Serenity Now....

Remember the Seinfeld episode where George's dad keeps yelling: "Serenity Now"? He's supposed to be chanting it in a low melodic voice but instead yells it during times of stress.... I think I'm going to try it! ;)

The last month or so has been very stressful for me, and I've lost focus on the things that should matter to me right now. I've been running in circles trying to do it all, and in the course of it have managed to do all and nothing at the same time. Work has been intense, homework and school activities are constant, home responsibilities and chores, (lions and tiger and bears, oh my...). I've made some time (thanks to several of you who know who you are!) to do a few fun things, but I'm so worn out that I almost don't enjoy them. So far I haven't been too grumpy with Grayson, so that is a good thing. But, the challenge is finding the soft spot, something has got to give, and all of these demands seem like non-negotiable responsibilities owned by me alone.

The whole situation is making me less tolerant and grouchy. Case in point: I met a new neighbor this past week, a nice enough lady from across the street. I've been here three months and have never seen her. Her comment when we finally met was "I heard you work, so I guess that is why I haven't seen you....." She repeated this phrase: "you work..." three times throughout the course of our two minute conversation, and each time the judgement was implied: what kind of woman works instead of raising her children full-time? Who knew a working mother was such a novelty in the 21sth century...Good God I wanted to punch her. Of course I smiled, and said "yes, I do work" while inside I wanted to scream Frank Costanza style "Serenity NOWWWWW!" I guess I'm a little on edge. ;-)

I find myself trying to list the things that are going well and the balls that I'm not dropping in an effort to calm the screaming inner voice. I'm looking forward to the long holiday weekend and the time with my family for Thanksgiving. I need a bit of grounding, and hanging with my parents and brother will make me feel a bit more "home" than I have been feeling lately. It will be a great way to carve out some quiet time and give thanks for the many blessings I have in my life.

I'm looking forward to coffee at sunrise looking out over the Gulf of Mexico and concluding in my mind "serenity now".

Happy Thanksgiving ya'll - Michelle D.

Being Okay With Me

Last week was very difficult. More than one person took issue with the way I handled an issue or a choice, and one of the questionable decisions involved my opinion about the man who killed my husband. Finding out four years later that my choice was not appreciated hit me hard. And I found myself floundering in the abyss of grief once again.

Being widowed for over four years has provided me with a certain grounding. Most of the time I feel confident about the person that I have become since losing my husband, and my post-death self recognizes that life is too short to waste time trying to please everyone. I don't hold grudges, I say I love you (even when I am angry or annoyed) often, and I attempt to honor the good in myself and others. These are things that death has stamped on my heart, and lessons that have been reinforced the hard way. So, when my world began to spin wildly this week I was taken by surprise.

My solid footing was shaken by the idea that someone doesn't think I did right by Phil. Having spent every minute of the last 449 days in an effort to leave no doubt that Phil's life mattered, that my love for him remains, and that my life is a reflection of the many things he taught me just by being himself...this was devastating news. I cried, I reflected, I questioned myself (both the old me and the new me), and I felt that awful need to curl up in the fetal position and give in to despair.

Then I remembered. I can't please everyone. Those simple words gave me the strength to stand up for myself. For some people nothing I do will ever be good enough. No memorial to Phil will ever embody his entire spirit. There are people who will never understand the depth of my love for him. Every choice I make as a widowed woman will be questioned by someone. In some circles the fact that I am in love again will mean that I am over Phil. I am certain that people around me will wonder if I will be done with this widow thing now that I have a plan for my future.

The answer is NO I won't be done with this widow thing. I am a widow. I will always be a widow. I will continue to honor the love I have for one amazing man, even as I love another one. I am certain to do some things wrong. I may not honor Phil in the same way others do, but I will do my best to remember the lessons death has taught me, and to act on them in my daily life.

And no matter what anyone else thinks of my actions, my choices, my work, or my words~I will be able to sleep at night, because I will be true to myself. Phil would be proud.

**This is a photo of me with my nephew Miles. Who could give in to despair when looking at that adorable face??**

Whose Name?

Whose name

do I put

on the school forms for the kids

in the space

where it says...

In Case of Emergency?

---

The 11th day is 6.5 hours from being over.

I am not dressed. I did not do my hair. I have not put on my contact lenses.

I wear a pair of Uggs, sweatpants, a long john shirt and a fleece. The plumber will just have to deal with it.

I do not want visitors. I do not want to go out. I am sure that if I open his closet and smell him, I will stay in it until my back hurts or the kids come home.

I sat in the living room today, opening cards and crying. I napped and dreamt my daughter almost died.

I've lost all of his memories, his half of the kids. Our reactions to poopy diapers, temper tantrums, funny word orders. I don't remember them all. Now, part of my children's lives are gone. Part of who they were has just disappeared.

Those thoughts, comments, memories, all the things that I couldn't remember about our kids are gone. They went with him.

This is what they mean by lonely. I had no idea.

