My life changed drastically and permanently on December 18, 2007.
Nothing is the same.
Nothing.
I am not the same.
I will never be the same.
And I'm finally OK with that (I'm not so sure that everyone else is).
My children are not the same.
And I'm OK with that, too.
I don't have to like it, but I'm OK with it.
My home doesn't feel the same.
My activities don't feel the same.
My routine is not the same.
My thoughts and my feelings are not the same.
There is not one damn thing in my life that feels the same.
Not one.
And most days .... I'm OK with that.
However there are those days when that total difference rips into my gut and into my heart.
There are those days when I crave sameness .... when I feel as if I will die from all of the differences.
But .... nothing changes. Life goes on.
The differences remain.
The newest difference in my life is love.
It. Is. Not. The. Same.
Not at all.
I have to keep reminding myself of that.
It can't be the same.
He is not Jim.
I am not the Janine I was.
Some days .... I am very sad for that difference.
But most days .... I'm OK with it.
Because it has to be.
Our relationship would not work, would not grow, if I expected the same.
So I move forward, somedays with more tears than smiles, but most days with more smiles than tears.
And I cling to the fact that both hurts and heals me:
...... it's not the same.
Thank you for this post. It gives me hope that someday I will be OK with things not being the same, and the people in my life not being the same. And that it's OK if once in a while it's not OK. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI was so touched by your post... I wish that I could feel that it's "okay"... except that right now (8.5 months post my husband-of-21-years death), I am NOT okay with the differences in myself or my life... I really really miss the routine, the sameness, and the comfort that came from KNOWING what my life was all about with him. I'm in a fog, every day. I'm certainly not "living", but I want to (NO, I NEED to) learn how... I need to learn "who" I am if I am not 'My Rick's' wife...? This question haunts me... and I yearn to find the answer.
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