Friday, March 27, 2015

Spouse: Blank

Who would ever think that something as boring and mundane as reading your tax return would send you into fits of sobbing, post-loss? A tax return? Really? It's not like I was even the one doing my taxes. Luckily, "I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy" (as Sal would say on "Breaking Bad"), who does my tax return for me. Actually, I am making it sound way more mysterious and shady than it is. He is a good family friend who also happens to be a tax accountant. He does the tax returns for our whole family - my parents, my brother and his wife, and me and Don. And now, just me. I have always been terrible with numbers and math, and because I have so many part-time and temp jobs and my life is complicated as far as "work" goes, it is a huge weight off my chest not to have to worry about how to make sense of my piles of receipts and paperwork, come tax time. Instead, a few rounds of back and forth mailings occur, a few signing on the dotted lines, and we're done. About 3 days ago, I received my tax return from my tax accountant friend in the mail. While reading it, I suddenly and abruptly burst into tears, and it had nothing to do with the obscenely small amount of money I make, or the fact that Im now being charged because I can't afford health insurance. Nope. It had nothing to do with that.

Let me backtrack a bit. The first time you file your taxes after the death of your spouse, the IRS considers you widowed. The space on your return where it says "spouse" - underneath that word is the word "deceased." When I saw that word underneath my husband's name that first year, I stared at it for what felt like an hour. Just stared and stared at it, hoping that it might somehow go away if I stared it down enough. The silent tears formed as I stared down the word deceased - and I wanted so badly to defeat it. I wanted so badly for it not to be true. However, it was true, and even though it hurt like hell to read it there on that page, I was at least satisfied that the government was telling the truth about my situation, and treating me as such. Being filed as a widow, coupled with the fact that my husband happened to die in July, smack in the middle of the year, gave me a bigger refund than I had ever had before. It was nothing amazing, mind you, but for me and my measly little paycheck and income, it made a dent that first year and got me out of more financial ruin.

With the second filing, it was much the same. The IRS still listed me as widowed, and still had the word deceased next to my husband's name. The refund got a lot smaller, because I was no longer dealing with his income as well as my own, but I still appreciated being recognized as a widowed person.

Then came the next tax season. Turns out, the IRS only considers you to be of widowed status, for 2 tax seasons after the death of a spouse. After that point, you suddenly become "single." When I saw this in last year's return, it infuriated me. Single? Single??? I am not single. Single implies that I had a choice in the matter, which I did not. Single also implies that I was never really married to begin with. What happened to recognizing the death of my husband? Is he just suddenly not dead anymore, according to the government? Does my widowhood expire after a 2-year trial run? Hey, it was nice having you as a widow, but your time has now run it's course. I didn't get it. It angered me.

And so, back to about 3 days ago. I opened my tax return, hoping like hell there was some kind of refund coming my way, because Im forever broke and struggling. Well, the refund turned out okay, but as I was looking at the return itself, I noticed something that I somehow hadn't noticed last year. In the space where it used to list my husband's name, then "spouse", then "deceased" - it now just had the word "spouse", with nothing at all underneath it or next to it. It said "spouse", and then just blank. Spouse: Blank. An empty box appeared where his name used to be. As if I had imagined my beautiful short marriage - as if it had never happened at all. It was as if Don Shepherd never even existed, according to the IRS. Where his name used to be - there was now just empty space. I got really angry for about 17 seconds, and then I burst into sudden and abrupt sobbing.

But, it's just a tax return, you might say. It's just the IRS and their silly laws - don't take it so personally - you might be thinking. But here's the thing - that tax return , in my eyes, and in that moment, was a direct mirror and reflection and symbol for how the whole world treats my loss. It was a direct statement on how society views the loss of a spouse or partner, in general. There it was, right in my face and line of fire. In writing, even:

Year One - people are knocking down your door to support you and shower you with love. If you're lucky enough, your job and your family and your friends and life, are all pretty understanding for that pocket of time, and they seem to get that you will need awhile longer to process all of this, thank you very much.