Thanksgiving

With the holidays upon us I started creating a list of things for our organization to make this time a more bearable one. I thought I'd share it with you all below:

The holidays have a way of magnifying our loss and can be a difficult and confusing time of year. “What to do? How to act? How to wake up and seize the day?” are just a few of the thoughts running through our widowed brain. With Thanksgiving kicking off the rollercoaster ride we’re all on this holiday season we thought we’d put together a list of ideas and things to do to make this time one you can enjoy.

· Help Others

o Bake Goodies to Donate to a local organization or charity that is helping to feed the needy this holiday season.

o Having guests over? Ask them to each to bring clothing, books, canned food, etc. and donate them to local shelters (women’s, homeless, animal).

o Deliver or hand out food for a local church, VFW hall or hospital or shelter.

o Volunteer in a Thanksgiving Trot or local festivity that may be going on that day.

o Host local military personnel that may not have a place to eat.

o Visit these sites:

§ www.volunteermatch.com is a great resource to find something in your area.

§ www.craigslist.com >community section also is a good site to find volunteer opportunities.

· Give Thanks…to yourself and others

o Go to www.legacy.com/soldier/home.aspx and leave a message to a stranger who made the ultimate sacrifice as well, or visit www.letssaythanks.com and send a free postcard to military members serving overseas.

o Start a Gratitude Journal. It's pretty simple. At the end of every day, write down five things that have made you happy or appreciative that day; not necessarily big things, even small ones count. For example: 1) nice weather, 2) being thanked by a customer at work, 3) my pet, 4) having people who love me, 5) or a funny joke to tell everyone.

o Be grateful for old traditions but don’t be scared to start new ones. Ask your kids or friends if they have an idea.

§ Here’s a site that has ideas on starting new traditions on Turkey Day: http://aginggrandparents.suite101.com/article.cfm/new_thanksgiving_traditions

o Don’t feel pressured to celebrate if you’re not in the mood. Be thankful that you recognize your boundaries and know that there are not right or wrong decisions. There’s only the decision to follow your heart and what you can bear.

· Remember

o During Your Holiday festivities, go out by yourself or with your children and pick out a candle. Square, round, scented, unscented, whatever you like, and light it at dinner or whenever you choose, as a representation of your loved one who can’t be there. Light it when you miss him, light it when you feel him, light it when you need to feel the glow of his love.

o Write a message to your hero of all that you are thankful for that he made possible or did to make your life better. Tie it to a balloon and send it up to him.

o If you’d like, you could do an empty place setting for your loved one at the photo, as they do at military balls and other military functions. Here is a link to read more about it:

http://regimentalrogue.tripod.com/srsub/mess_dinner_organization_c.htm

· And Most Importantly…..Relax

o Stick in a favorite movie or go to your local theater.

§ Visit http://www.google.com/movies to find your local showtimes.

o Hog down on turkey, stuffing, and pie till you pass out, while watching the Macy’s Day Parade on TV.

o Not cooking but still want a Thanksgiving Feast? Cracker Barrel and Denny’s are two spots open that day that serve all the fixings and more. Check your local newspaper for other places in town that may be doing the same.

o Don’t want a Thanksgiving meal? McDonald’s is open for all your Big Mac and french fry needs. Also, Chinese Take-Out is a sure bet on this day as well.

o Pick out an outfit to go shopping in on Black Friday and buy yourself a gift for surviving your 1^st, 5^th, 20^th….Thanksgiving without your hero. You deserve it.

o Cry, scream, laugh, sleep…. Do whatever you need and remember to breathe.

Other Useful Links and Articles:

Thanksgiving Day on a Dime:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Thanksgiving-Dinner-on-a-Dime&id=3294143

What to do with your leftovers:

http://www.chow.com/stories/10812

Thanksgiving Day Games and Crafts:

http://www.amazingmoms.com/htm/thanksgiving_games.htm

on the brighter side

In a bid to exercise positive thinking, I have borrowed an idea I read on another widow's blog (unfortunately I can't give the widow credit as I cannot, for the life of me, find were one of my midnight rambles through the blogosphere took me - If it was you, please let me know, so I can give you credit!) and list some of the better positive ....not-so-crappy things about widowhood and the experiences that have happened. I DO, however, wish with all my heart that I weren't a widow. That Jeff were here holding me now and that my children and I hadn't had to go through this. Anyhow....


1. I am 'glad' that Jeff died in my arms. I was there with him. I held him. He knew he wasn't alone. I know what happened. There are no questions for me and no hazy details that cause more agony. (This was the heavy one. The others are much more...vacuous and light-hearted, I promise).

2. I am glad that I now have the insight to know reasonably well what is 'small stuff' and what is 'just crap'. I thought I knew before. I didn't. I still have difficulty at times staying 'above' the ruckus. But I often have the realization that the issue won't last or even be remembered later that day....If I breathe, I can let 'it' go more easily than before.

