The Battle

Do not be fooled 
by the lightness you see in me -
The cool easy smile 
across my face.

I would like to kill this silence to death.
This silence in me 
where once stood the man of my soul.
A silence louder than all the rest.


Do not be fooled 
for a moment -
For where you see 
my eyes shine with being
You see a moment in time 
that I am fighting for.


A silence
I have agonized to accept in me
A painful release 
I have fought to give myself.
No longer does joy exist 
without the battle.

grief is everywhere

source

Today marks 6 months since my sweet friend Amy lost her husband, Jim.
I've thought about her constantly over the last few weeks, mostly cause my heart ached remembering what the 6 month mark felt like for me. Probably the darkest place of my life.

This past weekend for the holiday, we did our annual trip with my parents to Kentucky for a family reunion, then stopped at King's Island on our way home. This was one of the few trips in my adult life that I got to take with my brother, Brian. The trip just isn't the same without him there, and I ached for his son who came with us, because I know how much he misses his dad. And even though it wasn't a conversation we had out loud, I ached for my parents and the grief I know they still struggle with. Since we didn't go last year, this was the first time back since he died.

Grief has been present this week, but oddly enough, the majority of it wasn't my own. It made me recognize that grief really is everywhere. And even though in theory we all know this, when I really step back and take it all in, it can be overwhelming and humbling. I wasn't able to see anyone's grief but my own. Now, it feels like I absorb others.
My friends.
My parents.
The devastated families in Oklahoma.
My nephew.
My children.
People on the news I don't even know.

I am not the only one on this journey of grief - which is oddly comforting to know, but awful to understand.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."