"And Then.." Part 2

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Well friends.. my time has come.

I am retiring from widow’s voice.

Today is my last blog.

I've been thinking about quitting for a couple of months now. I couldn't figure out why I wanted to quit something that has always brought me such relief and peace.

While talking to a friend about not writing anymore, he said “The Melinda I knew a year ago was a widow. Being a widow was your identity and made you who you were. The Melinda I know now has been widowed but is not a widow. It no longer defines you.”

Ah ha. It clicked. After the three year anniversary of my husband’s suicide I made major changes. Not changes that I actually went out and did. It just happened slowly, piece by piece, over time inside of me, slowly changing me.. suddenly I was no longer a widow. Being widowed happened to me but it did not consume me and my everyday life anymore.

A year ago I honestly thought being widowed would kill me. I was in so much pain I didn’t understand how I kept waking up every day. I now have days that are rough, they can be sharp, but they don’t leave me completely useless. I can cry and grieve and move on with my day.. the rough days no longer destroy my day. I can now sit with my grief.. and move on.

While I will always be widowed and it will always hurt, I will always miss my best friend.. but I am moving forward and finding peace. I don’t live in the horrible memories of my husband’s final days and his suicide.

I was honestly a little upset and scared to tell Michele that I was retiring.. especially because I couldn't quite figure out why I felt it was time to retire. She said “I love the transitioning of writers on our blog, because it means we are healing. And that, my friend, is a beautiful thing.”

She is right. I wrote to heal. I told my story to heal. I told my story to get it out of my soul. Now I am healing.

For that I will always be thankful for Michele and Soaring Spirits. Thank you guys for allowing me a place to write and to heal. Thank you for believing in me and believing my story would make a difference.

I will miss my readers.. but please remember that if I can walk out of this and heal.. so can you. 

Being widowed will not always identify you.

With that I am off to work on my “And then..”

Let me introduce the new Sunday writer, Sarah Treanor -

Sarah is an artist and writer out of south-central Texas. She lost her fiancé on June 12, 2012 at the age of 29. He was a helicopter pilot who had just finished flight school and landed his dream job as a commercial pilot. While on a contract, he was riding along with another pilot when they hit power lines and crashed. He was killed instantly.

Two months after his death, she quit her job as a designer, left the city, and moved to the country to stay with his family and focus on healing. With a fire to continue in his footsteps and live her own dreams, she is now devoting much of her time to her art and writing – including recording her journey and their life together on her blog http://our1000days.com. She has said that no amount of pain is a match for her fire to live life as an adventure - the way they did - and she wants to inspire others who have endured loss to do the same.

Welcome Sarah!

endings and beginnings

Photo from here....

This post marks my last post as a regular writer for Widow's Voice. It is a truly bittersweet moment for me.
Mostly, the feeling that is most prevalent is gratitude. I am so thankful for the opportunities that writing for this amazing this organization has provided me.
My life has been enriched by the community of widows and widowers who know and understand every trial and victory associated with losing your spouse. I am forever in wonder of the kindness and empathy that we share for each other and for the comfort and support given to me and others like me.
Writing has allowed me to truly examine this journey that started on March 25th, 2008. I believe it has allowed me to step back from the the loss itself and analyze each feeling, thought, and death-laced interaction. I have grown and learned more about myself and this journey than I ever thought possible.
I have found now that often when I sit down to write, I am often find myself mulling over thoughts that I have had....numerous times in the last few years. They have become part of me. Part of the fabric that is woven into my being. I don't think it's right for me to keep hammering them into a forum that needs new and fresh thoughts. New voices and new journeys.
I want to thank each of you who have read, commented on or supported my musings here. You have been a lifesaver to me and I hope the newest Widow's Voice writer, Veronica King, finds it as soothing and cathartic as I have. I know you'll love her and her writing!

XOXOX

A Kind of Retirement

The sun will shine again.

I love the idea that there is a time, and a season, for all things, but change has always been hard for me. I like sameness, actually I used to thrive in the familiar. But the transformation that has happened in my life since Phil's death has taught me to accept my uneasiness regarding change as par for my particular course knowing that some of the most amazing blessings in my life are a direct result of changes I would not have made, should anyone have given me a choice.

