Parenthesis

As noted last weekend, the 21st marked 3 years since my hero's death, but tradition continues of being around amazing widows leading up to or after the date.

This past week we were in Fayetteville, NC for our annual golf tournament for the organization, followed by our annual AWP Skydive!

Like all of our events, we have a definite melting pot of women at all different places in their journey. We spent time racing around in golf carts, talking till 4 in the morning, and lastly, suiting up to jump 13,500 feet out of a perfectly good plane for my 3rd year in a row.

During all of the festivities I have to say that I have never laughed so hard in the 3 years since Michael's passing. Not just laughing, not even snorting laughter (which I'm known for), but hurled over holding my belly laughter.

Each year that I can make on notch on the widowhood belt, I'm left amazed at all that my fellow widows do for me in the continual process of healing a heart that has gone through the most devastating of losses.

As the trip came to a close, sleep deprived, in need of a shower or two, and smeared eyeliner accompanying the proud bags underneath my eyes, I looked in the mirror to see a noticeable change after my three not long enough days.

Not just a brighter sparkle in my eyes, but more evident, very well defined smile lines on each side of my mouth. Two lines that we're a parenthesis to the grin that never left my face during my time with them. Lines that I proudly wear and look forward to deepening as the year's pass with my fellow widows ,who help me make the stories that form the evidence of a live well lived.

I love you all!

Happy Anniversary

December 23rd will mark the four year anniversary of our love eternal. We wrote our own vows, we rocked into each other the whole ceremony, we had a moment in time where all else melted away, we sealed our devotion with a kiss.

It wasn't about the dress, venue, gifts, or cake....it was simply about our love being personified.

Nearly three years of our marriage have been spent on different plains, yet it grows stronger and deeper with each breath I take for him...for me. He left me on this world with a kiss that I have been able to build a dream on....continue to build a dream on.

Here's to you my love...here's to us. And for ol' time sake, let's here Satchmo play the song we danced to nearly four years ago.....

"Give me a kiss before you leave me
and my imagination
will feed my hungry heart
Leave me one thing before we part
A kiss to build a dream on"

Napping before the show....

I'm tired.

I've miscalculated my energy for this month, which has equated to many a'naps.

In the midst of the over-exertion and holiday bustle, I drained my tank with no one in sight to grab me some gas. It's just a month of lots of everything!

December 23rd will be our four year anniversary and December 27th will be my birthday...heck, and lets throw in Christmas to make the party a little bit more fun ;)

Like any lead up to a special date or days, I've come to learn and know that it is the "pre-show" that messes with my mind. When the days actually arrive I see that it is like any other, yet it isn't. I have the ability to take another day in my life without Michael, but make it one he looks down on in celebration, one that isn't doom and gloom.

Until those days come, and I am given the blessed option to take an amazing day(that I know unluckily I can't share with my love) and make it even more amazing by sharing our love with other's who believe and support it, I will nap and most likely be drained to the core.

I'm resting up for the party, and letting the "pre-show" run its course.

Party on Wayne...Party on Garth......

“No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap.”

-Carrie Snow

I Believe in Fairy Tales

Michael's my prince charming. He saved me from the poisoned apple, kissed me out of an eternal sleep, slayed the dragon, and swept me up into his safe arms. And as soon as I was swept up, I felt like he was pulled away from me.

But, I still believe in fairy tales. It has been through my fellow widows; their stories, pictures, memories and thoughts....that I realized there were others in this world that had found their Aladdin, Beast, and Prince Phillip. It reinforced that I have felt the greatest of love's yet survived the largest of tragedies....and I was not alone in surviving.

It reinforced that love will always live on.

So I will wake tomorrow, out of my glass case, surrounded by seven dwarves but no prince...within sight. I will take on this world, this tale we started....and in the end I will have my happy ending, as we will be together, and live happily ever after....and until then, I shall always believe in fairy tales and the FACT that they do come true.

