Saturday, April 18, 2015

Complex Joy

©Kelly Rae Roberts
I struggle tonight with what to write here. Not because I have no words for my pain... but because lately, I have been... happy. And I am struggling to write about that. Lately, my new life has become one I genuinely love. It may not be the life I had with him - but it is rich and full... and to be completely honest, it is actually far richer and more full than the life I had when he was part of it. I am a deeper, healthier, more open hearted person. I have deeper relationships with everyone I am close to now and have kicked the unworthy ones to the curb. My artistic career, although very challenging and still in the fledging stages, is meaningful and fulfilling for me. While I still have my bad days and occasional triggers and there are still certain aspects of my life that I am working to change... for the most part, I have a very full and fulfilling life.

I have mixed emotions about this. How can I possibly love my life again? And furthermore... how can I possibly love this life even MORE? How could I choose this life over my life with him if given the choice? (And I would actually). And how do I not really feel bad about that? That's some really complex shit right there.

I don't feel bad for feeling happy. I feel like it is only making Drew happier to see me finally wanting to embrace joy more fully again. And I do believe I deserve happiness. So why does it feel so damn difficult to write about happiness. Why do I fear that it will sound like I am bragging or that I will alienate readers who are in a different place on their journey through grief? It shouldn't be so hard to write about this. But it does seem like happiness becomes a taboo subject when we are grieving. Like it's not okay to admit that you may actually have some joy still left in you. Heck, maybe - eventually - you find you have even MORE joy left in you than you'd ever had before. I think this is how I feel now... that my heart is even bigger since he died - and has room for both more sorrow and more joy.

I'm just going to close this up by saying, I think that is a wonderful thing... the thought that maybe we can find just as much joy in new ways and in a new life someday as we had in our old lives. Maybe holding onto this idea can help us along when things are rough and there isn't much joy. And the grander thought that maybe - as our hearts expand from the pain of loving them - we will find that their death has created the space in us to experience even greater joy than we could have ever known had they not died. It's a complex idea, for sure, but in my heart I personally believe - this was his greatest and most lasting gift to me.

21 comments:

  1. Thank you for writing about your journey to "happy". It gives me hope that as I moved down this path, that happy is attainable again. Bravo for you to write about this!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you my friend. Keep hope in tact. Happiness will come again <3 Thank you so much for your encouragement to me as well. It means a lot!

      Delete
  2. That was very inspiring. I think that once you experience the extreme pain of grief, you can appreciate happiness that much more.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Ruthie - a very profound statement!

      Delete
  3. I will be thinking about those for awhile, Sarah. This post, and even Ruthie's comment, has me pondering our abilities to deeply experience this life. Thank you. And I am happy for you too.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Please, please keep writing about your happiness. One thing I think about a lot is how it feels like I will never, ever know happiness again and that all my life will just be coping and getting through events till I can come home and cry. It's nice to hear from someone who has lived what I am living that there is life on the other side of all of this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for this - I needed to hear it. Just a short year ago I was still very much deep in grief. Keep your chin up, you WILL get there. <3

      Delete
  5. "How can I possibly love this life even MORE?" Wow - complex indeed! This is VERY heavy shit. I am no where near where you are Sarah. I am still desperately longing for my old life. Nonetheless, I am happy you have new found joy and purpose in your life. Where I work, we call this HOPE. Good for you!! Sincerely Jane

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Jane for your beautiful words! Keep hold of hope, things really do get better!

      Delete
  6. Sarah, so happy for you. I think that death makes us examine our lives mores carefully and perhaps makes us more eager to experience relationships better, at least it has been that way for me. I think because i know what i lost and perhaps didn't fully appreciate it before i lost it has now made me treasure and work harder on my relationships today. So proud of you. I know you worry about alienating people, but remember, you are helping those if us who have came out of the fog a bit and give us hope for new beginnings.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for this wonderful comment - it helps me so much to have other to talk about all of this with! Just as much as it helps anyone reading. So grateful for our conversations here!

      Delete
  7. I know that I am a much better wife to my second husband than I was to my late husband. The little petty things don't bother me as much and I don't hold grudges now. I truly know that every aspect of life can change literally in the blink of an eye, and that knowledge has allowed me to be a better spouse, and a happier person.
    Thank you for writing this post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much GG - your comment helps give me more courage to keep sharing openly. I finding the same as I enter a new romantic relationship for the first time... I don't worry about the little stuff anymore and that leaves room for so much more joy and living in the present moment. Such a gift. Thank you!

      Delete
  8. I like what Anonymous 8:04pm said and I am glad I read your thoughs Dan

    ReplyDelete
  9. I like what Anonymous 8:04pm said and I am glad I read your thoughs Dan

    ReplyDelete
  10. such a gorgeous piece, written with such insightful honesty; that your heart is even bigger and can hold both More joy AND sorrow is so profound. surely a state to aspire to, rendering and reaffirming the truth of how marvelous a gift our humanity, in all it's dimensions, gifts us with such miraculous possibilities. and I love that one word written across that beautiful painting - ALLOW. I'm going to add that to my daily mantra, Sarah. Thank you! much love, Karen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. much love Karen! I'm so glad this one resonated with you <3

      Delete