Authentic Life

 

Mother's Day card from my girl...

On Mother's Day, Widow's Voice alumnus writer Jackie Hannam-Chandler posted these words:

I... am an authentic mom. I am real person who makes real mistakes.

She lamented on her role as a solo Mum..... a widowed parent, muddling through this parenting gig alone, without her beloved Jeff,  trying her best for her kids that she can.

.... and her frank admission that she sometimes lets it ALL hang out  - her emotions, her frustrations, her feelings that are not always pretty  - made ME feel like someone else really understood the hard bits of this solo parenting gig. 

So I wrote back to her ....

Your mother's day would describe my day before mother's day - I lost my sh!t  temper at my kids because of the fighting and me having to tell them to do their chores every few minutes.
...and what you describe fits me to a 'T'.... I worked in forestry for a while and picked up the dialect..... I elevate swearing to literary genre.
In other words - the F-word makes its appearance when I am stressed.
In our house, we don't do elaborate holidays, or expensive presents.
We do home grown and home made.
And I lose my freaking shit temper at them more times than I think I should, but I would eviscerate anyone who hurt my kids. 

Jackie wrote: I hope that as they look back at their childhood and shake their heads at my mothering foibles, they also realize that it is okay to be themselves, to be real, to mess up, to be "authentic". Their mama sure was.

Just like Jackie, I hope that my kids can look back on their childhood and not see the messed-up stuff that has happened since their father died, that they see my failings for what they are (grief and stress) and that they also understand that it is important to be themselves and feel their feelings. 
Its OK to mess-up. 
It's OK to stress about things. 
It's even OK to chuck a tanty and swear your head off, so long as you back it up with positives and lots and lots of love.
That grief can change you and bend you, but not break you.
To live your life as a REAL person, and not a phoney. 

To live an Authentic Life.

So I am putting my hand up as being an Authentic Mum (thanks to Jackie) .... with all of my faults.  ...and after receiving my mother's day card (above) I reckon that I am doing OK....
In fact, I think Greg would be proud....

Anxiety

I have always been highly strung.
I give the impression of being laid back, but I'm like the proveribial swan, paddling furiously under the surface.

When I first studied at university, I made sure I got first class honours and a scholarship to finish my PhD.
When I went back to do my Diploma of Education the year before Greg died, I went a step further, getting straight 7s (highest score) and graduating with high distinction at the very top of my class, winning the prize for my year (which turned out to be a fancy dinner and a certificate). 
It wasn't that I was driven to succeed, it was that I was anxious that anything less than my best would spell failure.

....and that was what I was like when Greg was ALIVE and using his calming, grounding influence to keep me from shooting through the roof at every little thing that even mildly rocked my plan for world domination world.

Now, I find myself unable to calm down when things become a little stressful.  
There is no voice of reason there to remind me that nobody is going to spontaneously combust unless I run around like a chook with its head cut off to hose out the myriad of little and big fires in my life.

I am currently stressed .... my job is under threat.  It's a long story that involves a new government cutting jobs which will result in those eager young beavers on contracts (like me) being pushed aside as the old guard who have been working in policy for the past few years, dust off their rusty skills to return to the classroom, pushing us out in their wake.

I've been quite anxious about how I will support us next year (when my contract ends).

I've been quite shouty and didn't I sleep for two nights:  I get more shouty when I am tired.

To put it mildly, I've been barrels of fun to be around....

I am trying very hard to keep some perspective...... but it's been hard without my human security blanket here to calm me down.

Today, instead of flying into a rage or crying or rocking in the corner, I've tried to remind myself that possibly the worst thing to ever happen to me has already happened (Note to Universe - this is not a challenge to see if you can up the ante).

I have other options for work: we will not starve to death.

...and I've been spending as much time as I can outside: in the garden; walking through the bushland across the road from my house; strolling along the waterfront.

Trying to channel Greg's calming influence.....
Trying to hear his voice through the whir of my mind.

...and so far, I'm succeeding ..... it's ...... OK.

...and maybe that's all I can ask for just now.

Spilling Over

Is it just me or does anyone else feel like they are coping most of the time but then something comes up that's kind of significant, but kind of not and then you feel as lost, scared and alone as you did right back at the beginning?
...and then everything just spills over?

I was doing OK. I had started the new school year with an entirely new mandated curriculum and I was OK. I had everything planned out so that it would be fairly cruisy.

...and then I was given a second year level to plan across.

...and the stress built, but I was OK.

....and then a Huge Scary Python started visiting my chicken's cage every night (it's body is thicker than my arm).

...and I started to crack a little. Greg is the person who dealt with scary creatures.

...and then?

...then we had 10 inches of rain in two days.

...and then I discovered that all the money I've spent on drainage and fixing the problem from when it happened last time only mitigated the problem: there was water seeping into my garage again.

....and suddenly, I really wasn't OK.

All of these stresses suddenly became insurmountable: too much for me to deal with.

...and meanwhile, I'm determinedly 'coping' lest my boss think I wasn't coping and take away work.

...and my friends are telling me how strong I am (when they don't see me weeping in the shower at midnight).

But then, Just One Person does something positive for me, without me needing to beg and suddenly I can cope again. I can pick up the pieces and keep moving forward.