"Only those who truly love and who are truly strong can sustain their lives as a dream. You dwell in your own enchantment. Life throws stones at you, but your love and your dream change those stones into the flowers of discovery. Even if you lose, or are defeated by things, your triumph will always be exemplary. And if no one knows it, then there are places that do. People like you enrich the dreams of the worlds, and it is dreams that create history. People like you are unknowing transformers of things, protected by your own fairy-tale, by love."
-Ben Okri

Tough Month

"December is the toughest month of the year. Others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, October, August, and February." Mr. Twain hit the nail on the head with this quote, but December truly is a month that tests my perseverance more then the other 11 on the calendar.

I think as widows/widowers there are times of the year that are just a straw away from breaking the camel's back. Those times where if someone just looks at you funny you burst out in tears. Plus, the holidays just add to the burn that is already present in one's heart.

December is all encompassing of all I've mentioned above. It's a time with cheer, lights, parties, gifts, family, yada, yada, yada. Overall, it's a time that can be a tad hard to swallow when the person you'd most like to enjoy it with is not around. Add your wedding anniversary, and birthday to the mix and it makes it even more of a test of this "strength" we have.

The first "Hell Week" (Dec. 21-28) was not a good one. The family didn't know how to handle Christmas, I drowned myself in my sorrow, my eyes were swollen from crying and my voice hearse from screaming, "Why!!??" repeatedly. Now don't get me wrong, I went into it hoping to make it one Michael would look down and smile upon, I just wasn't ready to see the "roses and beauty" this darkness of a time held.

The second "Hell Week", was a tad better. I tried a new haircut, shared it with one of my dearest widow friends, stayed up sharing stories, looked at photos, cried tears of joy of things I've been blessed to have, but overall a huge change from the previous year.

This year I have no clue what way the emotional wind will be blowing, but I'm ready to pull up the "sail" and let it take me where it wants me to go. That's all I can really ever do in this life. Good times and bad. Happiness and sadness. January, May, October....December. No matter how tough they may be.

Yeah, I don't even know if there is a message to this. It's kind of a chex mix of a post, so I'll end it on that note :)

Thanksgiving

With the holidays upon us I started creating a list of things for our organization to make this time a more bearable one. I thought I'd share it with you all below:

The holidays have a way of magnifying our loss and can be a difficult and confusing time of year. “What to do? How to act? How to wake up and seize the day?” are just a few of the thoughts running through our widowed brain. With Thanksgiving kicking off the rollercoaster ride we’re all on this holiday season we thought we’d put together a list of ideas and things to do to make this time one you can enjoy.

· Help Others

o Bake Goodies to Donate to a local organization or charity that is helping to feed the needy this holiday season.

o Having guests over? Ask them to each to bring clothing, books, canned food, etc. and donate them to local shelters (women’s, homeless, animal).

o Deliver or hand out food for a local church, VFW hall or hospital or shelter.

o Volunteer in a Thanksgiving Trot or local festivity that may be going on that day.

o Host local military personnel that may not have a place to eat.

o Visit these sites:

§ www.volunteermatch.com is a great resource to find something in your area.

§ www.craigslist.com >community section also is a good site to find volunteer opportunities.

· Give Thanks…to yourself and others

o Go to www.legacy.com/soldier/home.aspx and leave a message to a stranger who made the ultimate sacrifice as well, or visit www.letssaythanks.com and send a free postcard to military members serving overseas.

o Start a Gratitude Journal. It's pretty simple. At the end of every day, write down five things that have made you happy or appreciative that day; not necessarily big things, even small ones count. For example: 1) nice weather, 2) being thanked by a customer at work, 3) my pet, 4) having people who love me, 5) or a funny joke to tell everyone.

o Be grateful for old traditions but don’t be scared to start new ones. Ask your kids or friends if they have an idea.