Year Two - Some people still get it, sort of, but they are growing very impatient with you and with all the talking you do about your dead husband. 'Okay, we get it, he's dead", they think or actually say. "Can you talk about something else now? Can we please move on?" Hmmm ... well, sure. YOU are more than welcome to move on, since he wasn't your husband and you are not actually dealing with anything here. I, however, cannot do the same. Work is not nearly as understanding as before, lots of friends have disappeared, and family starts getting back to their own lives again.

Year Three (and beyond) - People are done talking about this loss, and they really wish you would be done with it too. Some people even accuse you of trying to get attention or "wallowing in your grief" , as they sit in their living rooms, next to their own life-partners, judging that which they do not know. The world now wants you to put that life you had with your husband, that love that you shared - on a shelf somewhere, or in a drawer somewhere, and lock it up with a key. Forget about it. Pretend it never happened. Move on. Stop living in the past. You are single now. It's time we got you "out there" again. He isn't coming back.

He is now nothing. He has disappeared into thin air. He isn't even deceased anymore. Just blank space.

It was quite the metaphor, reading and looking at that space where my husband's name used to be. So I cried and cried for a few minutes longer, I got angry, and then I made a vow. I made a vow to keep writing and keep talking about my husband. I made a vow to keep speaking about him and our love in the present tense. It's not we loved each other - it's we love each other. I made a vow to keep creating "this" version of myself, and to live and create for myself a joyful and meaningful life - one that includes him in it, always. I made a vow to continue carrying us and our story with me in my pocket, never leaving home without it. I made a vow to be that voice, to be that person who keeps letting the world know that it's not okay to make widowed people feel bad about loving their partners forever. It's not okay to tell them to move on or leave them behind like some horrible baggage. It's not okay to never talk about them anymore or to never bring up their name anymore, or to have a tone of superiority and pity whenever I bring up their name. It's not okay to erase my husband from existence, or to pretend that his life didn't matter, or that he was never here. None of that is okay with me.

As a society, we seem to celebrate love stories whenever they are fantasy-like or lengthy. I am so tired of reading articles about these married couples who had 60 years together as husband and wife, and who died holding hands , just hours or minutes apart at age 93, because neither could stand to be without the other for more than a few hours. That's called LUCK. If you get the honor - the privilege - of being married to the same person your whole life, and you both get to LIVE long lives together, and die hours apart - you are one lucky bastard. But your love is no better than or greater than my love. Your story is no more beautiful than mine. Why do we celebrate and go "awwwwww, how sweet!" when a couple gets to exist together for decades and decades, but if a widowed person who was forced to live on earth without the love of their life for those same decades and decades , tries to talk about the love they have and will ALWAYS have for their partner - we act like they are somehow delusional or worthy of pity, or they call it "sad" that that person hasn't "moved on" yet. Loving someone your whole life, and their whole life, is not sad. It is goddamn beautiful. I am tired of being silently and loudly judged by people in the world, because I love my husband. If I lost a sibling or my dad died, you certainly wouldn't hear anyone asking that I not post pictures of them, or that I move on from that, or stop talking about them. People are allowed to grieve and love parents and friends and brothers and sisters for a long time - as they should be. But as soon as it's someone's partner - everybody suddenly has a say in how you need to let it go already. Everyone wants to make you feel like your love is something to be ashamed of, or that it's somehow unhealthy or wrong.

My love for my husband will last forever. Even if I meet someone else one day. Even if I get re-married. Even through time and space and ten-thousand moons and suns, and decades of judgmental people. I will carry my husband and our love with me.

He is not a blank space.
He will live inside the rhythms of everything that I am, forever.
No matter what the IRS, or society, or the world has to say about it.


20 comments:

  1. oh jeez thanks for reading my mind this morning. i've been struggling for a couple of days because a "friend" said to me (in reference to a mutual friend who was widowed two months ago) that sometimes you have to pull yourself together and move on. two months. really? this is the same woman who, when i quoted michele about "living your widowed life" said NO NO NO! it's not your widowed life! it's just janice's life!!

    then last night i met a woman who has very recently lost her mother. she was really in pain and talking a lot about her mom and the service, and everything that had happened, and the good friend of hers who introduced us tried to shush HER, then turned to me and said WE DON'T NEED THIS.

    god spare me from these people. help me not hit them.

    you are so right, kelley. if it was my mom or dad or sibling that i was mourning people would be more understanding. if it's my husband of 37 years, well, i'm supposed to be finished already.

    thanks for sharing this morning. you made me feel less alone.

