I Can't Think About Him ....

.... for very long.

I find that it's emotionally and physically impossible for me to sit and just think about Jim.  I cannot reflect on memories.

Not yet.

I can only think of him in snatches of time.  And only for a moment.

I wonder if this is how most people deal with grief?

If I sit and think about him for more than a moment then I feel myself being pulled into the current of that river of grief.  And I feel as if I will drown.

So I don't.

Not yet.

I hope to be able to linger in a memory .... some day.

But today is not that day.

It's been a tough week.

The waves have been slamming into me .... out of the blue, which is their normal way.  They really seem to do more damage when I don't see them coming.

I hate these waves, and I wonder if they will ever go away?  I don't think they will. I think they'll get fewer and fewer, but I don't think they'll disappear.  Not completely.

I'm glad that they're getting a bit farther between, though.  They leave me physically exhausted, which is hard to explain to someone who doesn't get knocked over by these waves.  

So until they stop coming as often .... I will keep treading water.... trying to keep my head above the water and my body out of the undertow.

Someone sent me this video because it describes exactly how I feel on this path.  I posted it on my blog yesterday, but I want to post it here, too ..... because I think it describes how most of you feel, or have felt, on this path, too.

Keep swimming!

Swim

You gotta Swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
Swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the door
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open yeah
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absense of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
For nights that wont end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers your friends
Yeah you gotta swim
For wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed is a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the door
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim to brighter days
Despite of the absense of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's an ocean to drift in
Feel the tide shifting away from the spark
Yeah you gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just follow the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim