This is the part no one tells you about. This is the part that many do not know. When your spouse dies, you are left with a void, a big void. Your mind constantly reminds you that he is gone, and that what lies before you is an existence that must begin without him. The only problem is, how do you do this? And, what exactly is this new existence like? For me it's about waiting.
When my husband Michael died I was not surprised. After all, the doctors told us two year prior that he would in fact die. We spoke of it often. We prepared for it legally and emotionally. When it happened I was thrown off course. All the talking and planning didn't prepare me for an existence without him. In those first few weeks I sat on my living room couch in shock. Hours went by, and there I sat. I sometimes imagined that I was sitting on a bench, waiting for a bus to come by. I would board the bus, and it would take me away, away from my new existence. I knew that it wouldn't take me to Michael, that part I understood. I just needed it to take me away from where I was, which was feeling lost.
It's been 11 months now, and still I wait. No, I don't sit on my couch all day long anymore. I do have my kids to tend to, but at night, I do sit and wait. I'm waiting for a sign that tells me which way to go. There is no bus that will be arriving, so if I want to move forward I must chart the course myself. And to be honest with myself, I have started this movement. Yet, there is still so much that I am lacking. There is still so much that lacks meaning for me. So I wait. From my bedroom window I can see the city lights. They tell me that life continues to move forward. But tonight I sit here perched in my tower of grief. Waiting.
http://daninrealtime.blogspot.com
Thank you, its been 12 months fo me, yesterday, and I feel exactly the same, the kids keep me busy during the day moving forward but still I wait...
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling well. Beautiful message Dan. The emptiness just continues for me, after almost 17 months. I think it will never go away. It's like the world goes on around me, but I can't see myself with anyone else. People say that changes as you go on, I am almost 57, but no one will ever get me like he did. I hate the bad dreams, I hate the not sleeping, I hate the checking, paying bills, the aloneness. I want my old life back. I want to be with him again. I didn't ask for this. I have a right to be angry.
ReplyDeleteDan, I feel exactly the same. I've found myself waiting since my husband died very suddenly almost 7 months ago. It is a feeling that I haven't been able to understand or even make sense of. You helped me to put some framework behind these feelings of waiting.....thank you!
ReplyDeleteDan, I am in the same place. It is nearly 4 years and although I have started moving foreward I have suddendly put on the brakes. I don't know how to retire and grow old without my husband. I don't know how to sell this house and buy another one. I don't know where to turn for help. I just want to wait until I can recharge and figure it all out. Sandy
ReplyDeleteDan, ever though I too went through the waiting for my husband to die after 3 years, even a week before the end I kept hope that something would happen to chang all of that even though we made a will discussed the funeral plans. Waiting is all we can do after this happens to us- waiting for the energy to live with the loss and the courage and vision to see we still have a future, but altered, with a lingering sadness that dulls but will never go away. Yet, I think as a result when and if love finds us- our partners will have someone who doesn't take the small things for granted and appreciates what happy moments that we get. Few people understand what those thing mean until they lose them like we have. Lori
ReplyDeleteThat is exactly how I feel. Waiting for a sign of how to go on. It has been 7 months and I don't have a clue. I know I need to do something but I am exhausted and tired. How to I do this without him. Besides that I am losing my job at the the end year and I don't have the energy to even start looking for a new one. The thought of maybe having to sell our house and move for a new job scares me. And so I sit here waiting.
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband July 26, 2009...Suddenly and unexpectedly--we woke up that sunday morning and he said he couldn't breathe, the paramedics were four blocks away they were there in less then four minutes and he was gone. Right after he died, I remember walking down the street and every car I saw had two people in it...everyone, in my eyes had someone, but me. I feel empty, alone, confused and angry, still. I want him back. I was not prepared for this, and who can really prepare for a loss this great anyway. Life goes on...I get up every morning I go through the motions but only half of me is there. He took the other half with him. I know they say we need to be complete in our own right--whoever said that hasn't lost their husband--right now I'm not complete and I would give anything for one more day with him. teresa
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