Oh Happy Day

Something really awesome happened this week.  A very dear friend found out she was pregnant and rather than feel that expected pang of grief that had become standard when I hear of someone else’s ‘happy life announcement’, my first thought was how wonderfully excited I was for her.  This is huge you guys!  For 22 months now, I’ve had a horrible default reaction to the good news of others.  I hear of someone getting engaged; see one of those gushy ‘happy wedding anniversary my darling’ Facebook statuses; or God-forbid, catch wind of a baby announcement – then back comes that wave of grief.  

‘It could have been me’.  ‘Dan and I could have been pregnant by now’.  ‘We didn’t even get one wedding anniversary’ … all of the horrible, self-pitying thoughts that make you feel like a bad person and a really shitty friend. When this close friend told me, about a year ago, that they were going to start trying for a baby, I kept an encouraging smile on my face until I made it home and then let the tears flow.  My poor, broken heart just wasn’t able to feel joy at the thought of others taking those steps forward in life that were no longer available to me.  I wouldn’t wish my own situation on anyone and could never expect my friends to put their lives on hold, just because mine was – but I couldn’t help the emotions that came to the surface. I started to dread the day that my friend would eventually come to me with her happy news.  Would I be able to contain my own selfish reaction so that it wouldn’t take the shine off her announcement?  I was so nervous that this wonderful person, who has been such a support to me and shared my pain, would see through my smile and know that I wasn’t able to fully share in her happiness.  As the months passed, and no announcement came, instead I saw her disappointment and the early stages of worry that they weren’t getting their special miracle. My relief at not having to force my happiness for her started mixing with my sadness at her disappointment.  My friend was experiencing her own kind of loss and my heart hurt for hers.

So, this week, when she received her good news, I was so caught up in my joy for her that, at first, I didn't even realise that any feelings of my own envy were absent!  I was excited, so happy that a new life was coming in to our world.  I can't wait to see my friend go through this special experience and become a mother.  I'm ready to be by her side, every step of the way. And at the end of the nine months, a new 'niece' or 'nephew' will come in to my world and in to my growing circle of love.  

I am so grateful that this is a happy day.  It's funny, how things work out.  I actually wonder if the universe had a plan up it's sleeve when it decided to wait awhile before sending my friend her miracle.  Just long enough for her best friend (me) to get to a good place where my heart had healed enough to share in her happiness.  

A Beautiful Dream

I was so happy in my marriage that when I look back and remember that time, it almost seems surreal. 

My incredible wedding day, filled with so much love, feels like a dream to the point where I start to wonder if it actually happened. A beautiful, delicious dream that had me walking on air for 45 days. I'd found a soul mate and we'd made the perfect match.

I was still getting used to this incredible feeling of being so blessed when I lost Dan to depression and it was all ripped away. The bubble popped.  

You know that feeling how when you have something so wonderful, that you can't help but be scared of losing it?  To the point where it distracts you from actually enjoying it.   And then when you do happen lost it - for whatever reason - there's almost a sense of relief that you don't have to be afraid anymore?  Well I think a tiny part of me never believed it would be possible for us to be as happy as we were. 

It was almost unfair, we had it that good. I would wonder sometimes how I'd fall back to earth. Would we have infertility issues? Would we come up against financial hardship? Would our house burn down? If so, regardless of what our challenge was, I knew we'd deal with it. We'd be happy with each other and focus on our blessings.  But I couldn't shake the fear... what would it be that popped our bubble?

I convinced myself there'd be a car accident. I lectured Dan about the dangers of using his phone while driving and beg him to be safe.  The day he didn't come home from work I immediately suspected this is what had happened and called the police to ask if there'd been any accidents involving my husband.

I never thought I'd lose him to suicide. Even when he was diagnosed with depression four weeks before he died and I knew he wasn't well, I couldn't consider that he would reach a place so dark. But when the police came to my house that night, many hours later, and shattered my heart with those devastating words - a little voice said 'there you go, there it is' and the other shoe dropped.

What was it that made me believe I didn't deserve to be that happy? I'm a good person, I'd waited a long time for Dan. I'd paid my dues, put in the hard yards as the single girl at the party, waiting for the right boy to ask her to dance. 

This is what bugs me now. We were good people. This was not a fair and I shouldn't have to assume that being ridiculously happy has to come with some kind of penalty or pay off.  I don't want to worry, every time things look up for me, that some kind of morbid, cruel karma is going to come along and take me down a peg or two. 

Maybe I just wasn't used to the level of joy and security. If we'd been given longer, years, decades, maybe I would have stopped feeling so uneasy in my good fortune and settled in to a sense of stability.  I hope I have that opportunity again in the future to feel that level of happiness that Dan instilled in me.  And I hope I have a longer period of time to enjoy it and grown comfortable with it and learn that it doesn't have to come with conditions or an expiry.  

The Happiness Project ......

                                                     source

...... has been making me think this week.

I'm not sure how I became involved in this, but I am.

I think it may have been through an email, though I can't be sure.
But I also can't think of any other way I would have agreed to do this.

I am a volunteer for this project.
Which entails me receiving 3 texts a day, 7 days a week, for more than one week.  I think.  I can't remember how long this is supposed to last.

But I get 3 texts every single day, asking me to rate my level of happiness at that given moment.
On a scale of 1 - 10.  One being very unhappy.  Ten being ecstatically happy.

I've been doing this for a week now.
And it's made me really think.
I mean really.

The first time I received a text asking me to rate my happiness level, I had to stop and consider.  I thought about where I was at that point in time, and how I felt about being in that place.
And just the process of stopping and taking inventory of my life, and my current situation ....... made me stop and realize something.

I am very, very blessed.
And I have many wonderful friends.

And ...... I am pretty happy at this point in time.
Yes, it's a different kind of happy that I had "before", but it's still happiness.  And that's huge.

I've never been able to give it less than a 5.
I gave one 5.  That was the minute I got back to my home after chasing down two dogs.

I am happier than I thought I was.
At first that was amazing to me.

But not any longer.
I've come to realize that I am much happier than I thought I was on a daily basis.
I wouldn't have been able to say that three years ago.  Or four.
Or even two.
Not by a long shot.

But time has moved forward ...... even when I didn't want it to.
And that's turned out to be a good thing.

That's not to say that I'm ecstatically happy 24 hours a day.
But I am happy most days.

In spite of being a widow.
And an only parent.

In spite of so much.

I am blessed.
In so many ways.

And I hope that that gives you hope.
Things will not always be as dark as they are now.
I promise.
You will experience happiness again some day.
I promise that, too.

In spite of living daily life on this path.
In spite of losing all that you lost.
Like me.

I experienced true love.
With the love of my life.
With my other half.
With the best man I knew.

Not everyone can say that.

I don't take that for granted.
But I do appreciate it.
Every day of my life.

And that makes me happy.
In spite of ....... well, you know.

I'm glad that I signed up for this "project".
I needed to be reminded ....... of how very blessed I was ...... and still am.

You will get here.
Before you know it.
And you will feel grateful ...... for how blessed you were.
And still are.

Many of us experienced a love that most people never get to know.
Most of us were blessed.
And maybe, if we're lucky, we'll be blessed again.

But even if we're not ...... we can still be happy.  And grateful.
Because we had something huge.
Very huge.
And most people can only dream of obtaining that.

So stop and think about how blessed you were/are.
And realize that, in spite of so much, you can be happy.
One day at a time.
:)