Emotional Hangovers & Bachelorettes

It's actually Monday as I write this... I'm heading out this week for Camp Widow, where I will likely meet many of you! So I decided to get this one in early.

I'm *mostly* over the worst hangover of my life, which was due to a bachelorette party I attended on Saturday. Yup, you read that correct. I went to a bachelorette party… my first since the death of my fiancé. Since June of 2012 I have refused to go to any bachelorette parties, weddings, or showers of any kind. But it was finally time to face one.

Now, it wasn't your typical bach party. There was no wedding veil or obnoxious "Bride to Be" sash… we don't roll like that. It was just three friends from high school, out at a gay bar, drinking and dancing. We never got to do that stuff together when we were younger, so really it felt a lot like a mini reunion. We were making up for a lot of lost time. And Jesus did we ever...

Six double cranberry vodkas and several hours of dancing later… (why did we keep getting doubles? I don't even KNOW) and we are back at our hotel. My girlfriend and I are taking turns praying to the porcelain god... It is literally the most drunk I have EVER been. 

And then it happens... right there on the bathroom floor, a lot more than just upchuck comes out. Before long my friend is holding me in her arms and I am crying my eyes out. The pain mixed with the horrible room-spinning stupor sends me spiraling into my emotions.

In a normal state, I'm very good at keeping the "should's" at bay. But in this state… yeah… I'm defenseless. It SHOULD have been my bachelorette party. It should have been me that is getting married in a few weeks. It should have been me who was about to embark on the next part of my own adventure with my very best friend and soul mate. "IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME" my pained drunk mind screams at me over and over again, combined with the intense need to call him and have him calm me down…

*sigh* But it isn't me. It isn't. And it's not going to be. Not with him... Ever. And I am heartbroken all over again. Broken open, all over again.

And so here I am, two days later… the physical hangover has finally passed, but the emotional one will not pass likely for a few more days. And I know there is nothing I can do to make it pass any faster. There is nothing quite as devastating as walking into someone else's happy-ever-after and seeing what you were supposed to have had. What you thought you were going to have. What you would trade everything to have back.

I know there are many of you out there who get it. Who never got the wedding or maybe - like me - were just a month away from their proposal. And even if you were married, you have your own version of this special hell of should's. It is a part of this whole fucked journey that tears so deeply when it is triggered.

There is just no pain in the world like that bitter, biting, slap in the face - the reality of what you do not have. It is a cold pain, with an icy burn like no other. No matter how long it has been, it twists itself right down into your soul.

So, I will breathe this week. And I will try to take it easy on myself, and maybe even convince myself to get excited about camp. I know it's gonna be awesome. A little at a time… I will begin to heal up again, until the next time I am broken open. As we keep doing. 

In the very least, a tiny part of me is really proud I did it. But I sure as fuck won't be going to any more bachelorette parties anytime soon!

I'm Engaged!

I'm sure that's not what you were expecting from my second post as the newest widow to the scene! And while I will take plenty of time to talk about my journey through grief and the pieces of it I still face on a day to day bases, I want to also share the pieces of my life that are happening now. And to share a story of hope and healing.

I won't dive into everything on this one post, cause there's no way I'd be able to share all the ways God has been working this story into my life, or the way Steve (my fiance) has helped me discover a place I never thought I'd see again. You can read more about our journey on my personal blog but just know that there is so much purpose in our relationship and how our paths have crossed each others.

The second reason I wanted to share this news with y'all, besides just wanting you to get to know me, is to share the AMAZING way that Steve proposed to me, and the perfect way that it combined my past with my future.

First of all, I am very hard to surprise. Probably because I'm nosey. Steve totally threw me off and surprised me with this one, and had my closest friends all in on it. To throw me off, my best friend made up a story that she had a photo shoot in the morning, but her car broke down so she needed me to pick her up. So off I went to Stony Creek Metropark to pick her up. But when I found her, she asked me to get out of the car and take a walk with her. I thought Steve was driving that day to Michigan, not knowing he was already there, but as soon as I saw a red rose on my best friend's car, I knew. She handed me the rose, told me how much she loved me, took my arm, and started walking. We walked a 2 mile path - yes, crazy long! But every 200 yards or so I was met with another rose being held by some of the most important people in my life. People who have stood next to me while I suffocated in grief, people who clung to me when I fighting to find purpose in life, who watched me go through my darkest hours, and people who have supported my new relationship with Steve. And as each person gave me a rose, they also walked me down the path to the next person while reading a letter about what I meant to them. WOW. If the tears weren't flowing hard enough (thank GOODNESS it was sunny and I was wearing sunglasses!) I walked with my best friends, Steve's parents, my family, and finally...Jeremy's family.

When I saw Jeremy's mom and sister in the distance, my knees almost gave out. I know that not everyone has a great relationship with their in-laws, but I cannot find words to describe how grateful I am to have married into such a wonderful family. They are my family, and their support as they gave their daughter-in-law a blessing to marry another man other than their son spoke to my heart in ways that I can't explain. I know it can't be easy. I know it faces them with grief they probably weren't expecting - I know it has for me. But there they were, supporting me and rooting for my happiness.

It was the hardest I've cried in a really long time. But my tears turned to pure joy when I saw this adorable, handsome, very nervous, all dressed up and sweating in the heat, precious man waiting for me at the end of the long path. This man that loves me for all that comes with me, accepts and encourages my still very strong love for my dead husband, loves my children, loves God, and whose character makes me want to be better. This man who grabbed my heart very quickly and who has very carefully held all the broken pieces of it and continues to help me put it back together. But also a man I cherish for all he comes with, for all he's been through, and for all he has become because of it. This man whose daughters have taken over my heart.

Our engagement will be a very short one. But I'm so thankful our stories have come together in such a way that it can only be a testament to God's grace and love. I'm thankful to have found someone Jeremy would approve of (he and Steve were friends, in fact) and who has proven to be someone I can't wait to share life with. I feel very blessed to have found two such men in my lifetime.

Oh, and he gave me this!!!