Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Post-death and Grief~

Our culture, I think, is filled with contradictions.  In general and most certainly when it comes to grief.  Here's a few I've encountered.

People love a good love story.  The public especially seems to admire and go awww when a couple long married, die within hours of each other, unable, even unconsciously, to face life without one another.

When we're widowed, and speak of not wishing to go on without our loved one, there is an immediate rush of but you must he/she would want you to be happy, you have to live for both of you now you can't give up it isn't healthy to think that way!

Possible medication suggestions may follow.  I guess the aww's only exist for elderly couples.

We are encouraged to have strong marriages, to live our vows, to honor one another.  So we do that, and do it well, and we build strong and loving partnerships over the years, dividing our lives up with tasks we're each best suited to, as is natural, learning healthy dependence on one another (Chuck and I called it interdependence), striving to be the it person for each other.  And then one dies and the one left behind feels overwhelmed and uncertain and lost and dislocated and, especially I think, as women, there is an unspoken criticism of you need to be your own person you were too dependent you need to stand on your own.

I wonder if men who are widowed feel the same pressure, culturally speaking, as women do.  There are many common pressures but I wonder if there is also that sense of judgement of self and from society at large.  Not doing it right.  Do more.  Do less.  Wait.  Go faster.  Stop.  Go.  Unspoken pressures but there, subtly (and sometimes not so subtly).

I've always been a very strong woman and I felt strong and independent in my marriage.  But I've got to tell you-since Chuck's death, I feel like a piece of cooked spaghetti.  Wobbly and floppy, unable to gain my footing.  Like I can't breathe without him.  Like I don't want to breathe without him.  I hate my life without him and, honestly, have no real interest in creating a life without him.  Of course, I must do that because I'm still here, but my mom used to say this in various situations My lack of enthusiasm is exceeded only by my lack of interest.

Sometimes it seems that we're supposed to love just enough, but not so much that our lives crumble when that person we love dies.  Enough so that our lives are fulfilled but not so much that we are left stunned and shocked when that person is poof! gone.  Enough so that we feel loved but not so much that it kills our soul in the aftermath of death.

It's a strange computation, isn't it?  At this point, coming up on two years since the man I loved more than life itself died, I don't care how others think of my grief, one way or another.  In many ways I've become an observer of reactions to grief and it leaves me wondering at this world we live in, that there can be so much judgement and critique and lack of empathy.

All I know is that I loved my husband.  I miss him with every heart beat.  His absence in my life hums and pulses through my body on a daily basis and I don't know that that will ever change to any great degree.  Not for any other reason than I loved him for 24 years and will always love him and he died and will always be dead now and I'll always miss him.

With every beat of my heart.





21 comments:

  1. I do believe it's harder for men than women. Men in marriage do more on the women's side as family and doing things. Men don't have as many friends. Being widowed, there are many more women groups, and women get together much more.

    I lost my wife, that isn't going to change. Miss her every day, doing things by myself is very hard. Now it is being so much alone to contend with, to live it every day. Getting out has always that push to do, but not the same, or does it replace what was lost.

    Age, family, how active was your marriage, friends, etc, that takes on how each of us dealing losing a spouse. There is no easy way, or time limit.

    Take Care..

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    1. I agree about the social aspects, and that, after the ones we love die, there are more support groups geared towards women. I remember when I used to facilitate bereavement support groups, it was difficult to draw men into it and learning that it came down to (generalization here) of how men and women process things in their brains. Men tend to talk more in a setting where there is an activity, women tend more to gather in groups where talking IS the activity.

      It is all so very difficult, isn't it? The alone-ness and finding the energy to get out on our own.

      Thanks for taking the time to read my meanderings~

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  2. Alison so true your words. It is 26 months since Jon died and the only thing I am certain of is that I wish I had died with him. Peace and hugs Shell

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    1. Shell,
      I feel that way so much, too, and am so shocked that I haven't died of a broken heart. I hardly know what to do in reaction to not dying...

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  3. My husband and I were together for 16 years and retired together for 10 years before he died suddenly of a heart attack. I went to bed a wife who adored her husband and woke up at 3:11 a.m. a widow. The shock of that night will forever be part of me. In June, it will be four years since he died. I can close my eyes and replay trying to save him and failing. I can see the police and paramedics in my home and me in my nightgown and them taking my husband out of the house. I vividly remember walking into the hospital emergency room to silence. I still feel the trauma, terror, and feeling of utter hopelessness when I realized he was gone. No one in my family nor any of our "long-gone" friends understand. My husband who was everything to me died and our life together died in the blink of an eye. When I discuss that night, I'm asked how long has it been since your husband died. I know they're expecting some short period of time because I'm obviously still grieving. When I say, 3-1/2 years ago, they look at me as if I have a serious problem dealing with his death. Society expects us to move on and get over it. Wrong, I will never get over missing and loving my husband. I fell in love with him the first day we spent together. He was and still is everything to me.

