I'm not a Christian. I believe in a Higher Power that was forged in AA but everything I ever believed in went up in flames the night Chuck died and since that time, any belief I have is intellectual more than something felt. My brain seems to know so much that does me no good at all because I can't connect to it emotionally. Emotionally, all I feel is the pain of grief or numbness. The missing-ness. If Chuck were here, he'd tell me to get out of my head. I don't know what action to take to implement that, is the thing. How to get out of my head...
So, I'm searching. My plan is to go out to the desert some night and gaze up at the dark skies and marvel at the stars and the moon and contemplate the hugeness of the Universe. I'm stockpiling poetry about those things. Somewhere in me, when I read of the stars and the moon and mysteries of the Universe, a little ping goes off and a place I can't yet connect to, recognizes their beauty and possibility of the pain easing through them. I want to read about parallel universes and Einstein and his theories. Poetry and science, I think, are the path for me. I hope.
I read this earlier today. "rather than make resolutions for grief, every morning and every evening we pray (by chanting, our form of prayer), for the happiness or repose of all the deceased. We believe that if we continue our growth and pursuit of happiness, our deceased family and friends will continue to become happy as well". This was from http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/64-new-years-resolutions-for-grievers/ and it appeals to me.
I don't have any answers, for myself or anyone else. We're all searching. For a sense of peace. For an end to the pain. For the Love that remains to truly be stronger than the grief. Searching. And that's not a bad thing, at least for me. Asking questions, searching...that's what can lead to answers and even more questions and, more answers.
Oh, my dearest love, as we enter this new year, another new year without you, my heart reaches out to you, wherever you are, hoping you are somewhere. Do you feel me missing you?
I will love you always~
Beautifully written, I hope you have a peaceful New Year.
ReplyDeleteThere's something about gazing into the night sky that brings me closer to my love, too.The emptiness, the vastness, the that's-where-I wanna-be, the wanting to leave this world and pain of loss behind, the uncertainty of it all. I have no answers either, still struggling to find my way, still not believing this is my life. Hope the night sky brings us all a bit of peace.
ReplyDeleteI lost the love of my life in 2014.... I cannot imagine saying Happy New Year!!! just hoping it is a year I can get some normalcy in my life... After eight months I thought I would be feeling up to par.... no way!!
ReplyDeleteI'm doing the same thing Allison... looking to spiritual things... a supreme power... where are you my love?? are you walking with me or are you in a deep sleep??? these are the questions asked when you lose your soulmate.. Thank you for your post Allison...
Beautiful and deeply felt.
ReplyDeleteAllison,
ReplyDeleteI wrote something on your last entry and somehow it disppeared into the ether. Since I didn’t make a copy it was gone. But this newest post has hit a nerve too that just brings me to my knees and makes me cry.
There are some people who hit the rawness of the pain and you do Allison. Like you I have been searching for the answers. I spent a lifetime while my husband was alive practicing how I could be more enlightened. Yoga everyday, eating healthy, helping the homeless, trying to educate, recycling, etc. Without living on a commune I lived my old hippie mantra but in the middle of the middlest class. No children (How could I bring them into the world I forsaw), no religion ( I believe in the immutable laws of nature) and just a voracious desire to live life with my husband and experience what love would bring to me through the love he expressed for me through his eyes.
On the day he died I began my quest to find the answer I now needed to continue to live the life I remembered. I have said to others “grief didn’t make me stupid” it just removed any reason why I should want to do……something, anything. The first paragraph that you wrote resonated with me like an earthquake.. “my heart's eye, is searching for something that will ring a bell of recognition within me. Something that will make my heart say oh, that's what I've known all along and didn't remember I knew! That something that will ease some of the devastating ache of my soul and heart and body. That something that will bring light back into my life, that will help me not only believe but help me know that Chuck is still with me. That he is around me in ways that are in no way as he was but in a way that may, that will, help me feel less alone and less without him.”
Anything that will make me feel he is watching over me. Any sign, signal that I can’t write off to coincidence. So I began with science. For almost two years since his death I have studied physics. Never had an interest before but needed an answer. Thus when you mentioned science as being a path I had another reveal that said I am looking for the same thing others are looking for. The answer. Knowing full well I won’t get it but at least I am trying to understand what is that something he took with him when he died that was so much a part of me. Is there a way to reunite with any little part of that, here and now or in another dimension? I need it and I KNOW there must be something about consciousness that has had us travel so closely with that feeling of love here in this reality with our husbands. It must exist elsewhere. There is an answer but the universe is so large and science is so small. But I keep studying it to try and understand it nonetheless. I have to. It’s my only respite.
I have quit everything else pretty much. I do not want to lengthen my life anymore so no more yoga, etc. I have pulled in and pulled back. At 62 I am ony doing what I have to do to pay the bills. It’s so very sad that love brings some people to a place like this. My husband would probably tell me the same thing about getting out of my head. He was good like that. Kept me grounded. I needed that.
I wish for you the peace of mind that gives you some comfort in the search for your answers. If I happen to stumble upon it myself I’ll be sure to let you know where I found it.
I, too, feel very much the same...6yrs grieving now...
DeleteFor the most part of it...I had one desire---to be with my love of 33yrs..,
Yes, you are right...it is sad that for some, love and the loss of it causes only pain and a withdrawal from LIFE...
That is sp sad...that the beautiful love shared only caused pain and negative results...My new hope and prayer for this New Year is to live the love I had, the love he gave to me and lives within me...
You are still so young...at 69 so am I...
My prayer for you in this New Year is that you, all of us brokenhearted in grief, CHOOSE LIFE, JOY, LOVE.
LET US HONOR OUR LOVE.
I, too, carry this pain...we are healing...everything we feel, do, think...helps to heal our wounded and broken hearts....SOMEDAY, maybe, we will understand and it will be better...when we are in their arms again...
ReplyDeleteMay this New Year bring you peaceful healing and all the things you need.
Love you, Graee😌
I'm Linda Wyatt, and you have touched my heart with your travels & your search for peace. Speaking as a 14 year widow, the grieving will never go away. I'm not going to tell you that it gets easier, because some days it's like a kick in the stomach. BUT - you will get stronger; you will learn an enormous amount about yourself (why don't we do it before tragedy strikes?); you will feel unbalanced, insecure, lost, so terribly alone - and you will be able to come out the other side as a functioning woman. Not ever the same woman, though. No one's journey is the same; we can't even compare notes. I hope you continue with your personal therapy - travel, blog, counseling, prayer, whatever - and know that you are loved.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you ~
ReplyDelete