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    1. Wow this "friend" sounds like a piece of work. Im so glaad you are not letting her behavior rule how you live your life. Keep saying his name. Keep sharing about him. And keep living your widowed life (that was SUCH A powerful Key Note - wasnt it? Still gives me chills thinking about the way she said that one line with such passion) . VERY happy this made you feel less alone ....

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  2. Kelley, thank you! You so accurately portray exactly what I think and feel. My husband died 6/21/11 and just last night I had a crying meltdown from the pain of wanting him. When he died suddenly in the middle of the night, half of me died as did the life we shared for 16 years. My life is empty without him in it. Going to bed without him beside me and waking up without him beside me causes me pain each and every day. I will mourn not having him here with me until I'm with him again. Our friends are long gone and my family doesn't want to hear about my loss any longer. I will always will be in love with my husband. "I love you Rich."

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    1. Sending you lots of love and understanding. We are on a similar timeline, as mine was 7/13/11. We will love them forever.

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  3. Kelley it's amazing how all of us in this horrible club lead such parallel lives isn't it? Just last week I received my tax return from the man who prepares it. I did not realize the IRS changes our status until this year. What a shock! When I saw the same blank space you did I was so surprised. How could I be "single" when for the past two years they showed me as widowed? I had to look up the IRS rules to be sure it was true. I cried and have been sad about it for the past week. Thank you for putting my feelings (all of our feelings) so succinctly into words. I feel so much better knowing it isn't just me. I had been beginning to wonder if maybe everyone around me was right and I was the one "out of step". This has given me renewed energy to face the nay sayers in my life. I'll always love Tony, and will carry him with me forever.

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    1. Lisa Im SO happy that this post hit you at the right exact time, and that it was helpful for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with us, and we should continue to love our people without apology. Anyone who does not GET that , is no longer that important to me Sounds harsh, but its true. I just dont have time anymore for those that dont at least try to support the life Im living now , and the way I love and honor my husband. xo ...

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  4. Dug out last years tax returns, yep, I'm single too. Certainly don't feel it, still feel married. Taxes suck, I do have help, but getting all the info together is such a drain on me. I no longer care if it's correct, just want to be done with it. Death and taxes, can't get away from either.

    I've always told my kids, both openly adopted, that there is room in their hearts to love their birthmom and love me, the mom who raised them. I know there can be love for another, it's just so hard to imagine at this point. I'm still so in love with my husband that I can't fathom a relationship with anyone else. maybe someday.

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    1. I think that your adoption comparison is a great one. It really explains it well - how your heart expands and gives ALL of the love, and the more love you receive, the more it expands. I also cant fathom loving someone else - not yet. But at least I no longer want to throw up at the mere mention of 'someone else." Thats a step in the right direction I guess lol.

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  5. THANK YOU SO MUCH, KELLY! Your post describes exactly how I feel. My husband died June 7th, 2011, and I love him just as much today as I did on that day. And, I KNOW I'll keep right on loving him that much until the day I die. He was my everything and I've struggled trying to cope with judgmental people (his sister for one!) who think I "should be over it". Over IT?? My husband was REAL, my love for him is REAL, my yearning for him is REAL, and I could go on. Don't people know that this is REAL life. Maybe they do and it scares the hell out of them? So, society dismisses us and pretends that we weren't ever madly in love and our love never existed? Well, the love of my life DID exist and I will never pretend, for anyone, that he didn't. I, too, have vowed that he will never be forgotten. And, I don't give a rip what others think. Thanks for letting me rant; this struck a cord with me and I understand what you're saying and I agree with you - none of it's ok with me, either.

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    1. Amen!!! We need more of us who feel this way to stand up for ourselves and let people know its NOT OKAY to make us or our loves invisible. Dont let those judgmental ones get to you. Lucky them for getting to remain so clueless ...