§ Here’s a site that has ideas on starting new traditions on Turkey Day: http://aginggrandparents.suite101.com/article.cfm/new_thanksgiving_traditions

o Don’t feel pressured to celebrate if you’re not in the mood. Be thankful that you recognize your boundaries and know that there are not right or wrong decisions. There’s only the decision to follow your heart and what you can bear.

· Remember

o During Your Holiday festivities, go out by yourself or with your children and pick out a candle. Square, round, scented, unscented, whatever you like, and light it at dinner or whenever you choose, as a representation of your loved one who can’t be there. Light it when you miss him, light it when you feel him, light it when you need to feel the glow of his love.

o Write a message to your hero of all that you are thankful for that he made possible or did to make your life better. Tie it to a balloon and send it up to him.

o If you’d like, you could do an empty place setting for your loved one at the photo, as they do at military balls and other military functions. Here is a link to read more about it:

http://regimentalrogue.tripod.com/srsub/mess_dinner_organization_c.htm

· And Most Importantly…..Relax

o Stick in a favorite movie or go to your local theater.

§ Visit http://www.google.com/movies to find your local showtimes.

o Hog down on turkey, stuffing, and pie till you pass out, while watching the Macy’s Day Parade on TV.

o Not cooking but still want a Thanksgiving Feast? Cracker Barrel and Denny’s are two spots open that day that serve all the fixings and more. Check your local newspaper for other places in town that may be doing the same.

o Don’t want a Thanksgiving meal? McDonald’s is open for all your Big Mac and french fry needs. Also, Chinese Take-Out is a sure bet on this day as well.

o Pick out an outfit to go shopping in on Black Friday and buy yourself a gift for surviving your 1^st, 5^th, 20^th….Thanksgiving without your hero. You deserve it.

o Cry, scream, laugh, sleep…. Do whatever you need and remember to breathe.

Other Useful Links and Articles:

Thanksgiving Day on a Dime:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Thanksgiving-Dinner-on-a-Dime&id=3294143

What to do with your leftovers:

http://www.chow.com/stories/10812

Thanksgiving Day Games and Crafts:

http://www.amazingmoms.com/htm/thanksgiving_games.htm

Release

I am a teapot (minus the short and stout)...or should I say, a tea kettle.

There are moments in my day, week, or month where the "pressure"/emotions inside of me become so overwhelming that they have to find some outlet to release all that is about to combust inside of my heart. Since I am unequipped with a whistling spout, in most cases it is released through my tear ducts, other times through screams, and sometimes through laughter.

The last few days I have felt an astounding amount of Michael's love. Of course I know it never leaves me, but there are times where it sits stagnant in my heart. The last few days it has felt as if he's been stirring the cauldron of my heart to make sure I know that he is here. Not so much for the long run....more so the eternal run.

All of that "stirring" the last few days heated up my kettle, which resulted in a "release"( in the form of tears mind you). Of course, you'd think after many of theses occurrences I'd have them down flat. I don't.

When the feeling starts pushing to the top I talk out loud to Michael. It's as if he is sitting right in front of me saying "I'm here, what do you have to say about that?". All I can say is that I love him, I feel him, I wish I could see and touch him, but I have learned those are not necessities for our love story to continue.

I think when my tea kettle "whistles" it is him letting me know, undoubtedly, unquestionably, that we are on this journey together. It took me two years to realize that, it'll probably take me much longer to get used to it, and forever to be thankful for it.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”
-Washington Irving

Why?

Why: adv. For what purpose, reason, or cause; with what intention, justification, or motive

Now we know there are definitions, but in this case it is three letters that come together to become a word that has a way of haunting those of us who have felt cheated of a lifetime with our soul mates.

"Why him?", "Why me?","Why us?", "Why so young?", "Why so suddenly?", "Why so violently?" ...and the list goes on.

In the first months this was a word that I loved. I loved it because it fed off my grief...my pain. It was a word that I could use to sulk in my new life, and it was a word that helped in hindering my journey, it was a word that was my companion of woe.

