Wednesday, March 2, 2011

This Time ....

.... I chose it.
Yep, this time I chose grief.
Although, in my defense ..... I really didn't know I'd be experiencing grief.
I thought it might be more cut and dried ..... but considering the amount of tears I've shed since Friday, it's anything but dried.

I ended our relationship.
We ended our relationship.
I instigated the "talk", but it was mutual.

I love him.
In fact, I now realize that I love him more than I thought I did.
He loves me.
I don't know what he's realized.
I only know that it's over.
It didn't work.
We just weren't right for each other.

I found out that I can love someone, but not be meant for him.
Or he for me.

I am sad.
I am beyond sad, though I've done much better these past two days.
And yes, I chose this.

Who knew?
Definitely not me.
Well, I didn't really, REALLY know that it would end, but if I'm honest (and you guys know that I always try to be truly honest with you) I'd have to say that I've been .... "questioning" the relationship for several months now.
I've innately known that something wasn't quite right.
But .... and here's the problem ..... I have only loved one other man.  In my whole life. Really.
Three guesses as to who that man was .... and the first two guesses don't count.

So I've considered myself "inexperienced".  And thus, I questioned my feelings.  And my thoughts.  And my intuition.
I questioned my innateness.

I thought that maybe, at this age and stage of life, I had to settle for companionship and not expect to feel crazy in love with someone.
Or expect someone to be crazy in love with me.
Thankfully, I now know that there's no way in hell I'm going to settle.
I'd rather be single for the rest of my life, than to wish that someone loved me the way I want to be loved.
I've had that love.
And I'm good with how much that love filled me.

So yay for me.
And yay for the experience of this relationship.
We both learned something.
We learned that we can love again.
And that we can be loved again.
And that, my friends, is a true gift that I feel God blessed us with.

I'm thankful for him and for the gifts he gave me.
I'm thankful for the love he gave me.
And the knowledge that I'm capable of love.
And the knowledge that it's OK for me to want to be loved the way I need to be loved.

I'm most thankful for his friendship.
We are still friends.
I hope that we will always be very good friends.
I want the best for him.
Whoever she is.

So ..... I chose this.
I chose grief.
I chose to not settle.
I chose crazy love .... or no love.

I chose to believe everything that Jim, and God, taught me.
I am special.
I am worthwhile.
I am deserving of love.  Lots and lots of love.
I am a woman who can love deeply, strongly and crazily.
I am blessed with an amazing group of family and friends who love me.
Very much.

Yes .... this time .... I chose.

I chose me.


  1. Often we choose people when we are vunerable, and then we grow. I am currently starting to think about dating. I am fearful of being exactly where you are right now. But I know if I do not try I will never have what I really want. You are right, it helped you to realize you could love and be loved again, even if it did not end the way you had hoped- it could have went the other way.

  2. Beautiful post. So glad you are in tune to what you want and deserve from a partner. That's so difficult! I'm happy you chose you!

  3. Janine, I'm so sorry, but I'm so happy for you at the same time. You DO deserve to be crazy in love and have someone head over heels for you, too! This is a huge, difficult lesson (why oh why do we need anymore freaking lessons, anyway??) but a very valuable one indeed. Thank you so much for sharing with us. XOXO

  4. I understand completely where you're coming from, Janine. I felt the same when I dated my friend about 18 months after Charley died. We had a good time together and I know he's a great guy, and for several months it was a wonderful, happy distraction and break from my real life. But once real life had to start creeping back in--and how long can any widow 18 months out really hold "real life" (and grief) at bay?--I started to question the relationship. He was a great guy…but I wasn't in love with him the way I knew I wanted to be, and the way I had been with Charley and Charley with me. And it was really hard to end the relationship and choose to be alone--and grieving--again.

    We didn't see each other for almost a year and only had light email contact in that time, but eventually we started hanging out again and, best of all, his new girlfriend (now wife) adored me and Anna. So I got to maintain my friendship with him--one that was even closer than it had been previously--and I got another great new friend out of his wife. It was truly a gift: their friendship, our dating relationship, and finding out I could love and be loved again.

    Thanks for sharing this post. I hope it helps a lot of other widows in the same place to realize that they don't need to settle too.

    Hugs, my friend.

  5. Oh Janine - we are in the same place - this post just resonates and rips at me. I began the conversation with my guy too and it looks like it is going to be over soon. And you know, as much as I have shed tears since Sunday - I am OK with it too. You said it perfectly - I don't have to settle, I get to be loved the way I want and need to be loved.

    Like you, this is the first real relationship I have had since Tom died - I stand with you sister, crazy love or no love.

    Thank you for putting into words all that I have been struggling with and feeling this week. Sending you love, light and many hugs across the miles between. xoxoxox

  6. You are writing exactly the way I feel. I don't want to settle for just a physical relationship or something that doesn't last. Better to have the special memories with my husband than have bad memories with someone that would just use me.

  7. Crazy love for sure! I, like Suzann have been struggling with this for about the last 3-4 days. Like You both this has been my first attempt in 14 mos. Started out like the 4th of July. The excitement when the phone would ring or when we saw each other.The funny feelings in my tummy like I was in H.S. He was so attentive,telling me all the good stuff that I didn't realize that I really missed.He made me feel alive again and for that alone I am so thankful. Now I feel like the sparkler is burning out and I'm at that cross road. Life's too short as we all know, so why should we settle? We shouldn't and I will not!! I'm in,I want Crazy Love or No Love!Thank You so much for sharing,Sending Big Bear Hugs to You all!!

  8. Hi Janine. My first thought was to tell how sorry I am that you are going through this, but then I realized that's not the point here. Us guys are a little slow at times. You know, before I met my husband Michael, I had come to accept that I would never fall in love. I had been single most of my adult life. Then I realized that no, I won't give up. I wanted love and passion, with all the ups and downs. I wanted to feel alive, and feeling alive also meant feeling pain. Well, I got both. Extreme love, and extreme pain. I'm glad that you ventured out and found love. I'm glad that you came to this realization about what you truly want and deserve. I sometimes think that others around me worry about me possibly finding love again, only to lose it once again. I too know that it is a real possibility, yet I will chose it just like you.

    Thanks for your ability to share such intimate, and heartfelt, words with us.


  9. Wow, this post couldn't have been more timely for me. Just this evening in my therapy session I was saying that I hope I'll be strong enough to walk away from any relationship that isn't right, that I won't settle for less than I need and deserve. I'm proud of you for making a hard choice, but a choice for YOU.

  10. Yeah for you. It's hard being strong everyday and it doesn't take away tears, but yeah for you - you are worth so much more.