What is a Partner?

As an artist, I believe that every piece I create is coming through me from some other source and meant for one person out there. I've come to believe this because of it happening to me with many of my photographs and written pieces. Someone will come forward to share how important my image was to them, and how perfectly it aligned with something in their world, and I will know instantly that it found its home.

Nothing made me more certain of this idea than finding this painting last weekend. My girlfriend and I went to a local art festival, and as we walked into this woman's booth, my friend gasped and called my attention. As I looked up, I was speechless. There on the walls of her booth hung an almost exact painting of MY photo of my fiancé and I. And I knew instantly - I was the person she made that for, even though she did not know me at all.

Of course I bought it. And as I was paying her, I looked up the photo on my phone. I told her the story of my fiancé passing and then showed her the image - and she was as blown away as I was. We both teared up a little. I've had it resting on my writing desk since I came home… and it lights me up inside to look at. Not only because of the photo it represents, but also of the story this photo reminds me of...

A week before Drew and I began dating, we took a trip down to Padre Island together. We were best friends back then, just on the cusp of something more. One night, we went out to the beach to do some stargazing. There was a moment we both stood facing the blackness of the ocean, side by side. We joked about how scary the water looked at night, and how there could be a giant sea monster five feet from us and we wouldn't even know it. And then we just stood there beside each other in this incredibly strong, powerful, safe silence. And in that moment of quiet, with a vast blackness stretched out for miles before us, I knew for certain this is what I wanted. Someone to stand strong next to me. Not in front of me. Not behind me. Not leaning against me. But standing solid in his own power next to me. Ready to take on all the vast unknowns of life with me… even when it looks like something dangerous could be lurking just feet away. Someone on his own journey, who wants to stand next to me on my journey.

There was a serious change in me that night in understanding exactly what a partner is. We'd not yet made love, or kissed, or even held hands. But I didn't seem to need any of that to understand what I truly wanted was standing right next to me and had been all along. The rest… the romance, the intimacy, it all unfolded beautifully as the result of beginning from a place of such profound trust.

This painting reminds me of that night. It reminds me of the moment in my life when I finally understood what a partner should be. And it reminds me of the man who taught me this lesson - a man of integrity who - for the next three years of our lives together - always had my back. A man I trusted more deeply than I even knew was possible. He gave me more than just his love, he gave me a lesson that I take with me for the rest of my life. This painting reminds me never to forget that lesson; that - when the day comes to choose another partner - I will not accept anything less than the one who will stand beside me - both in the light and in the dark.

If we only knew

Our baby boy, due November 30

I haven't really posted much about my pregnancy yet. Part of that has been because my life seems to be back-to-back craziness lately and I haven't found the time. The other part is that when I really sit down and think about what this pregnancy means in the realm of this community and the past that somehow effects every part of my future...it gives me anxiety. 

I have worked really hard to not think about my fears of losing Steve while pregnant. I've tried to be deliberate about keeping my mind on positive things. When I first found out, I couldn't sleep for a few days. It has subsided for the most part, but lately, I've found that the anxiety is creeping in again.

Each week I get closer to 26 weeks (which is the day that Jeremy died), I find myself gripping my chest, praying that God would spare me the pain of deja vu. I also remember a little more clearly details about my last few weeks of pregnancy with Jeremy alive the further I get along. Today, I've been thinking a lot about our last 4th of July together - watching the fireworks with his hand on my belly and smiling at the awestruck expressions of our children. Tonight, I can't help but think of the irony to be back in that place....but in a completely different way.

What it made me realize is that there's a reason we don't know our future ahead of time. If someone showed me the outline of life 5 years ago....I would have run screaming in the other direction. Yet here I stand, embracing experiences that hurt me in the past, learning to trust again, allowing wounds to re-open and heal properly. It's bittersweet, and yet I'm learning so much about myself as I go.

If I only knew....I probably wouldn't be where I am today.

I guess that's the point of trusting the journey.

Trust ......

                                                         Photo source


...... is a terrible thing to waste.

And I have wasted it.
On more than one person.

But I won't waste it again.
Which is kind of sad, because that means that I will never again trust easily.

Especially not a man.
I hope that makes him happy.
I hope he's pleased to know that he was such a dirt bag that he taught me to be wary.

Not really.
I don't hope he's happy.
He doesn't deserve to be happy.
Nor do the people who knew what he was doing.
The people who lied to me.
As he lied.

I have not reached forgiveness yet.
And I'm ok with that.

In fact, in spite of him ...... in spite of them ...... I am happy.
Very happy.
And very, very, VERY relieved.

I'm also thankful.
Thankful that I grew very tired of walking on egg shells.
Thankful that I finally spoke my mind.
And got out of jail.

I put the bars up when I decided to walk on those egg shells.
I imprisoned myself when I chose to stay quiet, rather than give voice to my feelings.
I locked the door when I tried to make him happy, by not saying what I thought.
So I have no one to blame ...... but myself.

But I learned something very valuable.
No man is worth that cost.
No true man would accept that price.
No real man would charge that much.
Or try to use a woman in that way.

And I will not settle for someone who's less than a man.
Never again.

I would rather be single until the day I die than to be with the facade of a man.
I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than live with a user.
I would rather live happily by myself, than be imprisoned by someone who doesn't know how to love.

I would rather love a dead man for the rest of my life, than love someone who doesn't deserve to be loved.

I paid a price for trusting someone too easily.
A very high price.
But I am thankful for the lesson.

And I am happy to be free.
And happy to be able to do what I want, when I want ...... and to answer to no one.
No one on earth anyway.

I look forward to the future.
And living life ...... with me.
Traveling, visiting, working, ....... enjoying ...... life and living.
With my children.
With my family.
With my friends.
With whomever.
And with me.

And even if it's only me ...... I'll be happy.
And relieved.
Very, very relieved.
And hopefully always thankful.