To Be Proud? That Is The Question

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For some reason, this memory was lost in the chaos of my mind.

And for some reason I remembered it this week and have been thinking a lot about it.

When I went to Camp Widow West in August, I went to host the suicide round table and to spread word about my FMLA petition.

I’ve written about both before, so I will skip forward to my forgotten memory.

As I was flying home from Camp Widow, Ironically sitting a crossed the isle from me was Supa Freshwidow,

“Your name is Melinda right? You are here for your petition, right?”

Taken a little a back, I say “Yes”.

She introduces herself. Even though I have followed her facebook and blog for a couple years now, I didn't recognize her. I somehow missed her through the weekend at Camp Widow.

And here we were, flying from CA to UT, sitting a crossed from each other.

She asked me how the suicide round table went, and I explained that it went really well, and I was proud of myself. That hosting the round table helped me more than I expected it would.

She asked me about my petition, and if I was proud of myself.

I had to actually think about that one. “Am I proud of myself?”

After some thought, my response was “no”.

She looked at me like I was kinda crazy. And said something along the lines of “How can you not be proud of your petition? You can potentially help a lot of people!”

I again had to think about it. “I guess I’m not proud, because it’s something that just has to be done. The laws have to be changed.  It’s hard to be proud of myself when it’s just something that has to be done. It’s not like I came up with the cure for cancer. I’m just doing what needs to be done.”

She again looks at me like I’m crazy, and then says “You know it’s OK to be proud of yourself, right? You know it’s OK to toot your own horn, right?”

Me “I guess I don’t realize it’s OK to be proud of myself.”

This memory was locked away in my brain. I don’t know why.

I have thought a lot about this memory this week, and found myself asking “Are you proud now?”

The answer is no. (Yep, I said it).

I still feel like I’m just doing what needs to be done. I don’t feel like I have made some major change or discovery that will help all mankind.

Sometimes things just need to be done.

Like if I saw someone in distress, I would help them, just because it needs to be done. It’s something I wouldn't put much thought into; I would just reach out and help the person in distress.

I guess I’m not proud, because my job isn't done.

The petition is exhausting.

When I started it, I never thought it would be as hard as it is. I never thought I would be so emotionally involved with it that I would lose mass amounts of sleep over it.

It is mentally and physically exhausting.

Especially when I see someone who is newly widowed, having to go back to work immediately.

The laws haven’t been changed. I still have a long road ahead of me. And as long as I am on this road, I have to watch newly widowed people struggle with the exact laws I am trying to change.

It’s like a kick in the teeth. Knowing that the laws are flat out wrong and I can’t get the laws changed fast enough to protect newly widowed people.

I realized that not feeling proud of my petition is kind of like grief.

I don’t see the progress I have made. I just see that I haven’t reached the finish line.

Same goes for grief. I sometimes see small glimpses of my grief progress, but often times feel stuck and ashamed that I’m not “further along” in my grief. I haven’t reached the finish line in my grief.

I’m starting to realize with grief, there is no finish line. It will never end and my grieving will never suddenly reach the finish line.

Even if you can only see small glimpses of your progress, it’s OK to be proud of yourself.

It’s OK to toot your own horn. And to shout from the roof tops “Look, it’s been 29 months, and the monthly anniversary almost slipped by without me noticing!”

Be proud of where you are. Because if you are reading this blog, you have made progress.

You have stepped out, and looked for support.

That is a huge step.

Be proud of that.

Be proud of yourself!

(You can read my petition here and you can follow the faceboook petition page here - I post where the petition is heading and what support I need.)

Me University

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In my before life I had many "projects" I dedicated all my energy to. I had a ginormous garden I'd work on for hours. I worked hard at my job as a teacher, investing every ounce of myself into being the best teacher I could be. I worked hard on my marriage, too, considering it my most important project of all.

The one thing I never for a second considered as a viable project was myself. Here and there, I'd try to address my own issues, of course, but it wasn't a project that I considered a major priority.

I realize now that when Dave died I gave up all my projects. I quit teaching, and moved to the city. 

Making myself and my own happiness and healing a priority never seemed viable before, but suddenly it was just me. No more teaching, no more garden, no more marriage.

I struggle against the idea of making myself my first priority. I keep trying to add new projects.

Go back to school! Get a job! Start a business! DO SOMETHING whether you want to or not! says a part of me.

It is beginning to dawn on me that I've been doing this because I never believed I was a worthy project. I guess I thought it was too indulgent for me to focus only on myself.

Now, I've been slowly allowing for the possibility that it's okay to make myself my one and only priority. It doesn't make me selfish or indulgent or immature to do so.

The other day I read an article in a magazine about a woman named Carrie who was in the empty nest phase so she quit her job to find out what she wanted out of life. She was taking all kinds of classes and learning new things and simply having fun. She called it "Carrie University" and suddenly, something in my mind shifted. Dedicating this time in my life to myself isn't something to be ashamed of. I didn't recoil when I read about Carrie. I didn't think "Ew, how selfish of her!"  I thought "Wow! What a courageous and awesome way to look at a new phase in her life!".

I will think of this phase in my life as Me University.  I will learn all I can about myself and what I like to do. I will, for the first time in my LIFE, make myself a priority. And I WON'T feel guilty about it!!!

Well, I'll probably feel a little guilty, but I won't let it stop me.

I didn't choose this new phase of life for myself. I don't want it and I'd trade it in to have Dave back, but I can't. Instead I will make ME my new project.

Thank God the admissions requirements for Me U are lax because my SAT scores sucked.