I've stored PinkMagic for a couple of months while I'm here in Arizona, while I take a break from the road to write my book and rest a bit. While I'm here, I'm staying with my son and his wife and family, which is wonderful and I know that they're happy to have me but...my mind....oh, my mind and where it goes as I figure this crap out.
For 24 years my life was my husband. I adored him, I was in love with him. Together he and I lit our world on fire and I felt fulfilled and useful and our life was one of adventure and excitement in so many ways. I loved being his wife. I felt sensual with him. There was a vibrancy and electricity as we moved and touched one another that energized me daily. It was physical, it was emotional, it was spiritual.
Who the fuck am I now? This image of myself that I see in the mirror lacks...everything that used to be and I don't/can't see what is there now. I feel genderless, honestly. My body was accustomed to his touch, his lovemaking, our bodies moving together in passion. I miss that dreadfully. My eyes oh my eyes where did the sparkle and flash go? All I can see in them now is dreadful sorrow and stillness and confusion. Such confusion. What is my role now? Where do I belong when home was a person and that person is dead? I don't say any of this in self-pity (and I feel I have to add that because sometimes it seems that people make that judgement). It's more about shock, I think.
I still keep my right hand empty when I walk. Old habit. Maybe I'll feel him take it in his again one day.
Sometimes I turn on the music Chuck and I would dance to, and put my right hand out, and my left as if resting on his shoulder, and I dance with him again. Ghost dancing I call it.
At night I reach out for him next to me. I hate the emptiness that I find.
When will I again feel like a woman? When will I figure any of this out? Will I ever feel passion of any kind again? Will a man ever kiss me again and, if that happens, will it kill me from wanting him to be Chuck?
Fucking widowhood~
Alison, thank you for this blog. I couldn't have expressed it better. Describing this lonely hell without the men we loved and cherished is difficult. Most people just don't get it and won't until they live with grief 24/7. My husband was retired military and all man in every aspect of his being. I loved and adored him. After 3-1/2 years without him, life is empty. Karen
ReplyDeleteKaren,
DeleteWhat did your husband do in the Air Force?
The emptiness-it is a huge, gaping hole inside of me; I know what you mean~
The angst of it all. I know what you are talking about. Just at the three year mark and still have good and bad days.
ReplyDeleteThanks Alison. If I am stuck in traffic I put my hand out and hold my husband's hand. I love the recipe for the day.
ReplyDeleteMaria O.
Chuck's cremains sit shotgun in the passenger seat, with his flag and a picture of him sitting at the flight panel on the 141 he flew on. I reach out and touch it so often, as I drive this Odyssey of Love.
DeleteAnd you're welcome for the recipe. Change it up as needed~
alison
Oh God, I'm only two and a half months in and I so understand the pain you still feel.
ReplyDeleteThat is so, so early on and my heart goes out to you and every part of me wants to reach out to you and hug you~
Deletealison