Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I Didn't See it Coming ....

.... and .... shockingly enough .... it came .... and went .... and I never saw it it.

Friday was the 18th, month 22. And I didn't think about it one time. Even as I wrote the date down once or twice, it still didn't occur to me.
After last month's tsunami of a wave slammed into me on that date I find this incredible. And very hard to believe.
And a bit troublesome, though I'm not letting that one take a foothold in my heart.

I can't believe I didn't think about it one single time.
It wasn't until someone asked me about it on the 19th, and I was stunned. Literally.

So how does that make me feel?
Pretty darn good.
Not guilty?
I pondered that for a moment. Should I feel guilty that I didn't give the day it's due .... that I didn't give Jim the recognition for that day.

But here's what I came up with:

Jim was not about the 18th. Never. He was about living. And about his faith in God. And about his love for me and for his children and our families. He was about helping out where he could. He was about improving our school district. He was about being a man of God at work.
He was about so many, many things ..... but he was never about the 18th, and what that day brings.

So yay for not being aware of that number once in 22 months. Yay for being so busy being about what Jim was about that I forgot.

We'll see what happens next month. I'm not foolish enough to think my grief is done now on every 18th, but I'll certainly take this past one for all it was worth.

Which was a lot.


  1. yay Janine!! I'm so happy for you that you're not beating yourself up about it. Revel in the freedom from the day! :)

  2. I think it took me until somewhere just before 2 years out (or maybe it's just been since after 2 years out; can't remember anymore) before I stopped noticing the 12th every month. Now I never really notice it at all, 4 years out. I know when the year anniversary is coming or here, of course, and occasionally the 6-month anniversary in January, but that's about it. I'll happen to note the date sometime after the 12th of each month and occasionally I'll have a brief "oh...yeah...the 12th...[hooray! didn't notice it again!]" moment.

    Good for you for "forgetting." I think it's a healthy thing once you can finally reach that point where you "forget" it, even if it's only for one month. It'll start happening more and more, and *absolutely* don't feel guilty for it, for exactly all those reasons you wrote about, Janine.