Monday, December 1, 2014

A Thankful, Angry Heart



It is the week of Thanksgiving, and all around me there is the message to be grateful, to be thankful for what I have, and to count my blessings.

I am thankful for many things—my brothers and their families, who made sure I got to visit them, my cousins and aunts and uncle, who made special efforts to see me while I am here, my son and his girlfriend, who travelled from faraway places to support me in my visit.

I am thankful for Stan’s family and for the beautiful part of the world he gave to me. I am thankful for my spiritual community, and for Stan’s friends and neighbours, the loving people who have supported me in the aftermath of his death.

But today, I am feeling tired and sad and angry. People say it is not possible to be angry and grateful at the same time. Perhaps those people have not faced great loss. This grief journey has taught me that I can carry a multitude of feelings, often conflicting, at once—gratitude and anger, joy and sorrow, hope and despair. We hold all of these within us, and try to function at the same time, to smile and interact and focus and pretend that we are fine, so that those around us won’t worry. No wonder we are exhausted.

I am thankful that I met and loved this man.

Lately, I have pondered this question—if someone were to tell me that I was going to meet and fall in love with a man who would change my world, but that I would only have him for a short time, would I have risked it? Would I have taken the plunge, knowing I would face such deep sorrow? I like to think I would. But maybe not.  Maybe I would have been too afraid. Maybe I would have chosen to stick with my safe, predictable life, in order to spare myself this grief. So it is probably a good thing that I could not have foretold our fate, before we met. I would have missed so much. I would have missed knowing him.

The truth is, on this day, I am angry that he is gone. I feel cheated. I found the love of my life, and I was meant to grow old with him. And in 3 ½ short years, he was taken from me, at the drop of a hat. Before my very eyes. I don’t know how to be grateful for that.

Some people claim that everything happens for a reason, but I can’t believe it. I gave up on that belief when my mom and sister died. I can no longer conceive of a higher power that has some grand plan for us. How could such a cruel fate as this be part of some grand plan?

There is no sense in it.

I prefer to believe that all things rise and fall, and that every being is part of this ever-changing flux. Sometimes it feels so random. But it is just the way of the world. There is not a lot of easy comfort in this belief. That is why we practise acceptance.

Some things are easier to accept than others. And it may take me a few more months or years to reach that place of acceptance with Stan’s death. At the moment, I rail against it. I hope that, at some point, I will come to a place of peace.

Stan had a thankful heart. Every day, he woke up thankful. He would draw the curtains open and praise the weather, even if it was grey and wet. He joyfully accepted the cups of tea I brought him. Even on the last day of his life, the day of his son’s funeral, when he found it difficult to get out of bed, he thanked me for his morning cup of tea.


I am angry and I am thankful. I am thankful for the time I had with him. I am angry he is gone. I hold both of these things in my heart.

14 comments:

  1. You said it so well. You expressed what I am feeling. I waited a long time to meet my husband and now he is gone. I would not give up the time that I had with him - he greatly enhanced my life. I am truly grateful for that. However, he should still be here. We both missed out on so much. As you said so well, I am sad and grateful at the same time. I l love your writing. .

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    1. Thank you, Ruthie. We have lost our loved ones and our dreams for our future.

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  2. Thank you for this post! A friend recently asked me, "why can't you be thankful for what you did have?" and I am incredibly thankful for the time I had. But I am also completely devastated that he's gone.

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    1. People just don't understand, and they won't, until it happens to them. We have a right to be angry.

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    2. Colima, people say infuriating things, don't they. Last week when I mentioned that the holidays were hard for me, a friend (never married) replied with some impatience, "I thought it was October that was hard." (He died in October 2 years ago.) I said only, "yes." But what I wanted to say was Yes, October. Yes, November. And December, and every month from now until the end of time. I was truly angry. She has no idea.

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  3. This is so true of me as well. Even though I had my hubby a little longer than you, 10 yrs. is still too short a time. Unfortunately, people that haven't lived it just don't get it.

