I did it. I survived, and sometimes even thrived, Christmas day.
It is now Christmas night, and I sit here in my parents dining room on my laptop writing this blog.
I am staying with them for 10 days over the holiday, in Massachusetts, away from my usual NYC apartment and life.
I love being here. I love my family. However ...
and there is ALWAYS a "however" with grief ....
sometimes it hurts being around my family. It hurts a lot.
It hurt my heart this morning when I woke up to Christmas, and for the first time in the 3 and a half years since my husband died, I participated in our annual family Christmas morning tradition of scratch-off tickets, fried dough, hot chocolates, and opening stocking gifts at the breakfst table. It hurt because the only people around the table were me, my mom, and my dad. My brother and his family were at their own house, and we would see them later in the day. Some of the family that used to spend this time with us, are either distant, unavailable, or no longer with us. Things change. Life alters. Time sucks. I thought about my Nana, who died 6 years ago, who used to love Christmas just as much as I used to love Christmas. She loved scratching the lottery tickets in the morning, and she couldnt wait to break open each gift. I thought about my husband, and his childlike innocence on Christmas mornings with my family. He never had much of a family himself - dysfunctional and distant. When he met me, he gained a family, and he always loved and deeply appreciated everything that came along with that. So, this morning, my heart was beating out of my chest and I felt anxious and on the verge of crying as I opened the presents from my parents, drank hot chocolate, and tried to stop staring into the void where all the empty chairs at the table were. Time sucks. Holidays magnify the loss and pain of anyone going through something difficult, something awful.
But I did it. I got through it. We went to my brothers house and for the first time in years, I went Christmas shopping for my nieces and nephews again, and I enjoyed doing it. Watching them rip open their gifts and play with them, and seeing their excited faces and watching my niece try on all her new Disney princess outfits - it made me happy and it made my heart cry with pain. I cannot look at them without immediately thinking that it's been 3 years, and if Don had lived instead of died, where would we be today? Would we also have kids by now? Would our children be around the same ages as my brothers kids? Would they play together? What would my life look like right now? My husband would have his dream of being a dad, and I would get to be a mom, instead of the crazy Auntie Kelley who comes in from NYC now and then and makes them laugh by acting silly. It's not fair. It will never be fair. It hurts, and it hurts a lot more on the holidays.
Everyone is gathered at the holidays. Large groups of people , relatives, friends, people you maybe only see once a year in some cases - and all the people are talking about and comparing what has gone in for them within the last year of life. So and so is graduating college and this one is having their second baby, and let's all look at the happy couple in this corner who just an engagement ring and a proposal for Christmas. The older ones have proud stories about their grandkids, the ones who are married are continuing to build their families and jobs and buying houses and taking vacations and such, while the younger ones are just beginning their futures together. Being a widow at Christmas is like being stuck inside of a giant snowglobe, and it won't stop shaking. Please, somebody - make it stop shaking. Please stop telling me about your lives and accomplishments and additions to your families - the families and the lives and the dreams that I will never get to have. The dreams and the future and the present that was stolen from me, for no reason at all.
If the people you're stuck inside the snowglobe with don't ask about your life and what you have been up to, you feel offended and ignored and unacknowledged. If they do ask, most of the time , you feel uncomfortable telling them about your life and what you have been up to, because they just wouldnt get it. They wouldnt understand. How could they? How could they possibly grasp my response of: "Well after 2 years in weekly grief-therapy, I am finally able to go to the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree where Don proposed, and not have a panic attack. Im still working on my feelings of guilt of being asleep while my husband was collapsing on a Petsmart floor and dying. Im working on some new death jokes for my Camp Widow presentation, and Im hoping my book about loss and grief is able to help people and also help me too." Very few people can hear information like this and not feel totally awkward or run away or change the subject. Very few people can understand a world that they have never been part of. They just stare at you, confused, as they continue to live their lives. Meanwhile, they do not comprehend that you are sitting inside of this snowglobe - at the very beginnings of creating your next life. They dont know how exhausting or daunting or frightening or confusing that is for us - to create another life, when we dont want to. When we have no choice. When nobody asked us our opinion on the subject.
So you sit inside the snowglobe of the holidays, until it's time to escape. And today, and last night, and all of this week leading up to the day - I did it. I made it. I got through it. I smiled and I laughed and it was a real, actual smile and laugh. I felt real joy. There was happiness. But I worked and fought and crawled for that happiness, and the pain sat beside it the whole time too. It never goes away, really. Im just learning how to manage it and manipulate it and sit with it. I know how to remain inside the massive storm, instead of denying it or trying to get out. There is no out. Only through. And I did it. I did it. They never stopped shaking that globe - and I never stopped feeling dizzy - but I'm here, I'm alive, and I did it.
Kelley, that sums up my experience so well! I observe myself bouncing around inside this snow globe Christmas day with the crowd. I witness the arcs of their storylines. And part of the arc of my storyline - the death part - the imposed one - is magnified. But they don't see it. They see the rest of the arc - what I am, what I've made of myself between these touchstone visits. I marvel that they not see what is so utterly magnified for me - this glaring absence.
ReplyDeleteThis is the tenth year without my husband. Christmas morning, in private, I shared this pain I feel, I still feel at Christmastime. It helped so much, to have my pain around his absence noted. She reminded me about the rest of my storyline, the one I've created in ten years, the one people see, enjoy, even admire. She helped me see that my part in the snow globe is pretty wondrous. So is your part. I know it's not wanted you wanted, that time can suck sometimes. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for telling here so succinctly how I feel. God bless you.
Kelley, as always, you did an incredible job of expressing how yesterday and the holidays felt like yet again. It's been 3-1/2 years since my husband died suddenly. I felt all the emotions you described. I, too, put on a happy face, smiled, all the while my heart felt as though I was being stabbed. Each breath took an effort to take. Last night, I dreamed of my husband and I still can't comprehend that he's dead, gone from my life, never to hold me again, never to make love to me again, never to cherish me, never to smile at me with that twinkle in his eyes. The pain of my loss will never leave me until we're together again. Please God, let me be with him again. Karen G
ReplyDeleteAs you get father out on the widow path, it helps to focus out BEYOND the snowglobe. Welcome the conversation about others and their lives and their children. It's painful to focus on yourself during the holidays, so just for a few days, focus on others. It takes concentration and it's not easy. But it helps with the upended feeling and goes a long way toward more satisfying times with family.
ReplyDeleteHi Kelley, your post just resonated with me. This was also my third Christmas without my husband, and Christmas Eve with his family was a smaller, quieter affair without him and his mother, and adults who were elsewhere. We did our best, working through it, but the holidays are especially tough. Thank you for putting into words what I'm sure so many of us felt this holiday season.
ReplyDeleteHi Kelley. Thanks for your post. I also lost my husband suddenly 10 months ago. He collapsed and died on an airport 1000kms away. It feels like it happened yesterday. He was my life, my love and my soulmate. People all say I am strong but they don't know inside I am dead. It feels like I am on auto pilot. Just going through the motions even though I just want to climb into a dark hole and just want to be left alone.
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