In the spirit of embracing change as a positive step towards growth, I will be retiring from my regular writing spot here on Widow's Voice. Knowing that I will still be involved behind the scenes, and that I will be leaving you in the very talented hands of a dedicated group of writers, makes stepping down easier, but I will miss being a part of your daily life. Before I go I'd like to give you a bit of WV history, and a peek at where Soaring Spirits is headed in the coming years. I've included some links to previous posts to offer you a road map of my own Widow's Voice journey, it has been an honor to enter your homes and travel a bit of the widowed road with you.

The Widow's Voice blog was created on November 6, 2008 in answer to a request from the community that was slowing building around a website I created for a book I haven't yet written. My concept for the book developed very early in my own grief journey. Having no access to widows my age, I went in search of them armed with 50 questions about the practical side of loss: how long to wear your wedding ring, what to do with your loved one's shoes, what side of the bed to sleep on, did you dream about them, did you wear black, what kind of support did you get from your family....you get the idea. My plan was to compile their answers, add my own story of finding and meeting them, and then put my book baby out into the world. Sounded fairly easy at the time, though I've since learned that the road to publishing isn't as straight and narrow as I imagined. After one year of interviewing (here are some photos from that time) I accidentally created a small community. Then I began to get requests for my answers to the fifty questions I asked during my cross-country travels, and so the idea for this blog was born. I'd answer a question a week, and have 50 weeks worth of content! I didn't plan what I would do next...who plans when you are grieving? ;)

My small personal blog grew into a movement I would never have imagined. The transformative change was the addition of other writers. Confession time...I did this because my advertising agency required daily updates and there was no way I could keep up. How to solve this problem? Why not make this space a collaborative effort? The idea to have seven writers on the seven days of the week turned on like a light bulb, and so I began to hunt for writers willing to share their stories of widowed life with this blog audience. Our early authors included Mie Elmhirst, and Nicole Hart who have since retired, but the rest of the team keeps working week to week to inspire, comfort, and sometimes just commiserate with all of you. I am humbled and grateful for the dedication shown by our team of writers (click their name to read their introductory post on WV); Janine, Taryn, Michelle D.,Kim (who took over for me when I used to write on two days), Jackie (who took over for Mie), and Matt (who took over for Nicole), and was the first man to join the ladies club.

Until Matt joined us, Widow's Voice only presented the female view of the widowed journey. But the longer we published this blog, the more clear the need to provide a larger variety of perspectives became. To that end, a fellow blogger introduced me to Dan's blog and an opportunity to reach even further by including a gay widower was created.  Dan and I have been sharing Mondays for a few months, and I am grateful to leave my writing "day" with this generous, and movingly honest, man. This talented team of writers will continue to be here for you day after day with me in the background cheering them, and you, on from my editorial post.

My blog family has been witness to many of my personal milestones...the challenges of watching my children grieve their stepfather, facing the reality of  family life without my partner, the painful realizations around my growth through widowhood, the fourth, and fifth anniversaries of Phil's death, the idea of "comparing" my late husband with my then boyfriend, the incredible joy of camp widow number one, and number two, the journey from dating to being engaged, and the previously unimaginable wonder of marrying again. Thank you for the gift of walking beside me through these moments, you've changed my life by embracing my words, by adding your own, by sharing your insights with other readers, by encouraging me through the ups and downs shared in these links...and by coming back to Widow's Voice day after day to honor the love you have known as you figure out how to embrace what lies ahead. We began this effort with about 100 views a month, and today we average 32,000. The numbers grow daily, and I continue to be astounded by the power of shared experience.

What lies ahead for me personally? First of all I will still be the Editor of WV...and I am certain to write the occasional guest post. Next, Soaring Spirits has set some very large goals that include touching two million people annually using electronic means by the end of 2016, hosting a Camp Widow event on both coasts in that same time frame, identifying and securing funding sources that will enable us to meet these and many other goals, and maintaining a laser focus on our mission...creating communities for grieving people that allow them the space to grieve while providing them with tools for recreating their lives. All these dreams began here on November 6, 2008. I leave this regular writing gig to focus my attention on these goals. I want to make this happen for us, and for those who will have no choice about joining us in the future. We speak hope, and so many widowed people need to hear our voices.

Wish me luck, or better yet....join me in the effort!