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  4. My husband and I were married much longer, but our life together went by like the blink of an eye, and I can’t believe that it is over so soon. This fall was our first anniversary without him, and as I was looking at our wedding photos I wondered if I would have married him if I knew it would end with me watching him die unexpectedly when he was 50. I am thankful for our time together, but angry with both of us for the time that we squandered. We always thought we could do things later. There is no more later for us.

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    1. 50 is so young. I,too, thought we had lots of time. We planned so many things. We didn't have time to do them. My heart goes out to you. Firsts are so hard.

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  5. dear Tricia,

    you've written about something grief exerts upon us in so many painful ways. there are just too many conundrums that are so confusing and so hard to live with; being grateful and being angry is a tough road to hoe. and the sudden, completely unexpected death of a husband leaves us reeling with questions that have no answers. I am so sorry for all that you are going through, mostly the realization that your dear Stan was the love of your life and you were so incredibly fulfilled and happy together, and now he is gone, too soon and taken so cruelly. your words resonate both with feeling grateful, and at the same time feeling very angry. the things you wrote about what a grateful person he was are so touching. my heart aches for you, it aches for all of us who believed there would be so much more time to enjoy all of the feelings and experiences that made our hearts swell with gratitude...then it all ended so abruptly with no warning. we want so desperately to allow gratitude to soften our grief, but sometimes it just makes it feel worse - like life played some fucked up joke on us. it still makes no sense, it never will, it just is - and that is what we are left to deal with. i am told over and over that how i feel is "normal"; if that is true why is it so hard not to feel at times that i am going so completely insane? the only thing that helps is wonderful writers like you who share these aspects of your story and let us know we are not alone.

    much love, 00x00

    karen

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  6. Thank you for your kind comments, Karen. I, too, feel like I am going crazy sometimes. I just came home today after three weeks away. I am feeling so glad to be back but so sad that he is not here. But happy that I am back where he was, where we were, together. But angry that he was not here to pick me up at the airport, or to greet me when I got home. All of these feelings, all at once. It doesn't feel 'normal' to me! But I am heartened by people like you, who remind me I am not alone.

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  7. Tricia I am so sorry. Stan was exactly what you needed when you needed it. And, though I barely knew him, I think you were just what he needed too. It's so unfair. It is wonderful of you to write this blog- your words touch so many and give them comfort. Be well- hopefully it will not take two years for us to meet again. I miss you more than you know.

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    1. Thanks Tarin, I appreciate your kind words. I always tell people that I met Stan because of you and your encouragement. I hope that we meet again, as you said, sooner, rather than later! xx

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  8. My feelings are the same about being grateful and being angry. My husband, John, and I were only married a year and a half. We were together almost exactly 3 years from the day we met to the day he died. He was the happiest, most grateful man I ever met in my life. He told me numerous times a day how much he loved me, how happy I made him.and that he was proud of me and he thought I was an incredible woman. I told him that I loved him, cherished him and adored him and we told each other how blessed we were to have each other, and thanked each other for the love each of us gave. Every day. Every single day many times a day. He would text me all day about how much he missed me and couldn't wait to get home to be with me for "cozies and cuddle time". John loved so very deeply and affectionately I couldn't believe our life together was soo great. So, yes I feel blessed to have known him, loved him and been able to make his last few years so happy, but I am so F-ing Mad that we only had three years! I am so angry at an invisible God, that I am no longer sure I believe in, except to have someone to blame. I thought John was my reward for having had such a hard life, and for taking care of Carroll, my previous husband that ironically widowed me 5 short months before I met John! I am angry. I am defeated. I will not walk another man to the other side of life. I mourn John most because he was the best love I have ever known. But honestly, I feel so cheated that I chose to find love again after my last husband's death only to have him yanked out of my life! ...............and still I keep waking up everyday.

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    1. I am sorry I did not reply to this earlier. I wish I could be notified when someone comments, but I am not, and this is the first time I have returned to this post in awhile. It does feel like a cruel joke, doesn't it? I ask sometimes why I am still here. But I keep opening my eyes in the morning. So the only thing I know to do is to live. That is how I can honour him. Some days are harder than others. My heart goes out to you in your great losses. I, too, do not plan to be with another man again. I am happy enough to be on my own, now, and to remember the great love I had. Love to you this holiday season, when you are missing your husband so much.

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