How Can I Be Merry?

This is the fourth Christmas I have spent without Phil. I find that fact almost incomprehensible. Where has the time gone? How do I begin to count the things that have happened in my life since his death? The kids have grown several inches, our families have grown and changed, our house is different in many ways, and I put up the Christmas lights in record time (I am getting good at it!)...and all of these things are bittersweet. Life has changed in a variety of ways, and yet Phil is still dead. He gets the updates about our lives via my heart-to-heart chats with him, but there are now other people who get the updates, too. There are many parts of Christmas that remind me of him, of us, of a life that is no longer...sometimes the memories make me laugh, and other times they make me cry. And there are still days when I shake my head in wonder that Phil is not coming through the front door any minute.

So how can I be merry? How do I savor a life that Phil isn't sharing? When do the memories cease being haunting? I can only answer for myself...and what I have found is that knowing that Phil is forever in my heart gives me the comfort I need to have a different life. Things aren't what they once were. I am no longer naive to the concepts of death, grief, devastation, and despair. But meeting these dark companions has changed my life. When I discovered how dark life can be, I instinctively reached out for the light. As I walked through the valley of fear and uncertainty, I searched for a path towards hope. And when I experienced the absolute truth that life is actually short, my own life became more valuable as a result. My new motto is live. Live for today, because this moment is all we have.

How then to be merry? Accept that healing takes time. Know that happiness is eventually, and always, a choice. Hold tight to the love you have for your spouse, but don't let that hold become so tight that it strangles the living you. Value the opportunity to change someone's life, in ways large or small. And as a good friend once said to me, rest in the riddle.

Wishing all of you the chance to be merry....even if only for the briefest of moments.

Michele

Question Number Sixteen

Did you feel his presence in any specific way?

I have to admit that in the early months after Phil's death I ran from place to place (literally and figuratively) hoping to find a definitive sign that he was still with me. Is he in our room? Maybe in his garage amongst the tools? Could he be in the car? Near his bikes? Somewhere in the backyard? Insert in your mind here a vision of me looking under the bed, picking up each and every tool on the shop bench, sitting in his seat in his truck, straddling his bike though my legs were too short, and wandering aimlessly in our backyard...all in search of proof that Phil wasn't really gone. Over the last few years I have heard many stories of people who have felt their loved ones in their presence. They have no doubt that this experience is real, and derive great comfort from being with their lost spouse for just the briefest of moments, but Phil and I haven't been in the same room, for certain, since he died.

I have often wondered if the reason I don't feel him around me has something to do with my belief in the possibility that this could actually happen. Over the past three years I have looked for him in every imaginable spot, and even ordered him to appear when all else failed. I have spent a good amount of time fervently wishing, hoping, praying, or begging that I could find Phil in a particular spot, any place would do. Eventually I realized that if this were possible for me, I would never do anything but sit in that sacred location, and be with him. He knows me well, and I think he knows the truth: I couldn't handle being able to 'visit' him. Each visit would need to be a bit longer, every opportunity to run to him at any sign of trouble would be taken, and over time life would pass me by as I hid my face in his silent presence.

Some spouses are blessed with the certainty of their loved ones presence, some are left to wonder where they have gone; but I believe that love is the place all of us will most certainly find our heart's desire. Our loved ones live best in the hearts of those of us who loved them and lost them...each person who knew Phil holds a little piece of him in their hearts, and it is in our shared memories that I find him--without fail.

Another Widow's Voice

One of the blessings of the work I do is the opportunity to share stories with widows from all over the world. Our sister widows are some of the most generous, courageous, inspiring people I have ever met. You all continue to humble me with your trust, and I am touched by your willingness to share your personal journey of grief with myself, and your sister widows.

Today I received this wonderful antidote from my friend Kathy who lives in Seattle, Washington. Kathy lost her husband of 28 years, Steve, in September of 2006. Through the fires of grief and the devastating pain of loss, her long held dream of becoming an elementary school teacher has emerged as the precious metal that the flames left behind. I am thrilled to report that she is going to school full-time, and heading confidently towards her dream of teaching young people. Here is the message she sent me today, I smiled as I read her words, and thought you might, too......


Good Morning Michele,

When VHS movies first came out, Steve had a poor copy of Neil Diamond's The Jazz Singer. He loved that movie and the girls grew up watching it. They have searched for it, but have never been able to find it. Today, while I was doing Christmas shopping at Target, I looked up and there on the shelf was the 25Th anniversary copy on DVD of The Jazz Singer.....two copies left. It was like he was saying, "here's my Christmas gift for them." Oh, I love it when those special moments happen.

