Go

I wrote this piece on Tuesday evening, after a very profound phone session with my grief-therapist, in which we talked about a horrible dream I had awhile back , where Don was still alive - and told me he wanted a divorce, and that he didn't love me, and that he had never loved me. I honestly had no idea what that dream meant, or why I would dream that he was being so cruel to me, when I know 100% that he would NEVER be that way with me in real life. Never, never, never. My therapist is so smart, and she cleared this up for me pretty quickly. She said, among many other things:

"This is actually a really good dream. I know it didnt feel that way, but I believe this was a dream about all the massive changes in your life right now, and it's about what we have talked about before - the continuing bonds that you have with Don. You are in a place right now in your life where you are finally starting to take the reigns again. You are in control, and Don is with you and beside you, as he always will be, but you are no longer letting his memory or spirit dictate how you live or do things - you are stepping out on your own and it's incredibly scary. But those continuing bonds never die. This is where you get to have that special, new, profound relationship with your husband, because I think you're ready. It's never been about letting him go. It's about figuring out where he fits in your life - now - and experiencing your love in a different way. Its very profound, and not everyone gets here. I think the dream is one about changes and leaving something behind. It's not a divorce from marriage. It's a seperation from the relationship you used to have with one another, and learning to figure out what this new one will be. Your relationship with him in death, is very different. And I think you are coming to terms with this, right this very minute. "

When I got off the phone, I ran to my computer, and started furiously typing up this piece/poem. The words just sort of fell out of me, as if my husband was talking to me. That is what this piece is - it's Don, and also my own inner-voice, telling me the things that I need to hear right now in order to keep healing and go forward. All I can tell you is that everything about writing this piece felt so profound to me. I cried and cried the entire time I was typing it. It wasn't a painful cry, but the kind where you feel that something has shifted and changed in that very second. Those of you who follow me and my writing either here or on my personal blog (ripthelifeiknew.com) might know that I've been writing a book about our story and my grief story for the past couple years. This piece feels like the perfect full-circle ending to my book. Things are shifting. This will never be easy, but the only way I can explain it is to say that I feel different. I feel like I have just made a discovery that will help me learn to live with this loss. I hope this piece resonates with you, and brings you hope ....

Go
Step into your life
the one that waits for you
the one that knows
of the promises you made long ago,
to dream
to risk
to dare …

Step into the moment,
to become that thing
the thing that you were meant to become
the thing that you always were,
somewhere deep within,
but lost along the way.
Be that thing now …
Right now.

Go
Walk beside your vision
crawl there if you must
breathe through the fire that burns you,
the swords that stab you,
the fears that stop you,
time and time again.
Each time you fall, or each time that needle
travels through your heart
and into your open wounds,
stare it down.
push it into the cold bricks.
Look it in the eyes and tell it,
“You are nothing,
for I have been through worse.”

Go.
Run into that spotlight
stand upon your mark
claim the very universe,
that is yours in which to play.
Seize the absolute second,
In which the world receives your talents,
that I have always seen.
Go.

Are you afraid?
I know you are afraid.
Please, my Sweet Angel,
Don’t be afraid.
For you have loved me better,
And with more wholeness,
to last ten thousand billion moons.
And even though I can no longer
sit beside you,
I am still beside you.
In heart.
In spirit.
In soul.
And every time you take your life,
and you create it,
and you build it,
and you fill it up with wonder,
you embody
the very thing
that is Love.

You loved me better,
Than I have ever been loved or felt love,
before.
You filled my life with everything,
In the short time I was here.
And now that I am living
On a star,
Or in a sunrise ...

I want you to know,
that when you go,
when you go off to collect your dreams,
when you leap forward to grab that Bliss,
when you dance wildly across the finish line,
Do not be afraid.
Because in that moment when you have reached
The brightest star
and called it your new home,
you will not have traveled away from me.
You will not be leaving me behind.
No.

When you reach that star,
And you sit along it’s corner,
Listen.
Just listen.
There will be a breath of air,
and a hint of music,
a melody
hidden just for you,
Within the measures of the silence.

Listen.
That is me,
 us,
 Love,
Our Love,
Living and laughing and singing
Deep within
The night sky.
And you will always feel that love
and be aware of that love
every single time
you decide
to live.

So go,
Sweet Angel.
Go and step into your life,
And I will meet you,
Inside
our special place
I will meet you,
In the rhythms of the music.
Hurry up, my love.
It's your time now.
Step into your life.
I love you.
Now go ...