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    1. Anonymous, I have read your comments before and your story is similar to mine. At 3 a.m. on 10/9/11 my husband had a massive heart attack in our bed.....a sound woke me up and I tried to save him, but couldn't. I can still see everyone in our home.....paramedics, sheriff's department, fire department, and being told that even though they had tried, there was nothing else they could do. You are so right.....you never get over missing and loving your husband. I appreciate Alison's writing for her honesty, and I was glad to be able to meet her at Camp Widow. Sandi

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    2. Sandi, thank you for sharing your story with me. We surely share a kinship in our similar experiences. Please contact me on WV. mrsmcgoo

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    3. mrsmcgoo, I'm flamingo517 on WV and recently sent you a friend request.

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    4. Your responses could be my response. I can still see in my mind (3 years later) Don's look as I went around his bed, "Don?" I called the hospice nurse, knelt down on the floor and laid my head on his chest. He took part of my heart with him I miss him terribly and no one can replace. Thanks for the ear that tells me of others

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    5. That feeling of being left behind...it's so powerful, isn't it?

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  4. I'm with you Alison. There is definitely a difference in expectations, pressures, and opinions on men versus women. But I don't believe that it is purely gender based (nor do I think you're saying that). In some sense, we have it easier, especially if we were in a "traditional" marriage where we were the breadwinner. In other cases, it can be tougher, as was stated above, when it comes to support.

    I am 34, with an 8 year old daughter, and lost Megan to a long term illness (lifetime, actually), where we had the luxury and forethought to discuss what she would have wanted for both myself and Shelby when the inevitable happened.

    I can only speak for her. She fully expected and encouraged me to be happy after she died, just as I was when she was alive. There were no time limits, stipulations, or "gotchas". She trusted me to not self-destruct and get into any toxic situations.

    Ultimately, really, the only opinion that matters is your own. You DO deserve to be happy, no matter how hard that may be. You have fulfilled your vows, just as Chuck did, and you should be proud of that fact, because unfortunately, many people don't ever get to the point of "til death do us part".

    I'm not suggesting you go out and seek to create a new life. I'm suggesting that a new life may find you, and you simply should try to accept it for what it is without fear, guilt, or worrying about the opinions of others.

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  5. Alison,

    Your posts always bring out a plethora of feelings in me. Then the comments give me even more to wrestle with.

    Yet no matter how much I triangulate I find the last point is always the same one. I have no desire to live life without my husband and the sooner I leave this earthly realm the better. Unfortunately being left in this position, I have to keep paying bills for food, shelter and warmth in some form. The “catch”. Thus I have to participate and do things to make money. I do things not because it makes me happy or brings me joy. I know what brought me joy and the rest of what I have left is just marking days.

    It's really rather sad that, like you, I considered myself a strong woman before and was perceived as such by both families when the real rock was my husband. HE kept me level. Now I cant decide my way out of a cardboard box.

    Will it change? I highly doubt it. I have said in the past "grief didn't make me stupid". At 26 months I am pretty sure I am out of the shock and stupor and am facing what is the post-me self. I'm looking at the cards now dealt me and I want to cash in my chips. It wont probably happen now by my own hand (think I am beyond that).

    But I live in a totally different world now and too many people want me to squeeze back into one that faintly resembles the old one. And most think they are doing me a favor by encouraging me to do so. They just don't understand what the death of the man who loved me so much has done to me. Even other widows journey's are different than mine. I speak of only my own. But I welcome death. Every day I ask to be released. This is the new me.

    Selfishly I am glad though that I do not walk this path alone with the kind of feelings that I have. I know there are others who had the kind of relationship that make it impossible to squeeze back into the old persona. Yes, selfish, because given the state of world affairs I find solace in knowing there are others who see suffering for what it is and it isn’t pretty. It’s raw and penetrating and needs acknowledging. Thank you Alison for your honesty.

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    1. Very well written, Anonymous. And this is exactly how I feel. Doesn't it feel liberating to come here and shed all the masks we have to hold up in order to pay the bills? Alison is starting a movement!

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    2. Alison, I was married to my husband for 54 years when he suddenly went to Heaven a year ago. I loved him and still love him like you do your husband but I know I will see him again when I go to Heaven. And believe me I am looking forward to that. I can't wait to see him and hug him, but I guess God wants me to stay here a while to be with my two daughters and their families a bit longer so that they won't have lost their parents so close together in time. I will pray for you to feel the comfort and love of our most merciful God.

