My mind whirls with thoughts of my husband's final days, his death, leaving southern California in my rear view mirror, driving away from him, being out on the road without him...the memories, and the pain that go with those memories, are strong and vivid and color the moments that have brought me to this time, 20 months later.
In numerous conversations even before his last cancer, he told me many times that he wanted me to find another man to love, and be loved by, someday. I agreed, though I expressed doubts of ever finding any other man who could measure up to my now high standards.
The confusing part?
My marriage to Chuck was a passionate one. We not only made love, we had wild and crazy sex through the years. Neither of us was afraid to experiment and he was an exquisite lover. When we weren't doing that, we touched. Holding hands. Kissing. Hugging. Dancing. Our eyes sought each other out when we were in a room together. I was accustomed to his touch, frequently, as he was accustomed to mine.
So, how does a woman go from that to...nothing? And I'm sorry to tell you, but all the massages in the world don't replace that. And here's what confusing to me; I crave touch. I crave sex again and the closeness that comes from being with him. And I want that again. Desperately at times. And I know I could go out and find it with some man. Which makes me vulnerable to not only myself because of that craving, but vulnerable to men. Is it an old wives tale that men are on the lookout for widows because they figure on this very need being present, and they prey upon it? I don't know but I feel like it would be so easy to take anything that's offered. Except that it wouldn't, not really.
It wouldn't be Chuck and he's the one I want. But having sex, and having that touch, would be a great distraction, I think, on the one hand. But maybe not, on the other hand.
I have no fucking clue. There wouldn't be a sense of disloyalty to Chuck, but I suspect there would be a bone-deep wanting-ness because it isn't him and never can be again but this is what is now and I need something and tears along with relief and every other possible emotion.
You see? It's your classic (to use my favorite military term)...clusterfuck.
Alison, my husband was the love of my life. We knew every inch of each others body. I was married for 26 years to my first husband and we had sex. I came to realize, after meeting my second husband, that there is sex and there is making love. After experiencing being so in love with my second husband, I can't and won't settle for just sex. Making love is when you care more about your husband's pleasure than your own. My husband set the bar so high I doubt that I will ever make love to a man again. Sex is sex; making love is a whole different world.
ReplyDeleteI have been struggling with this recently. I miss the intimate touches and the knowing each other so well. I've gotten interesting feedback from others on sex after being widowed, including from my therapist who simply says go for it - find a sexual relationship that is only that for you. It is not, however, making love with my husband.
ReplyDeleteIt will never feel the same. It didn't for me when I tried. I openly cried the day after while being thankful I didn't work that day. While I thought we were making love, he was all about the sex. Anon is right, there is a major difference. I'm learning to put that part of my past behind me and move on in the following year. Take care, think of you often. Monique
ReplyDeleteClusterfuck is the tern I use frequently to describe what is since my husband died.
ReplyDeleteCouldn't have said any of it any better myself, it's as if I wrote this! Though when I am missing that aspect of my life I lift my eyes up and out of the dark and when they see a face other than my husbands I get sick to my stomach. Then I get scared to death. Scared that I will never ever know the feeling of a man again. The whole thing makes me sick. UGH...I'm so screwed.
ReplyDeleteOh Alison, you are so right! I've seen men prey on widows because they figure they are "needy" but there truly is a difference between sex and making love. One can relieve the "pressure" with toys and/or one night stands but there's no substitute for real love. I know I want to experience real love again but it's so frustrating not to have it now. It's frustrating even having to find love again because you don't want to take the chance on running into creeps.
ReplyDeleteHopefully, we can all find new loves to help us move forward in life but it would certainly be easier if this was all just a bad dream and we could have our persons back.
Alison, as a widowed man I would like to give my perspective: I lost my wife 1.5 years ago. For a few months the thought of another woman sickened me then after about 4 or so months , in a two week period I slept with a couple of women. It was disgusting but I needed the touch of another woman; to see another woman lying in bed next to me. I then decided to not sleep around but be with just one. Im still with her; I dont love her the way I did my wife but I care for her deeply. AND on the flip side the sex is great as I know that I have to give my all and I have 'no shame' hence no inhibitions :-). And to Anon who wrote at4.41; widowers are also preyed upon so I have to be careful too
ReplyDeleteAs someone who too knows the difference from having sex and making love I could have never imagined being with someone different than my late husband. As time passed, I knew I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't want to be with just anyone either. I was afraid that I would fall apart and probably cry if I gave that part of myself to someone new. After 3 1/2 years I met someone, and as our relationship grew going to the next level was normal, as it had been before with my husband. I believe it happened so naturally becuase, (1) I gave myself the necessary time needed to be able to move forward and (2) I didn't just choose anyone, they had to be special and worthy of me and my love. I'm still with that special someone and in a loving and passionate relationship. I still miss my husband, but am so grateful that if I had to experience this pain, my someone new is with me and I can experience love again. It's a different kind of love, but that's okay because I am different for sure. And being in this grief journey with a new someone is a different experience of it own. I have found my love and grief for my husband does not go away and I'm okay with that, its how it should be.
ReplyDeleteYeah. Going from 90 mph to 0 in one split second is truly shocking to the body. To have a wonderful passionate sex life for 27 years and then to have it come to a screeching halt is confusing. I go from being incredibly horny and wanting to just find "anybody" to not being able to imagine anyone as good as we were together. Ugh. Thanks for writing so honestly and openly.
ReplyDeleteOMG .... I thought I was the only one to have these emotions and thoughts. After 40 years, I am alone and miss the touch, the knowing looks, the warmth of a caress. I miss having someone to speak with that was a witness to my life and shared my life and I miss making love. How lucky I was to have all that. Its been a rough 9 months.
ReplyDeleteWidow's Voice has moved to the new Soaring Spirits web site. You'll find Allison writing there on Wednesdays. http://www.soaringspirits.org/blog
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