Monday, October 4, 2010

I Didn't Cry

When I first was able to entertain the thought of marrying again, I was certain that I would fall to pieces when asked to utter the phrase, "till death do us part." Those four words mean something completely different now that I know what parting actually feels like. In fact, I often teared up when discussing my fear of this phrase with Michelle...before there was any threat of actually having to say it! So as my wedding to Michael approached, I was nervous about the vows section of our ceremony. Would I be able to speak?

As with so many other milestones on this widow journey, I was surprised to discover that the lead up to the ceremony was much more nervewracking than the actual moment. I found myself overcome with joy that Michael and I made it. Together we allowed grief to coexist with love, though the concept may not make sense to many other people. He didn't require me to walk away from my widowhood in order to become his wife. With the assurance that my love for Phil was safe, my love for Michael found room to grow.

This love includes my kids, my family, my friends both old and new, and my widowed community. Finding someone who could embrace every part of my life is a blessing I experience with awe, and instead of crying all I could do was smile.

But, I will share a secret with you. When Michael and I finally laid down at the end of a wonderful evening full of love, laughter, and friendship...I cried and cried. When he asked me what was wrong I said, "I don't think I believed until right this minute that this day would actually come." I explained to him that I feel like I held my breath for the two years we dated, waiting for the other shoe to drop. He kissed me on the head and said, "Don't worry, both my shoes are still on." ;)

I write this today being able to very clearly recall saying the words, "No one will ever measure up to Phil." The journey that has led me to the place I am today has been equal parts terrifying and amazing. This post is not intended to imply that being married again will wipe away all the pain of loss. Nor do I believe that marrying again is somehow mandatory as proof of healing. I just wanted to share with you my reality, which is that I don't have to trade in one love for another...I can have both.


  1. I did cry (when I read this) but with happiness and hope.

    Congratulations, wishing you health, wealth and happiness.

    May you grow old on one pillow
    Boo xx

  2. you and michael are such an inspiration to me.

    congratulations to you both!


  3. "Together we allowed grief to coexist with love, though the concept may not make sense to many other people. He didn't require me to walk away from my widowhood in order to become his wife. With the assurance that my love for Phil was safe, my love for Michael found room to grow."

    Michele, I LOVE that. You SO deserve this, and I am so happy for you I could burst. I'm sure your precious Phil is happy for you, too! Sending love, blessings and warmest congratulations to you both ♥

  4. Congratulations!!! You have given so many hope in their journey of grieve. There are rainbows on the other side and you have proven that.

  5. Hooray for you both! Congratulations Michele and Michael. How lucky to be able to experience so much love in your life.

    You are an inspiration to us all.


  6. This is exactly the way I felt.

  7. Congratulations.

    I cried the night before - because there were onions on my sandwich for dinner and I'd told the servers I was allergic and made them redo the sandwich once already and they still got it wrong - but aside from that, stress really of trying to gather children, parents and a few friends for a location wedding - I was clear-eyed and so was he.

    I balled during my first wedding and again that night after the reception. Baffled my late husband to no end and I could never explain it. Strange really.

    Remarriage is not a safe haven though. Bad things will still happen. My second husband had a heart attack over the summer. We were quite lucky in retrospect. Neither of us counts on immunity due to our past struggles but sometimes we like to forget that we know the truth about shoes - eventually someone loses one to gravity.

  8. Congratulations to you both, my friend. Thanks for your reality. :)

  9. I love this post. It lifts my spirits to read about- it gives the rest of us hope that love and grief can co-exist!You are lucky to have one another.

  10. Congrats to happy it all came together in the end! I don't know if you realise that I've remarried (to an Aussie guy)...anyway, I choked up on "as long as we both shall live" but was okay afterwards. My 8-year-old stepson made some funny comment at me crying which made me laugh and moved the moment on too--probably a lifesaver! :)

  11. i am a widow.
    and i am a wedding planner....makes me laugh, the idea!
    and i love this post because i have "married" several widows, and, because of my experience, we have cried and laughed and planned in a completely different way than those who have not had this experience. .

    your story is beautiful and you are both very lucky to have found each other. i haven't been on this site before, and now i think i have some reading to do!