With time though, something prevailed; a voice, a knowing, something that had always been there but came out of hibernation, came to reign where it always should have....my heart.
The "Why's?" I was using after Michael was first killed had clouded my heart, clouded what was the one truth in a world of lies, but finally the truth showed through.

The "Why's?" that fill my mind and mouth now are "Why have a been so blessed to have him in my life? ", "Why did I get so lucky to find my soul mate and know true love?", "Why have I been blessed to know such happiness?" And I must say, it's a route I much more prefer.

It's funny how one's mind turns a switch to only find the sadness in life after loss, and hard for outsiders to understand how one can wallow in that sorrow. But when the time comes, the switch is turned on to the heart you always had that guides you back into the thoughts you are meant to have, the thoughts your spouse quietly whispers as you sleep each night, the thoughts that get you up in the morning to face each day....and that is one "Why?" I will not challenge.

“He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche

Insert Soul Mate

After traveling the last 18 hours, I have arrived home! Ireland was amazing and lived up to all of my dreams and expectations (though I had set none). From Cork to the Wicklow mountains, I compiled a dictionaries worth of memories.

With each new locale I'm blessed enough to see, I capture some of the best shots through the lens of my camera that Michael bought me while serving in Iraq. It's my dream Canon, and with it I've frozen some of my most beloved moments in time. When Michael died it began to gather dust. Taking photos brought me so much pleasure, and due to the "woe is me" attitude I had in the beginning, I wanted to enjoy nothing....even that which Michael knew brought me happiness. It's a selfish act that still tries to creep in at dark times.

It would be months later that I took it out. The first shots were in a National Cemetary. Slowly, I eased into other things, and when I began to travel it would be all of the sights before me. Shot by shot a slight void was filled, a passion rekindled.

One thing I have done through the glass shutter is bring a picture of Michael with me and take a photo of it in a spot I know he'd have loved to see with me. Afterward, I place it in a spot to stay forever, a way for me to leave a part of him, as I know I do with locations that I never dreamed to behold

Above is a photo in Finisterra, Spain after my 16 day trek. This past week I found two of the most amazing spots to cross my range of vision, Michael is there too. As it makes no better sense, since through him I have seen what true beauty is in this world. Not only did he give me the camera to capture so many moments, but the heart and eyes to perceive it.

Often while traveling with a camera we arrive just as the sun slips over the horizon of a moment, too late to expose film, only time enough to expose our hearts.
~Minor White

Once In a Lifetime

Michael and I always wanted to see the world with each other.

We had it all planned out; After he and I graduated, we would go to Europe and start our travels. From Greece to tropical terrains, we'd see it all (leaving a few places for after retirement) and then head back and start our family.

Fast forward to 2007 and our "plans" fell to the waist side. The last foreign country Michael would visit would be Iraq, and all the dreams and hopes of our life together dissolved as fast as it took two uniformed men to say, "We regret to inform you..".

It would be a little less then a year later that I found myself on the couch ( I know that's so hard to believe), watching TV (hold the gasps), when a movie came on that concluded with the main character leaving his life to pursue a "spiritual journey" in Spain. The sun set as he walked with a backpack and stick in hand. I'm a huge movie buff and for some VERY odd reason, this "straight to DVD" film caught my curiosity. As all humans do when curious, I Googled "spiritual journey & Spain" to see what came up. 5 months later I was backpacking 220 miles across Spain on the Camino de Santiago. I flew out a day after the one year anniversary with nothing but some euros, and and a backpack with two sets of clothing and socks. I walked over 15 days with nothing but my thoughts, and when I finished, I felt closer to Michael then ever before.

Everything I saw I took snapshots in my memory. Everything I'd never touched before, I brushed my hands across. Everything I'd never smelled, I inhaled into my being. I was taking notes of all that I'd be able to share with Michael. If he couldn't be here with me, I wanted to report back in full detail when we are reunited again.