3. As with all marriages, our identities were intertwined. I loved this. I loved being a unit, a team, husband and wife. Although now, I find I often feel that I am standing naked in a crowd; I also find that the fear and confusion of being alone is off-set with the feeling that I can reinvent myself. I can release what I didn't like about myself or my life before and start new and fresh. I can try on new hats, use different words and exercise internal muscles not used in such a long time. I loathe the necessity to change because I am only 'one' now, but if I look in a slightly different light, I can feel a slight excited tingle in "What can happen now?" Maybe the kids and I will travel (one can dream, right?), maybe I will write a children's book as I have always wanted, maybe I will cut the firewood myself this year, maybe I'll be able to support the kids comfortably on my own.....It goes on and on

4. I can load the dishwasher MY way. I can tuck the sheets into the bottom of the bed. I can get a goat if I want to. I can feed the kids tofu. I can have not one dollar of this household go to cigarettes. I don't have to listen to WCW in the background as I sew. I can buy organic food without justifying why organic strawberries are better for the kids. The small stupid things that caused tiny ripples in our household, now not only mean so little, there is also no one to bicker with them about. Bittersweet.

5. ................Okay, I am done. I am trying to find more positives. I am trying to BE positive. But it's hard. Number Four was hard. It made me think of those times that I listened grudglingly to WCW as I sewed. I could see Jeff in the reflection of the window above my sewing table elbows on his knees in rapt attention. I'd snort and scoff at the phoney throws and pins. I'd say, " I CAN'T believe you watch this!" He'd always say, "I know it's fake, but you're wrecking it!!!....And besides they are amazing athletes to be able to do any of this stuff!" Now, I miss the childlike wonder with which he watched it. I miss his laugh and his unconscious eating of some snack. He'd eat fast when the match really heated up. Slower when they were circling and cat-calling. His buddy, Finnegan, and he would call eachother mid-match, "Did you SEE that?" They were like two little boys. God, I miss him. I so miss what he brought to me, to our family, to this home.

the dvr

there are

odd things around

the house that

trigger memories of liz.

on the refrigerator,

behind some mismatched magnets

is

a recipe with its

accompanying ingredient/grocery list

and

a list of things

to do around the house

before a dinner party

thrown long-ago,

(all in her hand writing).

one of the

worst triggers is

the goddamned dvr.

a source of constant

disagreement for two people

with widely different

tastes in tv/movies.

reruns of the gilmore girls,

episodes of the real world,

the hills

and more

all on “series record” mode,

all chosen by

liz.

i’m never going

to watch any of

this garbage

(didn’t when she was here, won’t now that she’s gone).

but,

how do i delete the episodes

she recorded

but didn’t get to see?

she’d be pissed

at me if i deleted

her shows.

so the dvr

continues to fill up

and i feel too

guilty to stop the

shows from

being recorded.

another thing

that really hits me

is that i’m

still getting her e-mails

on her blackberry.

i’ve already mentioned

the e-mails from

babycenter.com

but barack obama

and his supporters

e-mail liz way more

often than,

babycenter.com,

macy’s,

bloomingdales,

neiman marcus

and pottery barn

combined.

just today

michelle obama wrote

liz

asking her to help

“register and mobilize voters”

i know

liz

would have been

happy to work

arm-in-arm

with the future

first lady,

(obama was going to get her vote in nov.).

but

i’m not sure

liz

would be an

effective mobilizer

right now.

maybe i should

send michelle an e-mail

letting her know

what’s goin’ on.

Mind Over Matter?

I used to believe in that phrase. After all, if you just tried hard enough, if you just had the right attitude, if you just pulled yourself up by your bootstraps .... your life would be better. Right?
Well, this phrase worked for me until mid December of 2007. Then my life was shattered, along with my heart, and my life became "matter over mind".
I was no longer capapble of changing the way I felt by just thinking positively. I barely had the strength to breathe, let alone pull myself up by any bootstraps.
I found that I could not rise above my grief just because I wanted to. The waves did not cease slamming into me just because I willed them to stop.
The tears did not stop flowing simply because I was tired of crying and wanted to be dry-eyed for at least an hour.
The day that grief came in my door, and in my heart, I met something bigger than myself .... something that I could not will out of my life no matter how hard I tried.
I learned that in many situations life is a case of "matter over mind". There are many people who don't get that, just as I didn't get it before I was thrust onto this path. They think that we should be rising above the situation and enjoying this time of year now. They don't understand that it's impossible to force yourself to enjoy "the most wonderful time of the year" when your heart is half gone. They don't "get" why this "season of family, joy & happiness" is not that kind of season for us.

But the day grief walked into my heart, something else came in, too. It, too, has changed the way I look at things and at people. It's called "Compassion" and it's a gift from being on this path. There are so many painful and negative things on the path that it's nice to sometimes stop and note the gifts I've received. I had compassion "before" but nothing at all compared to my "after" compassion. It's changed my eye sight. And it's changed my heart.
So .... even on the days when I cannot accomplish "mind over matter" during this holiday season, I can know that I'm not alone and it's OK to feel the way I feel. The season will be over soon enough and maybe next year's will be just a bit easier.
One season at a time, right?