For the past few weeks I've been aware of something: I miss me.
Yes, I miss Jim .... still very, very much and still every minute of every day, but I also miss me.
The "before Janine".
I liked her. I liked her humor and her sense of fun. I liked that other people thought she was funny and they enjoyed being around her (mostly).
I liked that she laughed .... a lot.
I miss her sense of joy.
I miss her talkativeness (is that a word?).
I miss the fun she used to have.
I miss the kind of mother she was.
I miss the kind of friend she was.
I miss the daughter and sister that she was.
It's not that I don't like the "after Janine" .... it's just that she seems so very different.
She has some better qualities now. She's kinder and more compasionate.
She's quicker to listen and slower to speak.
She doesn't worry about the future or little things that don't really matter.
She's more grateful for the love in her life ..... from everyone.
But still ..... I miss me.
And I wonder ..... will I ever get some of the "before" stuff back? I know I'll never see the whole "before Janine" again ..... she died the day Jim died.
I've heard several loved ones say that they lost 2 friends that day. Many of them think that the "before" me will return. Some of them understand that she will not.
But I wonder if some of her qualities will come back? I'd like them to.
Especially her sense of fun.
I think I could use a little more fun.
But then, couldn't we all?
: )
I can not even tell you how many times I have said "I just want to be me again". I now realize "me" will not be who I was. Some of that is good but I miss "me" too!
ReplyDeleteGood morning my darling daughter. I do miss things about the "before" Janine, too, but I miss them more for you than I do for everyone else. But the "after" Janine is a pretty terrific person, so we're pretty lucky to have her in our lives!
ReplyDeleteI love you very much. What you are now is good enough.
People told me "she's still in there," when I said I was not that me anymore. That is not true - who I was was in reflection and relation with matt, and he is not here anymore, my family and my daily life is not here. That me only existed in that world, in us. Even outside of matt's death, the way I experienced the world is also gone. No more of that me, and I miss me very much too.
ReplyDeleteI miss the old me too. And you're absolutely right, Janine--there were two people who died when Charley did: Charley, and me. After 4 1/2 years, I have gotten some of my old qualities back. Some...but definitely not all...and definitely not some of the ones I'd like most to have back, some of the ones I miss the most.
ReplyDeleteMany of my widowed friends say they're a better person now than they were before being widowed. They worry less about little, stupid stuff; they appreciate things more; etc., etc. But for me, I've always felt I was a better version of myself before being widowed. Yes, I'm definitely stronger, wiser, and I understand far more than I did 4 1/2 years ago...but I feel so much more diminished than I did before. And those are the pieces of the old me that I desperately miss.
But I do still hope than more of those pieces will come back. Yet I know I will also never be the same...and I will never feel the way I used to. I can't erase or undo what grief, death, and the loss of my husband have imprinted upon me.
And I'll also say that I like the "new Janine" that I met last summer very much. I have no idea what you were like before, but who you are now is pretty damned cool too...grief and all. Hugs, my friend.
I know pieces of the old me are gone and will never return. Still trying to find the "new" me but am not liking that part -- too much work!!!!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think that it wasn't just the loss of my husband, but that his death meant the death of our family. I look at myself some days and wonder "who am I?" and I can see that my kids are forever changed too. 1 person lost their life, but all 5 of us lost our selves. I hope like you that somewhere along the line we will figure out who were are now and actually be content in that.
ReplyDeleteWow, with this post, you have written exactly what I have been feeling. I feel like I am in such a survivor mode...just doing what needs to be done for my kids to make sure they are ok. I don't think I will ever be "light" again like I was before. Always quick to laugh, smile and have fun. Now I am painfully aware that he is not here to share things with anymore and that I am so lonely despite being surrounded by friends and family.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I've had MANY dear friends in my life... but I have found that the 'sisterhood' of 'widowhood' (whether we know each other or not) is the most comforting that I have EVER experienced... You ALL echo my daily thoughts and feelings in a way that NO ONE else has EVER been able to. I read your posts/comments and I feel sooo 'un-alone' in my loneliness. My husband has been gone now for 9 months... This past Wednesday (the 17th) was (would have been) our 20th Wedding Anniversary... I was devastated to spend it alone. I wanted DESPERATELY to end the day with a 'toast, to many more'... instead I tried (in vain) to focus on being grateful for having nearly 22 years with THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. 'My Rick' can NEVER be replaced... and the woman that I was 'with him' is also gone... I miss her DESPERATELY, but I think that who I will emerge as, will be 'okay'... at least I'm hoping so. I am 46-years-old, my children are all adults with families of their own... it's just me in this lonely house... and yet, as I sit here and read all of your sentiments, stories, and heartaches, I KNOW that I am not 'alone'... I have the certainty in knowing that you share this journey with me... we are all in this 'sisterhood' of 'widowhood'... and while I wish it wasn't so, (that none of us were widows) I feel better knowing that you are all out there... NO ONE understands like 'you'...
ReplyDeletejanine...in some respects i feel i have no right to comment on this post, having not lost a husband. but this thought came crashing through to my head... "and the two shall become one." when you and jim met, fell in love and married, that's exactly what happened. and there was a "chemical reaction"...just as sure as putting fire to two chemicals that had been joined, the substance can never be unjoined, it has become something new. i'd venture to guess that the "you" before jim was also different from the "you" with jim. have you ever gotten one of those "friendship bread" starters from someone? though you cannot "unmix" the starter to get the ingredients back, you can use the starter to make a whole new loaf, maybe adding some chocolate chips or other ingredients to make it tasty in a different way. i salute you and all your friends on this blog for beginning again to make another loaf...
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