I looked at them for the first time the other day. I read every single one. I hadn't forgotten how much we loved each other, I just hadn't seen such visual proof of it in so long. He loved me so much. I loved him. We had such a comfortable, open, easy way with each other.
Seeing that felt like a ripping in my chest. I couldn't breathe and then I didn't want to breathe. Crying didn't ease the pain and I worried I'd never be able to stop crying.
I can't believe he's gone and with him, the me I used to be. I can't believe WE are gone. Our house, our life, our stories. All of it ended on June 4, 2011.
I can't believe he'll never text me again. It feels like I'll never believe it. How could I believe that all of that is gone? It feels like I blinked and when I opened my eyes, I was here, in this new life. We didn't deserve this. I hate that this happened to us.
Tomorrow will be the second anniversary of that terrible day.
I am still committed to living fully because he can't. I still know that he'd want me to be happy again and he'd rejoice in knowing that I had made the rest of my life worth living.
But, oh this pain is so big. So big that at times there isn't room for much else.
I still will wish this anniversary to be over quickly and that my thoughts won't linger too long in the dark spiral of those last moments of his life.
On the other hand, tomorrow I will celebrate not only that I've survived this but that I loved and was loved.
