When we met, Mike was 45 and I was 31. He died at 59, when I was 44. Now I am only a few days away from my own 47th birthday.
I think about this a lot these days. Getting older; being middle-aged. Being older now than Mike was when we met. And the fact that I will not share those same years with Mike that he did with me.
He was so excited about having this new chapter in his life - our marriage was #3 for him. I know he had been sad thinking he would be alone, after his second marriage failed. I think sometimes he could hardly believe it, that he had found love again. And I of course was often in disbelief that I had met such an amazing man. He was so adoring of me, as I was of him, and we were so thrilled we had found each other.
And it was a grand adventure, being married to Mike - it wasn’t always perfect of course, but it sure was an adventure. Of course we would have no idea our time together would be cut so short. I had realized that I would most likely outlive him - but I certainly didn’t imagine he would be gone when I was in my mid 40s.
Now I face the world, and my life, not only without my husband, but at an age when I am starting to see signs of aging in myself. It totally sucks. I never thought about getting old when Mike was alive…I was secure in my marriage, secure with my age, secure about my life…now, not so much. I’ve found myself working very hard to fight the process. I know a few other widows of my similar age who have told me they feel the same way.
I do remember him often lamenting his own aging, many times commenting that he recognized the face staring back at him in the mirror as his father rather than the young man of his mind’s eye. I didn’t really notice the process happening as it occurred slowly over time, but looking back at old pictures the difference is notable. I always thought he was handsome though, and I told him so often, to his last day. The pictures above are of Mike in 1999 at age 45 not long after met and married, and then in late 2011, at age 58, a little over a year before he died.
I wonder a lot how things will end up in my own life. How long do I have? Will I find grace with age? Will I be alone or with this new man or…? And if I’m with this new guy or someone else how will he age? What will happen to him? Would it be harder to be alone or harder to go through pain or disease with someone else? I feel scarred from seeing Mike get sick, from finding him there that morning…I feel gun shy about possibly doing it again.
I know at some point I will have to make peace with aging…and peace with the idea of others around me getting old too. But it feels very challenging.
Losing Mike in my own middle age has really shifted my perspective on life. I am trying to focus on each day, each moment, finding some good days, good people, things to look forward to…because I’m more aware than ever that my own time is limited. I want it to mean something; I want to look back on it all someday myself and feel I did the best I could to live this life I was given.
In the background I hear the ominous, never-ending sound of a giant clock ticking away the moments of what I hope will never be a dull life.
Mike never led a dull life - that is for sure. I think he heard that same clock ticking too.
Ive also just celebrated my 47 birthday being widowed at 44. My husband was 10 years older than me so it was always in the back of my mind he would go first. Never expected it when it came though. I never really considered my own mortality before that. Now it weighs on me I in my head I have a goal which probably seems ridiculous it everyone else. To live until my youngest child is legally an adult. Another 3 years. Then I can relax. However I do my best to live now and plan for a old age that's going to be different to how I envisioned it
ReplyDeleteIt sure will be different than we imagined it. And yes the issue of mortality is so much clearer isn't it. I am so sorry for your loss. Blessings to you and your children.
DeleteIt is one thing growing old with your partner, but aging without - alone - takes on a different view. My wife will age no more, but I will. How many years ahead do I have left?? I see people passing away at my age, people with names, and we know life doesn't go on forever.
ReplyDeleteJust live our days and enjoy them, and all our surrounding adventures.
I think about that all the time, how many years I have left. Yes we much try to find good things ourselves now. I am so sorry for your loss.
DeleteMy husband was six years older, but I never thought he would suddenly die at age 69. Rich died in June 2011. Soon it will be four yeas since I held him and kissed him. When I look in the mirror I don't recognize the sad and aging face staring back at me. I know that my husband's death has aged me much faster than I would have aged had Rich been here with me. Happiness trumps grief in the aging process. Facing the future without the love of my life just plain sucks as all of you know.
ReplyDeleteYou said it. Their death brought on this aging so much faster. It really sucks. My heart is with you.
DeleteMy husband was five years younger than me, so I have always been older. Always used to joke that I got married to a younger guy because I didn’t want to be stuck with an old guy. He died unexpectedly at 50. Sucks.
ReplyDeleteYup. Really sucks...thank you for sharing here. It means a lot.
Deletethanks for this, Stephanie. My husband was seven years older than me and not in the greatest of health, and I always knew I would outlive him. But I thought we would have at least 10 years. Strange how life takes away all the certainties we have built up for ourselves. At 58, I don't worry about ageing, but I do worry a bit about being old and vulnerable and on my own. I think about that when I step on a ladder, or even walk in the hills, or even down the steps. What if I fell, and broke something? Who would even know? Who could I ask to take care of me? I am much more cautious about falling, now. Like an old woman. Geesh. It is so weird, being on my own again. I don't think I will have another relationship. But this loss is still very new. I guess we don't know what the future will bring, do we? xx
ReplyDeleteExactly. There is no one who would know if I get sick, hurt, or get home ok now, let alone if I live long enough to get old.
DeleteFear is sometimes overwhelming! Deb
DeleteI dealt with this fear by getting a roommate. And developing a relationship with a neighbor. You can also establish a daily routine with the local market, a restaurant, the mail person. Just be sure they know your name and the street you live on. (Privacy but police & paramedics can figure it out.) You can also arrange a daily wellness call from an answering service or a care-at-home business. I would recommend a safe deposit box for important papers in case someone has to come into your home if you go to a hospital unexpectedly. Also, talk to people "in the industry", ie: hospital social workers, senior citizens organizations. (Yes, even if you are young! Brainstorming for fresh ideas and perspectives is always a good thing.) Offer to check on someone else. And may God help all of us!!
DeleteTricia, We really don't. I've learned so much, going through this processing of his death, including to tread lightly and be ready to jump at any moment. You just never know what's around the corner, and I try to have no expectations. And I too feel vulnerable - I always felt so safe when Mike was around. It's a very difficult transition, learning to live without his safe arms around me.
DeleteAnd Snowygirl - great thoughts here. It is important to have things arranged for sure. I have made arrangements myself in the wake of Mike's death. It changed my perspective on that to be sure.
I am now older than my husband was when he died...that birthday was a tough one to go thru. Just returned from a sailing trip, supposed to be a vacation, and one of our crew died. Life is so strange, yes, be ready to jump. Tomorrow may not happen, live in today. My friends death, in a beautiful place, quickly, while he was snorkeling, would be how I would want to go. Only hassle was we were out of US waters, so spent the week dealing with arrangements. Brings it all into focus again, no guarantees for any of us, no telling what today will bring, get your affairs in order, carry your medical records if traveling out of the country, make sure someone knows who your doctor is. My last sailing trip, on the boat my husband and I were to retire on, which is being sold, will forever be remembered.
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