Hope your holiday preparations are happy and your home full of love.

Merry Christmas!!

Kathy

“Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them; but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight .When we do the best we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another.” - Helen Keller

Gratitude and Grief

As we approach the National day of thanks, my mind drifts back to my first Thanksgiving without Phil. The kids and I headed out to my mom and dad's house, and dutifully began the feast preparations...fast forward to two hours later when my sisters and I were sitting on the couch crying our eyes out over the lyrics of a song! The world was all wrong, and happy seemed a foreign state of being.

The interesting thing is, that while being happy seemed completely out of reach, being grateful was an every day occurrence. I will never forget the overwhelming feeling of gratitude that kept me afloat during those early days of pain and loss. Each time I needed something, someone was there to fill that need. When I wanted to sit and cry, there was always a shoulder available to cry on. Looking around at my children, I could not help but be grateful for the blessing they are in my life. Gratitude and grief are not mutually exclusive concepts. In fact, if you look closely you may find that one leads to the other in a very unexpected way. Perhaps that is because just one ray of sunshine makes such an impact on the complete darkness of loss.

Three years have passed since Phil's death, and his absence is still felt around the Thanksgiving Day table. But added to my list of things to be grateful for is the fact that Phil's presence is also felt around the table, and in the hearts of the many people who knew and loved him. I am truly grateful to have been his wife, and I count his memory as one of my most treasured blessings.

I wish each of you a day filled with gratitude, and a heart full of memories from which you can never be parted.

Welcome to Widow's Voice. This is a new place for me to post the random thoughts that run through my head about my experience as a widow, the awesome things I learn from other widows, and share news about widowsbond.com, the Widow Match Program, and the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation. Thanks for your patience in waiting for me to finally update the 50 questions that I began on the widowsbond website...that feature will be moved here permanently. Widowsbond will be undergoing a transformation soon, so visit us again now and then! For now please feel free to contact me at michele@widwosbond.com with any comments or stories you would like to share.

Healing happens one day at a time, and life can once again be precious.

Michele

The Widow Penalty

Immigration is a hot word in communities around the nation. Everyone has their own opinion on what should be done about our immigration policies, and the solutions are hotly contested everywhere from government institutions to neighborhood delis.

But there are unfair immigration practices that are swept away with the tide of negative publicity surrounding the larger issue, and they affect our sister widows.

Widowsbond advocates for women suffering the loss of their husbands...and in the case of the women you will meet below...the opportunity to live in the family home, visit her husband's grave, walk into his closet and smell his clothes. All of this and much more are taken from the women that will be featured on 60 minutes this Sunday, November 23rd.

Brent Renison is an attorney working for these women for free. He is providing legal counsel to many women who had nowhere else to turn. Due to his efforts these widows have a voice. All they ask is that their cases be considered individually by the immigration department. Brent describes what is happening and how you can help in the post below.

I encourage you to take this opportunity to reach out to sister widow's who need more voices to get behind their cause. Grief is a large enough load to carry--automatic deportation shouldn't be an added loss....

Hello,

I promised to let everyone know when I would appear on CBS 60 Minutes. The time has come. Barring unforeseen circumstances, Bob Simon, the most honored journalist in international reporting, will expose the “Widow Penalty” to the nation this Sunday night , November 23rd on CBS 60 Minutes.

America is deporting widows of American citizens automatically and without appeal when their spouse dies during bureaucratic processing of the green card application.

My sincerest desire is that, after watching the broadcast, Monday morning you will do something about this terrible practice. There are a number of ways you can help to end the widow penalty. The most important is to tell your elected officials that a change must occur in the abysmal way that we treat widows of American citizens. Whether you effect a change in the way the current or future Administration handles the cases, or push through a legislative amendment signed by the President, this practice must stop. Visit www.ssad.org and click on the box on the front page to find out how you can help.

Please be a part of that change on Monday morning, and please share this information with anyone whom you believe will join us and do the right thing.

Brent Renison

"When tears come, I breathe deeply and rest. I know I am swimming in a hallowed stream, where many have gone before. I am not alone, crazy or having a nervous breakdown. My heart is at work. My soul is awake."

~Mary Margaret Frik