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  6. oh, Kelley,

    your powerful words ring out loud and clear for me with this post. THANK YOU for speaking the truth - LOVE NEVER DIES, and i will forever love Hugh deeply, wildly, madly, and i will never, ever let anyone even try to stifle any expression of how i feel and how much i miss him, and what it means to share memories and say his name, it is so ironic that during the very worst time in our lives, WE have to be the ones to educate society about this horrible lack of understanding and insensitivity. as for the IRS - fuck 'em. i bet you can imagine hearing your Don's outrage with the "single", then the "blank" as he would be ripping them a new one...

    and you are so right - it is NOT OKAY to let people run rough-shod over how ever we choose to keep our loved ones remembered. if we don't speak up for ourselves, the world will just keep turning on it's axis of judgement, selfishness, and clueless-ness (word?-who cares!)

    gratefully,
    Karen (Sutherland)


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    1. Yes Don would be pissed. lol. He would tell m e"Give em hell, Boo!" Thank you for all the support, Karen.

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  7. This is my first tax year as head of household and not widow. Seeing deceased for the first time made me feel sick. I still remember doing my taxes and having the software ask me if any of the filers had died. I didn't even remember that question from previous years and there it was slamming me in the face and making my stomach lurch. I had a similar reaction when I went to vote and his name wasn't there. Why wasn't his name there and who told them he was gone and it should have been me saying he was gone.... I was so mad that day because it should have been me informing them. As for people, if they don't want to hear about him than don't talk to me. That is how I seriously feel. Go ahead and look uncomfortable, I don't care and don't talk to me next time then. I was told once "life goes on" by an administrator at my daughter's school district and I turned my head and held up my hand at her and said I don't have to accept that. I said to her that anyone that knows anything about grief knows not to say that and I don't accept it. The meeting didn't last much longer, I don't think she liked to be challenged. I can't even write about the stupidity of anyone thinking that just because it is a blood relative it is by definition harder. I have been down that road too. Wow, that was a venting there! I must have needed that. We are on similar time lines, your posts always resonate, thank you for writing.

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    1. lol Sometimes we really need to vent. Im so glad that my post allowed you to do that today xoxo And yes, the "life goes on" comment makes my blood boil with anger. It is sooooo non-chalant, as if the death means nothing at all. So rude.

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  8. Dear Kelley Lynn-
    Thanks for the reminder to do taxes. I always did ours, but I'm not sure I know how to do them this year- I guess I have to do his final return. Geez. Better get on this.
    The people in our life pretty much vanished right after the funeral last summer, so I really haven’t had to deal with people getting sick of me talking about my dead husband. Don’t talk to them at all. I do talk to his family once in a while, but they don’t mention him. They seem to prefer to act like he never existed, and get uncomfortable when I mention him. Drives me nuts, but we talk less and less, and they will probably vanish into the world of living in denial before too long.
    I talk to my husband all the time and do memorials for him. Trying to come up with creative ways to keep his memory alive. I will never “get over it”, and he will not be forgotten.

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    1. My husbands family is also very dysfunctional, and my family is awesome, but they are 5 hours away and have their own lives. So, its up to ME and me alone to keep Don's name alive - and I will do it with honor. You will figure out the best way to honor him - I know you will <3

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  9. Thank you. I just finished taxes after losing my husband in November. Its amazing how much emotion this can bring up. You expressed this so perfectly. Next year I "get" to be a widow and then head of household. I too will keep talking about him and making sure that he lives on as he always will in my heart. I too will never "be over it" nor will I ever ever forget.
    Thank you

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    1. Good for you! Love it when we stand up for ourselves and dont allow our loves to become invisible!

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  10. My beloved died eight weeks ago, as of 3:20 p.m. today. Your posts brought up the fact that when my friend's husband died, 20 years ago, and she told me about the "Deceased" thing on her taxes, I was nice to her about it, but I secretly thought "big deal." It is a big deal. But I didn't understand. I cried the first time I checked the single box on a form. Is this my life now? I don't want it!!!! It is a big deal. One other miserable, depressing, soul-killing thing to look forward to in life without my husband. Crap.

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  11. Thanks for sharing about spouse-blank. Your posts brought up the fact that when my friend's husband died, 20 years ago, and she told me about the "Deceased" thing on her taxes, I was nice to her about it, but I secretly thought "big deal." It is a big deal. ...........

    Tax Accountant Mississauga

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