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  6. Thank you for your deeply heartfelt words. My husband died almost 19 months ago and today, the nineteenth of March would have been our fifty first anniversary. I miss him every minute, every day. We met at 15 and 16 so needless to say life without him is so very difficult. The pressure to stop grieving is becoming strong, as if we enjoy this. We make others uncomfortable. Thank you for yours words as they mirror what we all are experiencing and feel deeply...

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    1. I also met my husband when we were teenagers and married six years later. We were married one week short of 46 years when he died suddenly in 2011. I have moved on, figuratively and literally, now living very far from our home and close to a daughter and with a life so different than the one I treasured. Thanks to a wonderful widows support group and life in a community of over-65 people, many of whom have lost loved ones, I am under no pressure to stop grieving and cannot imagine ever doing so but among strangers I put on a peaceful, accepting mask. I also miss him every minute of every day. For me, that keeps him close.

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  7. Alison, how do I know you are right? The best, most productive days I have are days when I incorporate my grief into my life. When I deny it I develop problems.

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  8. I wonder if anyone could speak to what might be termed 'complicated grief'. My husband died 16 months ago, somewhat unexpectedly, even though he had moderate to severe COPD and had been successfully treated for cancer of the larynx. However, our last few years together were marred by his untreated alcoholism. His doctor and I believe that drinking ultimately caused his death, as he was unwilling to stop, or be diagnosed and treated for what we believe to have been colon cancer. While there was a great deal of love in the earlier years of our marriage, the last 4 or 5 were horribly clouded. He was unable to attend his beloved granddaughter's wedding, and died five days later. I came home from the wedding, discussed hospice care with him 3 days later, and the following morning came home from a meeting to find him dead.

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  9. Thank you for sharing this personal story with your readers and I am so sorry you've lost the love of your life. When I lost someone close to me I was recommended a book that really helped me through the grief. I would like to recommend it to you as well. "Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased" by Dr. Jamie Turndorf (http://askdrlove.com/). I was amazed at how deeply this book affected me and how much it helped me through the grieving process. I love the idea of my loved ones reaching out to me through spiritual means, I often see "signs" that they are with me. Dr. Turndorf explains these phenomenons and uses examples from her own loss to show us the deeper meaning behind these occurrences. The most common form of grief therapy pushes you to grieve, let go and move on… Dr, Turndorf has emphasized the exact opposite; it is so important to reconnect and, if needed, make peace with the deceased. I loved this book very much and I hope it will help you and your readers to heal

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  10. Your post certainly speaks eloquently about the contradictions of widowhood. The paragraph that I want to repeat to everyone is this one:
    "Sometimes it seems that we're supposed to love just enough, but not so much that our lives crumble when that person we love dies. Enough so that our lives are fulfilled but not so much that we are left stunned and shocked when that person is poof! gone. Enough so that we feel loved but not so much that it kills our soul in the aftermath of death."

    This is the most perfect description of the oxymoronic state of widowhood. Thank you for your superb words that capture the dilemma of loving and losing a soulmate.

    Carol M.

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  11. This is a very good set of comments and answers. Yes I too am now 2 yrs out from my beloved's passing away. There seems to be no real let up from the grief. I am not wailing (as I have done), I am a bit less foggy brained. But MISS HIM. SURE DO!! Every day I think of him, or talk to him. As I go past the photos on the table I look at us together, ' the photo of our first date" down to the one before we took our wedding vows again. There is a hole that is unfilled. Reading the above comments re 'what we should be like now" shows a total lack of compassion from those around us. When he came into my life - it was so different. There was joy, happiness, trust, personal growth. We both loved deeply. I seemed to be protected from so much chaos that I have now. A week after he passed away things went wrong. My leg broke without me tripping over anything. Had an operation, alone at home, since then have had 2 more injuries. I HAVE NEVER HAD ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE. Now it is not only loneliness, even if I go out... it is the constant problems that occur every day. Not only has my heart been broken... but the things surrounding me. Somehow his spirit made the house whole, it is empty without him. Iam exhausted from the loss, but also from the continuing 'losses' of support and friends. Breakdown of items, air conditioning, leaking taps, etc. nearly every day there is a new problem to solve. When he was here this did not occur!!!.. I agree with you all - remembering the rushes to hospital to ease their suffering, the total loss of interest in things that once brought joy. Also many of us have no validation anymore. No one really loves us as our beloved... and the wonderful gift of being able to love them back. Recently I discovered a very large Valentine's card he had written to me. It is full of loving phrases. It is now on my dressing table. How can one move on - when this love and happiness was so strong and has not been replaced or found via any other source. We are withering due to lack of genuine loving words and touch.
    Bless you all... more and more books need to be written by us to get this shocking material out into the world... so that others will understand, and widowed people will be respected.

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