Since that trip, I've made the personal decision to take a once in a lifetime trip....once a year. It's a time for me to reflect on where I have come, and revel in the fulfilling life I can live in the love of my husband, and in the love I have for myself. So next week I am off to Ireland, with my senses as my pencil and my memory as my paper. To write of the living I did (and continue to do) in the memory and spirit of my soul mate, and in the spirit of who I have become (and continue to become) because of him. Slainte!

“Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.”

Winston Churchill

Refresh

There are moments where I feel as if I am on an idle screen. It's a screen that am totally aware of what it looks like when it is fully loaded. It's full of memories, strength, perseverance, and a positive outlook that is all fueled off the amazing love I have been given. Yet, with this new journey before me, there are times when the page doesn't fully load.

I want to be reminded of all that is wonderful, all that fills my "screen", all that keeps me going. I want to click the "refresh" button, in hopes that the blank areas will "load" in those days and moments where I feel that all is gone.

It is only when I have sat and stared at that "idle screen", truly believing that the page will never fully be filled with all of it's contents, that out of nowhere, the refresh button is pushed.

I want to scream at the "screen" I call my life, for dragging me through so much, making me tear and break down all of my being, to then "refresh" what is the essence of who I am. But I can't. Because in the end, all is "refreshed", all reminds me of why I can stare at that not fully loaded screen. I can always remember what it looks like when it's all there, and look forward to the permanent "refresh" that will reign again.

“Affliction comes to all not to make us sad, but sober; not to make us sorry, but wise; not to make us despondent, but its darkness to refresh us, as the night refreshes the day; not to impoverish, but to enrich us, as the plow enriches the field;”

-Henry Ward Beecher

Experiencing

Doing things that Michael and I would have enjoyed together was once unthinkable. "If he's not here to enjoy them then I shouldn't" was a philosophy that was stuck in my brain the first months after his passing.

With time though, I realized that that was not doing myself or what Michael had taught me any justice. Little by little I dipped my toes back into the pond of life. With time those toes have become my feet, which led up to my legs, and at times cover my whole being.

Bitersweet they may be at times, but living life, is the one trait that Michael would want me to take from his time here on earth.

This weekend I'm at the Austin City Limits Festival, listening to bands Michael loved, bands he would have loved but never lived to hear, and enjoying life to the fullest. I am his ears, eyes, and life note taker of the things I can't wait to share with him. It is the best job I could ever have.

"I will not fail you, my love. I will continue on the path we shared and I know you will be there to help me, as you always were. And when we meet again at the journey’s end, and we laugh together once more, I will have a thousand things to tell you."
-Unknown

I Am Thankful

This weekend I am at another AWP event. We have military widows from all different creeds and backgrounds, all celebrating, smiling and living life to the fullest. As I sit in their presence, I am at awe and honor to be in their presence.

In each of them I celebrate their own individual journey, as it reinforces my own. I never envisioned my life being this way at the age of 23, but I could have never asked for more amazing widows in arms to be along this with.

This weekend we are staying in a cabin in the woods, horseback riding, cooking, and relaxing at the spa. But more then that, we are learning how to live and love life again. The instant camaraderie that comes with being a widow is one I know will never ever take for granted, as it has been a key to my path in widowhood.

Thank you widows.....Thank you.

Flashlight in Hand

After Michael was killed, people I had known nearly my whole life seemed to drop like flies, one by one. The calls came less and less and with each meet up it seemed like bricks had been laid that separated me from them more and more. The lack of understanding, the not knowing what to do, or just the not wanting to know what I was going through, were a few of the many reasons I believe they evaporated from my life.

There were times where I found myself with no one to turn to. Or those that were left to turn too, I made sure not to share too much, in fear that when they saw my reality they would disappear too. It wasn't until I met some of my dear widow friends that I learned the true depth and the many levels of what a friend can be. I was not scared to face my future in knowing that when the darkness came creeping my way I would have others around with a flashlight to lead me out.

