I dreamed of him last night. My dreams aren't too off from the real world. In them I know he is dead. And yet, in this Inception like reality, I still think maybe there is someway his world and mine can merge, if only for a couple of hours in my sleep.
In the dream, there was one moment that stood out more than any other.
I was walking beside my love, both of us aware of each others presence. I looked down at his hand which I so greatly wanted to grasp, but hesitated almost in fear that my dream world would start collapsing for not following some code. I looked down at his hand, looked up seeking some mighty voice to say it would be ok, and then he grabbed it, and in that moment I felt something that I haven't felt in nearly four years.
Bliss. Pure bliss in knowing my hand was locked in the one place it will one day be locked into for eternity. Ahead of us in my dream was my sister and her husband, and I just remember her turning around, looking at me and Michael, and saying, "You look so happy (the exclusive kind of Michael happy).". Which was followed by me smiling the way only those who witnessed our love together could remember the sight of.
From there, things start getting a little loco and then I awoke. I laid there knowing the feelings I had felt that night had taken me over in my unconscious and soaked through to my conscience, and I found myself trying to fall back asleep a bit longer in order to search or remember any other bits.
I've always loved my dreams that he's in (minus the ones where he feels so far away...which over the years I've learned to shrug off), and I felt like last night's dream was him reminding me that those feelings will always be there when I need them the most. The feelings of untouchable love, that may be tested and torn by the winds of time, but will always stand tall and guiding like a beacon of light.
This is my life and our life together. I cannot change its course, but it's always nice to reminded I'm on the right one.
SO in love with you, baby.
I have had dreams and I have had nightmares, but I have conquered my nightmares because of my dreams.
- Jonas Salk
I think we have those kind of dreams to keep us from going crazy. I do think our love goes on forever, but I also think we need to remember that life is for the living. We need to remember that we will always have a special place for them in our hearts, but we also needed to make sure that we are not just living for the past. I know in my own journey I realized that I was always going to miss my husband. At that point, I really started to dream as in think about and plan my life without him, because he would never want me to put my life on hold just because he was not here. It was hard at first, but atlast I feel like I do have things to hope for and look foward to!
ReplyDeleteI haven't been dreaming ... or at least I haven't been remembering my dreams. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing - it just is what it is. I recently read the book "The Barn Dance" that describes encounters the author had with his dead ex-wife. I liked the premise of his story and wish that I could experience some time with my guy again.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, beautiful! I don't remember my dreams of Dave very often but I love having having them too! I too realize that he is dead in my dreams but yet we are somehow together. They are so very special and surprisingly make me feel happy, not sad, when I wake up from them.
ReplyDeleteAs always, thank you for sharing.
I've had a hand holding dream of me and my mom after she passed. It was wonderful and said so much without saying anything at all :-) I always acknowledge in my dreams that she is dead-- once she even elaborated on what heaven is like. That is one of my favorites.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are having these dreams. I have had some and I understand the bliss. I also believe these contacts are real. I have had several experiences in my life that have been what one would call supernatural, and I don't even question them anymore. By the way, I am not crazy. Science has already proven that atoms don't die, and we are made up of atoms. I'm sure our loved ones want contact with us as much as we want it with them. When it happens, it's a gift.
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