One restless night of blog surfing, I saw someone post the exact number of days since they lost their soul mate.
I must admit, I stopped long ago in counting the exact days and months since Michael was killed. Knowing such numbers, especially in the never-ending days in the beginning of my grief, seemed like mental suicide. As much as I'm a believer that each day on earth is a day closer to them in heaven, I couldn't fathom marking and taking note of each day without him...that is a loss in my being that no month, date, calendar, or clock can construe.
Yet I admit, as I stared at the widowers days numbered, I was tempted to find out my own. I found a site that allowed me to find out the duration from date to date...
"Submit" was clicked.
1157 days can be converted to one of these units:
* 99,964,800 seconds
* 1,666,080 minutes
* 27,768 hours
* 165 weeks (rounded down)
I stared at the numbers.
I wasn't numb. I wasn't in shock. I simply looked at them, shook my head, and closed the page.
As much as I can't believe that it has been that long since everything happened (and had I been earlier out I may have had a different reaction) I've learned one thing above all;
In 1157 days I have struggled, cried, given up, stood back up, laughed, smiled, grown, cried some more, scorned the heavens above, thanked the heavens above, given up on life, taken back my life, fallen to my knees...prevailed.
I look at 1157 with pride, not pain.
I have survived 1157 days without my soul mate physically here. I have fallen deeper in love with the man who took a new form and shown me a new perspective on our amazing relationship and my new life.
Just as I couldn't count the days or months these past 3 years because I felt that no number would ever bring back my love or erase the heartache felt because of his death...no number or date can be put on the length and depth of our love...but when I am given the chance (or the curiosity) to see a number, it will be one that reminds me of the strength born from both of those things.
My name is Taryn Davis. My life ended 1157 days ago....but in the last 1157 days it has come back from the dead...stronger then ever...fueled by the essence of any life...the knowledge that is has true love on its side.