Uncertainty

The view from my verandah on Saturday morning

I know I've written about this before.
I know I sounds like  broken record.
But.
 .
.
I don't cope well with uncertianty.

That change in government I mentioned we'd had?  Well they have decided to get rid of their contract staff.  That means me.

Despite pulling two classes uphill this year, and being recognised for doing a stellar job, I find that I am once again in that place where I don't know what I'll be doing next year.

I've been in this place before.
I was a scientist for almost 20 years where funding is uncertain and you work on 3-year funding cycles.  I was never without work, but by the same token, I never really worried about it: I knew we could comfortably live on Greg's wage.

Not that he earned a lot, just that both of us come from farming stock and so we are a very frugal mob.

.....and I find myself getting angry at how things have changed. 

(not that it helps).

I am told that I am "lucky" I have the compensation payout.
(I know right?..... but I managed not to slap the person who said that)

But truth be told, money is not top of my list of worries .....
I am not good if I am not busy. 
Working, feeling useful, seeing the difference I make, being part of the workforce means that my mental health is OK. 

...and the not knowing what will happen is driving me crazy.

But I have to just wait out this storm. 
I have to hope that things will work out for the best.
Because hope is currently all I have got that is working for me.

Sunday's view

Can I play my immunity card now please?

I don't quite know why I haven't worked this out yet, but being a widow does not mean I am protected from Life parking its enormous derrière over my head and emptying its dysenteric bowels.

If life was remotely fair, it should protect me from further heartbreak.  
It should also deliver me a million dollars, a permanent job, a full home renovation, an overseas holiday, and after a time, a hot, intelligent man who can look at me and all my baggage and still say "Phwoar, what a woman!" 
....and yet none of that has happened.

I find myself back in a place of uncertainty.
The hole that I have been trying to climb out of since Greg died and left me on this shaky, moving earth without a still-point, a protector, a person to say "Everything will be OK." 

So much of my current angst comes from not having job security and having a misguided right-wing State government who is hell-bent on austerity measures that include sacking a whole heap of public servants ... and I expect that they will then poke about in the left-wing Federal government's unemployment figures and decry their terrible management of the country's economy and jobless rate.

Surely there's got to be some law of nature that protects widows  from further harm??  Some sort of immunity card that I can play when Life insists on throwing curve-balls.

Except there is not, nor has there ever been. 

So I guess it is up to me to rescue myself......  Which I'd gladly do if only I knew how.
I am trying to be my own hero.  I am proactive at looking for work.  I strive to make a better life for my children. Perhaps I have given up on the hot bloke with the big brain ... for now .... but I haven't given up completely.


...and short of finding some armour and a unicorn, I shall just have to keep trying everything I know to get The Universe to shift its great posterior to another location. (In other words- I shall have to suck it up and plod on).

...at least plodding is moving right?

Wish me luck

dandelion kisses (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I love my job, but I need to have permanency of employment. I've spoken about why in a previous post....

By the time this goes out, I will have already met with the staffing officer who has the power to make me a permanent employee.
So I guess wishing me luck at this point in time may be like shutting the gate after the horse has bolted.

But bear with me.....

There's no way of knowing the outcome of her decision until the end of the year.... so I will still appreciate all spare wishes just the same.



Permanency ......... at my current place of employment.

It's what I need.

So I'm asking for any spare eyelashes, dandelions, shooting stars, wishbones, and penny-wishes you can send my way.

But only if you have any to spare....

Security

Photo from here

Last week, I fell.

Emotionally.

Too many stressors on top of an already stressful life.
…and then the person who keeps work flowing my way resigned.

and I panicked.

Because she is the only person in admin who gets it.

But I met with her, and while she isn’t able to give me more long-term certainty, she moved mountains to keep me employed for most of next term.

….and instantly, my spirits lifted.

I’m happy that I am employed until December, but I’m scared that my emotional health swings so wildly around having job security.

In the past, I’ve never had job security.

I’ve only ever had contract work.

But it’s been OK because a) I’ve never been out of work, and b) I’ve always had Greg there earning an income to provide for us if I couldn’t.

Now, I need that security.
Please.