Homeward Run

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I'll keep on the theme Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation has run on their facebook page for International Widows Day - what I've achieved since Ian died. 

Well, working on achieving.

One of the big changes I made was to go back to school.  I knew my job would end about 12 months after Ian died, and I opted to work towards a change in direction.    But one semester into my 2-year accounting course, I was a bit unsure if it was the right direction, even though I'm getting decent marks and enjoy the studies. 

I stumbled across Financial Counselling, which here in Australia is offered as a free service by social services organisations to help those struggling with low income and/or significant debt  - a combination I've heard so many are facing in the widow community.  The financial counsellor works with the client to come up with strategies and plans to stretch what they have as far as possible, or get on a path of paying off the debt.  So I added a 6 month, on-line course for that this time last year.  Insanity - two qualifications at the same time! 

This week, I got over a hump that had me quite negative about the financial counselling - I passed the counselling skills face to face practical module.  I tried last year, but John was sick on the assessment day, barred from child care and I didn't have alternate care for him.  Then I personally found the alternate assessment they set up for me a negative experience that had me struggling to even fire up the course page. So I opted to repeat the face to face element.   It looked like this round was going to be a "John is sick, I can't do it" repeat, but thankfully I had another care option this year.

I've learnt a bit about myself doing both qualifications - I enjoy the numbers and strategy/technique side of both. I am soooo not a counsellor who could do one on one counselling, but I have a passion for financial literacy and improving that generally in the community. 

So I'm now on the homeward run to wrap up the financial counselling course since I've only got 7 weeks to go.  And this is the community education module, and my face to face widows group have agreed to sit through a session so I can complete the requirement!  You never know how your widow friends will help you, or need your help.

It will be interesting when I finish; something I've thought about as I've progressed through this short qualification.  This will be one of the first big, significant taking the bull by the horns life directions change things I've done, start to finish, since Ian died.  That he never knew about, since I had no idea I'd go down this path and probably never would have if he hadn't left us. 

And I'm not sure how I'll react when it's complete and I have that parchment in my hand.

School

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I am working through one of those 'I wish this decision didn't rest solely on me' moments currently.

John has turned three.  And that's when private schools here interview for the start of school at age 5.

I knew that, somewhere in the back of my mind.

But for some reason I thought I had at least six months before I had to think about setting up private primary schooling for John. 

As long as I've lived here, the local primary school was always going to be actively avoided for any children I may have.  After marrying Ian, he and I had planned to move to a different part of town and into a better school zone. Problem solved, kids won't be going to this school.

But obviously that didn't quite go to plan.  

John and I are still in the same house. 

Still in the same school zone. 

So late last year I started to look into private schools in the area, including one that was recommended by a family from our church.  Yep, that one looks good. 

• Strong academics - students are winning scholarships to top level private high schools. 
• Good language teaching program. 
• Very active sports program
• A smaller Christian school with a strong community.

Ticks a lot of the boxes Ian and I had, plus some I added to my list once I knew I was making schooling decisions on my own.  So to the top of the list it goes.

But I really wish the decision wasn't on my own head.

About this time last year I looked at high schools (back to front, I know), but then Ian's mother was actively involved in the selection & decision process.  We agreed on the choice of school, and for the same reasons. 

But she too is no longer here, so I'm making the primary school decision on my own. 

Late last week, I figure it's time to get a move on, so I look online to find out when they may be doing tours and meet and greets for potential families. I find their first newsletter for the year posted, so take a read.

And have a minor panic attack when I read the Principle is currently interviewing families for the 2016 Reception intake.

John's intake.

Once my heart rate slows down, I make a phone call. Thankfully they still have places available for the intake.  We have an interview with the Principle and school tour booked for today.

Now to hope they'll send an offer of enrolment after they meet us...  

Download

One thing I really miss about Greg is that, when I had a rough day, he would let me download to him and he would make things OK.

...and yesterday, I really needed to blurt out what an incredibly crappy day I had* and have someone tell me that it was done and that I was OK and that tomorrow was a new day.

But I didn't have anyone I could blather on to about the really shitty day I had, so I tossed and turned and worried all night, before metaphorically girding my loins and throwing myself into the lion's den again today (and thank goodness today was so much better than yesterday).

I know I could have phoned a friend, but this was not a rational conversation that I could inflict on anyone other than Greg who knew me so well he knew exactly how I was feeling and what I needed.

A man I knew so well I could download all of the angst in my brain without fear of offense, or  misunderstanding, or over-sharing, or overwhelming  him, or being judged. 
Knowing that he would take my scattered thoughts and help me to reorganise them into something I could carry again. 
Knowing he would help me see things in a new light and to gain a bit of perspective.

...and then he'd give me a hug and rub my back and tell me everything would be OK tomorrow....


* Yesterday involved: a day of party food (ie heavily artificially flavoured and coloured, sugary, fatty  food) from the tuckshop at first break; a whole bunch of kids who reacted badly to all those flavours, colours and additives; an anaphylactic reaction to a food additive which was not checked thoroughly enough by the tuckshop lady; and lots of anxiety and other related behavioural problems in my bunch of challenging-but-charming kids.Oh ... and I still had to teach them and make sure they were learning - that's the easy part.