As a widow, how many times have you said, "when/since/because _____ died"? Even after two years, three months and six days, I regularly use this phrase. Does widowhood define me this much or is it that the loss of my husband has been so life-altered, self-forming, world-shifting to me that I can attribute most of the occurrences in my present life to the event?
I prefer to believe that my life, goals, priorities, etc have all been modified, improved and streamlined. I hope that I can now see more clearly what is 'important' rather than that the definition of 'widow' has become so entwined with my vision of 'self'.
Or am I just lying to myself and hiding behind the loss of my other half?
For some reason I have always seen it as my way of keeping my husband alive and honor how he played/plays a role in my life.
ReplyDeleteSomehow by mentioning him it means he still lives in some form-whether it is how his presence shaped me or defined me-but I do not believe it stops new definition or takes away from my "new" path
We were are is a result of where we have been. Being widowed, in that respect, is no different from any other event that redirects us and it only defines us wholly if we choose.
ReplyDeleteI think I can safely say (since I know you SO well!) that you are NOT being defined by your widowhood, nor are you hiding behind Jeff's death. I definitely think that, in the beginning .... however long that lasts for each of us .... we are most certainly defined by being a widow. Some of us hold on to that definition. And then, at some point .... when we are ready .... we let go of that definition. When we let go of it .... others will, too. Maybe not very quickly (and maybe not everyone) but it will happen.
ReplyDeleteI remember hitting the period when I knew that I was tired of being seen as "the poor widow". I didn't want that label anymore. I was ready to shed it. But it took a long time for me to reach that point.
You have passed it, my friend. :)
I just found this website. Thank you for validating that I also am not hiding behind a label or death of my husband. I too feel I am keeping his memory alive for our daughter. She needs to have opportunity to express too and will not think it okay if others dont...
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