It's been over 2 years and people still come and go and every time I make ot form a new friendship there is an inkling of fear that they may disappear without a trace. But I have been taught that whether they are there one day or there a lifetime they each have helped me take a step forward and have guided me through tunnels of despair I never thought I'd get out of. More importantly, there are the friendships that have taught me that they will never be far away, no matter the distance or the different paths we take. They are the people who are there for me when the tears come, but more importantly there to enjoy this journey we each our individually taking. They are the friends that help me build my own flashlight in the times when they couldn't be there to shine their own.

No matter what paths we may be on or how along the widowhood journey we have traveled, all disappears when it comes to those true friendships, for if they are true, none of that will matter, for it is those friends who celebrate your heart's calling, for they know you are cheering them on along on there's.

From telephone calls to meet ups in person, I'm excited to share what great memories the past has brought me, what is up and down in my present, and all I have to look forward to in the future. They celebrate what strength I have been able to attain from my soul mate, and encourage and lift me up in a nonchalant way on the down turns that sneak up when we least expect it.

I have been hurt, as all of us have of the bonds that may have broke too soon, but there will be those friends that come into your life that make you forget it ever happened, and for that I am forever grateful.

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.
~Elisabeth Foley

Wax On, Wax Off

It is life's little things, the daily routines, that bring me peace in days of mental stormy weather. From vacuuming to paying the bills, they are those tiny moments we take out of our day to do the necessary (and the sometimes unnecessary) things that give my mind a break and time to focus on the doldrums before me. In what some could view as pesky tasks, I look forward too.

A perfect example would be last Sunday. I took my car to car wash, inserted my quarters, finished off with spot-free rinse and headed back to my driveway to what would continue on to be 3 more hours of car-laboring love.

I roll down the windows, blare some of my favorite tunes, and start at the rims and make my way up. Who knows if that's the correct order, but it's my order. From there I waxed, buffed, polished, and moisturized every inch of that little car of mine.

During that time I reminisced about when Michael and I would wash the car together. From deciding who got to use the sprayer to who got the change. I smiled quietly that Sunday afternoon of memories passed. The simple ones, the ones that were ignited from me buffing a large chunk of metal or the others that float up when checking out at the grocery store. They have no magnificent tale behind them or message of any kind, they simply are my memories being brought to life by my present actions.

It's surprising how much memory is built around things unnoticed at the time.
~Barbara Kingsolver

I'm Fighting

Michael and I fought....or as I called it....debated, over who took the trash out or burned whose clothes ironing. The minute...the small things. But out of those small things, simple and silly things, I found the most important thing to fight for... And that is our love.

After losing Michael, I did not fathom the amount of adversity that comes along with following ones heart. It was one thing to follow your heart when your soul mate was alive, but once they have passed on everyone believes they are worthy of having a stake or claim over what you should do with your own life.

Two years into my journey I can say thatI have fought, and continue to fight, for the most worthy of causes. I have been bruised and beaten down to the pulp. I have tasted the blood on my lips from the battering of others trying to force their own journey upon my own. But thankfully, I have stayed my course....I have "fought the good fight".

It is in the biggest fight of my life that I have found the most everlasting of loves. I have seen the reality of miracles and the light of one's life upon my own.

All it takes is one glimpse of the most unfiltered of life's gifts to know that all the pain and adversity faced will bow down to that which will always reign above the rest....that of our love together and the love he continues to show me.

He is my my lighthouse, my debate, my guidon, my heart, my soul and my everlasting gift of true happiness.I will fight till the end for that which I believe is worth fighting for, and I could have never asked to put in the ring for such a worthy cause.

My Big Fish

I had seen this movie before Micheal's passing. After everything happened I had a yearning to see this film again, and it was afterward that I knew why. There are so many scenes that can relate so closely with. The scene below is one that reminds me of sitting in the car after the service. We sat in it right afterward to listen to the bagpipe player play "Amazing Grace" and I remember sitting in the front seat, folded flag in hand and staring at the large group that surrounded us, and stared. Strangers, people that were Micheal's childhood friends, others acquaintances, some just onlookers who had been able to glimpse into the moments of our everlasting love.

