I've seen better days

Things aren't awful.

We have everything we need.

Despite weeks of illness of one kind or another, we are basically healthy.

But the longing for my soulmate is as strong as ever.

I think part of my problem is that I never got to say goodbye.

In fact, we'd had a tiff the Friday before as he went to the farm to work for yet another weekend and I was starting a new job on Monday morning and would have really appreciated the moral support / family time / him taking the kids so I could prepare lessons etc. 
I was so upset that went as far as not getting out of bed to welcome him home at 11:30pm Sunday night when I finally heard his car pull into the driveway.

I know.

I am thankful that our tiffs were never big or long-lasting...... I could have remained pissed off at him on the Monday morning, but his tired little face melted me and we held each other for for a few minutes before we went on with the rush of the day.

Then we were making breakfasts and lunches and having our ritual morning family cuddle before Greg drove off to work.

I didn't realise that would be the last time I ever saw him.  

At all.

Unsurvivable head injuries meant that I took the advice of police, chaplains, morticians, relatives and friends that I shouldn't see him.  At the time, I took their advice.

But one thing I wish I had been able to do was to spend time alone with him (even if he was inside the sealed coffin) before the funeral. 
Nobody watching me in my grief.

I was so self-conscious of the 300+ eyes on me during the service that instead of kissing his coffin like I wanted to, I laid my head briefly on it.  I could feel 300 pairs of eyes boring into the back of my head.  ....and being an introvert, I couldn't breathe with all those eyes watching me, leave alone watching me at my worst.

I wish I could have spoken to him without those eyes watching me .

If I had a re-run, I would have insisted upon it.

But then again, if I got a re-run, I wouldn't have let him go to work that day.....

So yeah, right now, I've surely seen better days..... but I have also seen much, much worse ones.

...and so I keep plodding on in the hope that the days are better.

What if this is as good as it gets?

Inner Peace (Photo credit: d0.0b)

Well meaning people tell me to find my "inner peace" as a way of dealing with my current anger over the unfairness of losing Greg.

Apparently I should just let things "be" and let the angst go and I will feel better.

Inherently, I know they are right ....

...but I am terrified.....

What if this is as good as it gets?

What happens when my children grow up and move out?
What happens when I am left on my own?
What happens when I know that I am not enough?


When I lost my husband, I lost my sense of self.
I lost who I am.
....who I was.

I lost a lot of other things too ....

I lost my religion.
I lost my faith.
I lost my ability to remember things.
I lost my confidence.
I lost my sense of worth.
I lost my femininity.
I lost my sense of fun.
I lost feeling unconditionally loved.

I lost knowing that I was somebody's somebody.

But .....
I have found some of those things again ... not many of them ... but some of them.

....and I have to hope that I will continue to find pieces of my old self and add in pieces of my new self
until I am me again.

Maybe then I can find my "inner peace" and know that if this is as good as it gets, that it will be OK.