Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Believing....or Not~

I'm not in denial.  I know Chuck is dead.  I feel it...have felt every part of my body since 2 years ago, April 21.  He's gone.  Gone, gone, gone.

And yet, I swear that there is still a part of me that doesn't believe it.  That can't believe it.  How can he be gone when he and I were so connected?  How can it be that I'm walking on this earth, just Alison, without his name said in the same breath?  We were Chuck and Alison.  That couple who, after 24 years, were still in love with one another, who still kissed and hugged and whose faces lit up when the other entered the room.  How can that be over?

2 years.

I didn't think I could live 2 months without him and I don't know that I'm actually living but I'm still alive these 2 years later, as insane a thought as that is to me.

I don't necessarily believe in an afterlife.  Heaven.  Hell.  In between.  Other dimensions.  I'm open to the possibility but even if there is something, it isn't good enough for me because it won't be (I can't imagine that it would) what he and I had here on this earth.   Our spirits may never connect after I die.   So I don't have a belief that brings me any comfort.

In some part of my brain I think that there is that grain of a thought that he's somewhere here still. We're just apart for now and I'll find him again and we'll continue on as before.  In our years together we'd spend time apart, whether it was when he was in the military, deploying somewhere, or when I visited family or friends, knowing that we'd be back with one another in a timely manner.  I guess my heart still needs to believe that so that the reality of his death doesn't crash down on me and into me and flood my system with such agony that I can't continue standing.

He was my husband, my lover, my everything.  And I just don't understand how it will ever be okay that he is missing from me.


  1. Allison, thank you for saying the words that I cannot... I've posted on here before... I'm at a year and you are at 2 years but I know I will feel the same way then.. It is so unreal that he is not here with me... we had such a beautiful 23 years.. I also have the same feeling that you do of the afterlife... I wish I had more faith but I guess I'm too logical... thanks for this post Allison...

  2. Alison - I know what you mean. I just can't get my brain to wrap itself around the fact that my sweet husband - my soulmate - my completeness is gone. Forever. It is like I keep crashing into a brick wall of reality but bounce back still searching. As I watched him take his last breath I wondered how a bond so strong could be broken, even by death. Where did he go? And what do I do with all the love I still hold for him in my heart? I don't think it will ever be ok either. Sincerely, Jane

  3. Alison. ...I really do not know what to say.. My heart simply goes out to you. ...for me, since I do believe in an afterlife, I am able to find comfort that I will see my John well as the others that I have lost before him.

    I know that for many they do not believe such as I do and that is fine.. You don't have to believe that in order to do what I feel has best helped me to begin re-living my life again by honoring my husband's memory and to learn again the love of the living of life like he would be doing but was denied I truly believe that my John would be in much pain, emotionally that is, if he knew or saw that I was suffering so much that I simply could not find joy in living again he knew how precious living was.
    It takes time to find the strength to learn how to live joyfully without the love of our life....however I think the first stop is to recognize that you can not live forever in such deep grief. .it is too painful to be there forever. ..if you did, you will truly die emotionally and physically. least I felt this to be true for me. ..
    Once you recognize this, then you need to do a lot of soul searching and figure out ways that will help you move out of the deep debilitating part of grief... and working toward finding the joy of living again. ....while still loving Chuck. ..I think reaching out to others..counseling. ..self help books are good ways to start.
    I started all of these things shortly after my husband died, which is coming up on three years now as of May 8th....Somewhere around the 18 month mark I started to feel that I was turning the corner and I saw light at the end of the tunnel.. And the hope of enjoying the living of life again.. Every now and then I backslide.. And then I regain my strength and continue on.. As time has gone on, the backslides are less frequent and intense.. However, it will always be a day to day process.
    Hang in there....continue your beautiful are getting closer everyday. ..

  4. Dear Alison: The depth and anguish of your grief just breaks my heart and I wish there was something I could say to lessen your pain. I agree with Linda's comment that you cannot live forever in such deep grief and so I hope with all my heart that you are able somehow to find joy in living again. Thank you for sharing with us the great and special love you and Chuck had. Penny

  5. I'm on board with Alison and posts #1 and #2 as I am about to hit 27 months and I am not seeing the light or revelation or reprieve that #3 has had and it is not for lack of trying everything but drugs and prayer.

    This is much bigger for me than just being able to believe that time is going to give me a bigger allowance. Nope, instead this meeting I had with death has formally and irretrievably broken the contract I had with life. I do not hope or believe in anything now. My trust has been violated and I have been delivered to a dimension designed to have me wander and wonder what happened. The magic is gone. Maybe another lifetime another dimension beyond this one but no longer for me here. Maybe I'm just too much the pragmatist but regardless this is not working for me. A faith that I can do more, have more, be more is just idle speculation. I have full awareness now of reality. It aint pretty. From order to entropy, I'm 7/8th of the way there.

    1. Mrs C....what has helped me is when I think if the situation was reversed and my John was the widower and I was gone, I would want him to take what was left of his life and over time as he push through his grief... and pushed to get beyond the very dark side of grief..that through His love for me and through his desire to honor me because I had lost my opportunity to live life, that he would find the joy of living again. I guess my thinking is I would not want him to lose his life over me because of grief. If I was the one who died then more than likely, I had no control over my death.. But he would have control to continue to be able to live life and to find a way to love living life again.

      My husband absolutely loved life.. He loved living life.. He fought so hard to be able to have the privilege to live life and to live it and as much joy as he could make it be.. It is his love of life that gave him the courage to have a life-saving bone marrow transplant.. However a mere 18 months later he lost his life due to a very rare complication following a successful transplant.

      I guess when I think about all of that and I mix it up with all of my grief I feel that if he was willing to risk his life to get back to enjoying living life again then the least I can do is to fight like hell to not allow my grief to make me want to give up my life.
      So if it were the other way around I will want my husband to fight like hell just like he did to be able to live life.

      There are some days that is so very overwhelming and I don't think I can continue on yet those days are getting further further apart. I guess the experience of losing the love of my life has made me appreciate my life.. And to treat it like the special precious gift that it is.

      My husband also asked me to not allow him dying to stop me from living my life.. He asked me to do what I needed to do so that I could get to the point that living life was once again a joy.....
      my husband will always be in my heart.... And I will love him forever and more.. And he will never be forgotten.. Because I I am choosing to find the joy of life.
      I guess that is the bottom line ....though we did not get to choose to be a widow or choose to not have the love of our lives anymore.. We can choose how we're going to honor the ones we have so dearly loss.

  6. Me too. the rational part of the brain knows but the heart just can't accept. One year anniversary coming up soon and I am in such a slump. I:m only 50, How do we make whole new life? Been together since I was 18.