Enough of my jabberings though, I hope you enjoy it.

Songs

Songs. From the time Michael was killed I remember leaning on music and songs to help speak the words I was feeling, and in a way, let my self realize the reality in front of me. Sara McLachlan's "Angel" or " I Will Remember You" Goo Goo Doll's "Iris". James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover"..... and the list goes on. All were songs I played on repeat in the very first months.

As time( and all it offers/explains/doesn't explain) went on, more songs would show them self or speak to me in what I was feeling at the moment. Coldplay's "Fix Me", Sigur Ros' "Hoppipola", and Devotchka's "How it Ends" have all laced my journey of my own unique widowhood.

Some give me a feeling of invincibility in facing my tribulations, while others were great to listen too when I needed a match to light my tear "fire". All have helped me, given me comfort, spoke what I could not and more.

Like any work of art, each song is open to it's own interpretation for those listening to it. The meanings and healing these lyrics and sounds have given me is priceless.

Here is the latest song that definitely defines where I am. The lyrics speak of my undying love and journey (Like WSM mentioned earlier this week) that I am taking with him....now and always.

I Honk For Love

I love LOVE.

I love how it makes a person feel. I love the glow that quietly shows itself in the scrunch of your eyes or smile on one's mouth. I love the feeling of invincibility that it instills in those who are in its grasp. And more than anything, I love when it is 100 percent, Grade A, TRUE LOVE. The kind that has no doubts or questions, the kind that makes you believe in all that life truly is and has to offer.

After Michael made his early exit, there were times I looked at those whose spouses were still alive and wonder, "Why them and not me?","What made them deserve this and not us?". Luckily this bitterness was quite temporary.

My grief had blinded me from all the beauty and moments of rare love that are cemented in eternity that we shared.

When Michael was still alive, strangers would approach us and remark on how in love we looked or how they hoped to find what we shared. Those are moments I will never forget, moments in which somehow our love passed the plains of our own hearts to be seen or felt by others....a love with no bounds.

I still share that love with him, now more then ever, but unluckily we live in a society of vision...a society that seeks visual truth. Not all society knows that a love as deep as ours and a love that proves that it is stronger then death can be seen. But that will not deter me from going up to strangers and letting them know that they make a beautiful couple, or honk when a car reads "Honk, we just got married!"

I celebrate the love and happiness of those whose loves are still here. I celebrate it for those who celebrated the love Michael and I shared when he was still here. I celebrate it for the love I still have with him. I celebrate it as others realize that not all love can be seen with the naked eye. And most of all...I celebrate for the reason that it reinforces, even more, the strength and endurance of the love I have been blessed enough to receive.

"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye."

~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

On Cruise Control

Lately, I've felt as if I've been on cruise control. It was turned on, set, and smooth sailing from that point on.

Now while many would say how fantastic that may be after sailing roughly through the squalls of widowhood, the calm waters actually make me uneasy. The irony in this realization can't stop me from snickering and letting out a laugh.

For the past 2+ years I have set sail on this voyage.....A voyage I was hoping at times would sink beneath the waves to never continue. A voyage that has made me fall to my knees with the realization of beauty that was still possible through the darkest of clouds. A voyage I had become used to navigating through the toughest of storms. But the the one thing I hadn't mastered in my many days at sea, were the days in which continual clear skies and glass water would make my acquaintance.

With these recent reflections, I've realized that I have become accustomed to just holding on by the skin of my teeth. I have become quite the companion to the hurricanes in life (that like to show up when I least expect it), that when I see the clear forecast I am almost at a loss for words or actions.

In many ways I cherish this new "setting", even though I know not any one is truly ever "set", for in so many ways I see the facets of this journey showing through this diamond in the rough of a life I now have.

"How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light."

-Barry Lopez