Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Judging Grief

I've frequently thought over the past years that I was doing this whole grief thing wrong. Clearly I wasn't sad enough, skinny enough, or laying in bed enough. I was also not happy enough, not moving forward quickly enough, and not dating anyone yet. Once I wasn't so wrapped up in the actual grieving that I couldn't see anything but my own shoes, it dawned on me that other people had lots of opinions about my grief process.

When will she get over it already, it's been two years? Is she dating so soon, it's only been three years? Clearly she didn't really love him if she's dating. She's still writing for that blog, isn't she over it already? She sure does work a lot, I wonder if its because she's not over it yet. She sure travels a lot. I wonder if she's saving any money? I mean, she's got to be more responsible, she's got a child to raise. I guess she might marry again, but I couldn't, I mean, I REALLY love MY husband.

It's amazing the thoughts that people express to you without realizing how clearly they are passing judgment. For a few years it drove me insane. I'd hear their thoughts and see the looks on their faces. I've even overheard conversations, or had people tell me directly their opinions about my grief and how I was handling it. I was shocked at how freely people would give me their unsolicited opinions about my life as if I was a small child who needed their guidance or approval. In grief I have found more thoughtlessness and rudeness than in any other time in my life.

I've also found more understanding, unlimited support, and love. These are the things I focus on when faced with the unintentionally rude judgments of others. I have to tell myself it is fear and insecurity that causes people to be so thoughtless and unaware. Regardless of the reason why they do what they do, I am finally in a place where it doesn't bother me. I don't focus on the implied judgments of others. I know what I've been through, and I know what I've had to endure to come out on "the other side."

Grief is an intensely personal experience. No two people experience it in exactly the same way. I have experienced it my way, and dealt with it my way. I don't need the approval of others and I'm not brought down by their disapproval either. I'm fine with me. I'm proud of myself for the way I've dealt with my situation, and I'm proud of every other widowed person I've come in contact with. We each do it our own way, and that is all we can do. Sometimes just getting out of bed is an act of heroism, and each minor accomplishment should be celebrated. So happy Tuesday! Here's to you if got out of bed today....and here's to you if you didn't!

16 comments:

  1. Great post Michelle! So true. I found myself nodding my head as I was reading. Thanks!

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  2. Michelle, I have to agree that so many people or full of opinions on how we should handle this! I am tired of it working, both ways. Sometimes, people do not get that you are grieving and you are not the one who should be making the plan to get together! I feel like if I do not make the plan to get together with people they do not do anything, since the my married friends have each other! I also tired of having to always act like I am ok so they will not feel bad or uncomfortable! This sucks! I even had a relative who has done nothing to really help me- ask for a money back that he had given to my sick husband as a gift, then write saying maybe I did not know that he had "loan" it to my husband when he was first diagnoised! Man, I was pissed beyond belief. How dear he impy that my husband kept secrets from me! We shared everything! I know this was a gift at the time- I say the check and the letter! I sent it because this relative had been good to my husband when he was younger and he really was in trouble of losing his house!
    My husband and I had been there at one time and a close friend helped bail us out! So, I did end up paying it foward, but I was still mad about some of this so I sent just the check with no note! But, God damn-it! where is my hero , my savior! I am the one who needs help other than money- thank God for that!

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  3. Good post! People make idiotic remarks and then wonder why we isolate ourselves from them. I've tried to handle it by understanding they have never walked our walk, so they are clueless. However, I can't take the "poor you" looks I get. You know, the one when you walk into a room and people stare at you sympathetically and their faces fall. And then they say,"how are youuuuuuuuuuu...." LOL! You never hear from them nor do they offer anything. All of this behavior adds to the anger, because one feels as though no one understands what one is going through. As if we don't feel vulnerable enough! Hang in there to all who read this, I'm trying like hell!

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  4. Nothing brings out pompous judgment like early death.
    My best guess is that people make judgments so they can feel they are safe from devastation, because first of all, they would never make those choices that led to death and widowhood, and if it happened, they would never deal with it so poorly. Tada - SAFE!

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  5. Amen to the blog and all the responses. Let those who cast judgement on us widows walk in our shoes for even a day, they will quietly exit and never say another foolish word. the first anniversary of my husband's death is two weeks away and I feel pressure to organize something so I won't spend the day alone with the kids. Can't anyone step up to the plate on this one?????? Yes, I'm tired of putting on a good front so others won't feel uncomfortable or judge me unnecessarily.

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  6. I have been widowed for the past 2 years...my children are adults and my grandchildren 5 of them are the light of my life..judgement I get is not just from strangers, but also close friends and family...my husband passed without warning..and without any life insurance...staring over in a job market in this economy at my age is no easy task...judgement I hear is about my late husband..." why would he not take care of this"?..how can he have loved yu if he never even thought of this?..go on with your life and let the past be thepast...no wonder I just dont have contact with these ppl anymore..i am tired..don't they know that these thoughts are not important to me ..what I need as a person..as a widow is for someone to not change the subject everytime I want to talk about some memory...don't force me to go to Party when clearly I do nto have the money to do so nor the desire...I am so tired of ppl who wish away my tears for their own comfort...

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  7. Well said!! I am so sick of people judging me and living in a small town just makes it worse. I am doing what is right for me and until those people have walked in my shoes they have no right to judge. And yes, I got out of bed today....GO ME!!!

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  8. Thank you, Thank you... I needed to read this today so badly and somehow this site leads me to the right words often. I am 2-1/2 years into this journey and am amazed at the rudeness...suprised at the support from who were strangers and shocked at the response of those I thought were friends/family but I also am proud of what I have done and accomplished, none of which has changed the love I shared.

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  9. Thank you for the posts. It is amazing what people think they are doing when giving "advice" - it is NOT support or loving, to tell someone how to feel, what they SHOULD be doing, or to imply what they ARE doing is WRONG! Today is the four month anniversary of my husbands death.
    I am grateful to be able to get out of bed, the sun is shining and I want to live. I have so many days where the darkness is all encompassing - I am not going to feel guilty for wanting the light. For having a day where I just can't cry because part of me so badly wants to feel that lightness again. I know the grief is waiting - will find the moment where I am once again swallowed up, but for today, I want to be okay.
    If anything this journey has taught me is that our judgment about others is perhaps the cruelest thing we can do to another.
    Now, I surround myself with people who love and accept me. A good friend said to me "anyone who judges you can't know you or know how much you loved him". I tell myself that - when I see that look on their face that implies I am doing it wrong.
    Peace

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  10. Thank you for this post, which came at the perfect time for me. Yesterday I got a dose of some pretty harsh, callous judgment and I let it knock me down, sink me back into the pit of depression. Today I'm reminding myself of my favorite Dr. Seuss quote: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

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  11. This is something we all need to be reminded of. Thank you,

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  12. perfectly said,as I read this in my bed.thank you!!!!!

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  13. I happened upon your blog this evening after typing into google "judgement about grief". I wish I was in a place where other people's opinions about my grief didn't hurt and frustrate me. Thanks for writing.

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  14. Oh my goodness!!!!! This is so true.... Thank you for writing this.... So helpful to know others are having the same issue.... One great big hug to all of you!!!!

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