReplyDeletei have no words other than to tell you that i pray for both you and Ezra. he feels safe with you to speak of his thoughts of suicide. it seems you have more than a "slender thread." he has given you the rope to hold onto him. that is simply my belief. i pray that his pain, and yours, lessens very soon.
ReplyDeleteLike womanNshadows said, it's so good that he feels comfortable enough with you that he can talk to you about what is going on in his head. My 5 year old son has twice mentioned that he wanted to die so he could be with his daddy. Both times I did my best to not act shocked, and gently explain to him that he has a lot of living to do yet, and his daddy wants him to live. I told him we will all be together again someday, but that it's not supposed to happen yet. I wish you strength and peace - something we all need every step of the way on this horrible journey we're on. xoxo
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the post about Ezra i was thinking I am so glad i got counseling for my daughter and myself after my husband passed (even thou i thought i "was fine") then what got me was at the end of your post how you said "Art knew I would be okay" that made me cry because when I was in the hosptial with my husband every day/night before he passed and we were talking about everything...He told me that he knew i would be okay. I know in the long run i will be its just the junk we have to go thru to get to the OKAY part...I thank god for all the brave women who post on these sites so we know we are not alone...
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