We write about widowhood as we live it. Together we examine the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of life as a widowed person. The views expressed here are those held by each individual author. We take no credit for their brillance; we just provide them with a forum for expressing their widowed journey in words that are uniquely their own.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I Miss Touch
I have decided to carry on Michele's theme of "What I Miss" on Sunday. Because for the past week or so one fact has been glaring me in the face ..... and all over me: I miss being physically touched. Note that I did not say I miss being sexually touched (not that I don't) but those are two very different things. I live in a house with two teenage boys who aren't that crazy about touching, let alone hugging, their mom. They are normal. And I am starving. I miss the small reassuring pat as he walked past me. I miss the hug from behind as I stood at the sink doing dishes, or at the stove, cooking. I miss the kiss goodbye ---- Every. Single. Morning. I miss the kiss hello ---- Every. Single. Evening. I miss holding his hand. I miss rubbing my hand over his too-short buzz cut. I miss doing his laundry. I miss him picking me up and squeezing me hard to help pop my back when I needed that. I miss his massages. I miss dangling my short legs over his long legs when we sat in a movie theatre (for some odd reason, that habit started on our 2nd date and never stopped). I miss crying in his arms when I was upset/frustrated/angry about something. I miss him holding my face because he loved looking at the smile in my eyes. I miss him pulling me down onto his lap to just sit and cuddle. I miss falling asleep with him, hand in hand. I miss gently touching him to wake him up when he was snoring so that he'd roll onto his side. I miss hearing the loud clacking sound of his biking shoes as he walked through the house after a ride. (I miss making fun of his biking shorts before he left for a ride.) I miss shutting the pantry doors behind him because, as a male, he couldn't manage that. I miss hearing him thank me for dinner ...... whether it was soup and a sandwich, or a wonderful steak. I miss the "just because" phone calls during the day to check on me. I miss the text messages he'd send from the school board meetings. I miss him opening doors for me ..... and making sure his sons did the same for me and for their sisters. I miss the light in his eyes when he talked about biking. I miss him helping me zip up a long zipper on the back of a dress. I miss asking him which pair of shoes looks best with an outfit. I miss making eye contact with him from across a room when we were out at a party. I miss trying to avoid making eye contact with him at a party because I wasn't ready to go home. I miss his arms ..... he had great arms. I miss watching him drive the boat at the lake and how much he loved being there. I miss watching him freak out when the weather turned suddenly and the waves ripped in while he tried to dock the boat with out uttering too many four-letter words in front of the kids. I miss seeing live theatre regularly with him ..... which he learned to love because I loved it and he loved me. I miss his deep voice. I miss his whisper. I miss him telling me that I'm beautiful. I miss him, when I would complain about the heat in a room, telling me it was because I was "so hot". I miss telling him he was full of crap when he'd say those things, but thanking him anyway because I knew that he truly saw me as beautiful ..... even if I didn't.
I truly don't understand how I've managed to stay alive this long with missing him so much, because this list of things I've missed is only a minute fraction of the things I miss. I can't believe that my heart has not just given out. There are many, many days when I've wished it would, but there are starting ..... ever so slowly .... to be more days when I don't wish for that. I watch my other widda friends who are further along on this path .... and they give me hope. I read the words of other widda friends and acquaintances who are further along, and they, too, give me hope. I need hope. Lots and lots of hope to help take the place of the things I miss. I want hope. I want laughter. I want happiness. I want to live so that I can encourage others and give them hope.