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In my experience front loading washing machines are pieces of shit. The one I inherited from the previous homeowners was leaking water from the door the other day (obviously). When are these things not being problems?
Maybe it was my recent return to single-land or maybe it was my stubborn streak, but I decided I would NOT hire someone (most likely a man) to fix that machine. I would do it MYSELF, dammit.
So, I used the internet to find out what was wrong, order the new part and replace the old one. It took several trips to Home Depot for the right clamps to get one component of the new part installed and tons of cursing, smashing fingers, a few tears of utter frustration and maybe $150. I probably wouldn't have paid much more if I'd hired someone and I'd have had it done faster and with no struggle on my part, but I did it myself and no amount of money can buy me that kind of power.
Losing Dave has threatened my sense of power in so many ways. It felt powerless to watch him die. It felt powerless to start a life without him. It felt powerless to call out for him when I most needed him, only to realize, a thousand times a day, that he was never coming back.
To feel power again is so important. To feel in control of something when so much is completely out of my control is a big deal. It's worth it and I don't feel it that often. I miss it.
But when I closed that washer door, turned on a cycle and sat back to watch my handiwork do its thing, I felt it. I felt the power of fixing something broken and making it right again. It's a washing machine, but I'll take what I can get.
I think this power thing is at the root of a lot of my struggles right now. Instead of righteous anger or a feeling of powerful strength within, I feel helpless and frustrated. And what do I do when I feel that way? I cry.
While I get that crying is not a sign of weakness, it does sometimes get old. Being flooded with emotions that force buckets of tears from my eyes makes me feel powerless and beyond rational thought. I'm all raw emotion and can't think straight.
Taking back some power might be nice. I don't quite know the path to this yet, but I imagine it's small triumphs like this one that will slowly slowly get me there.
I hear ya on this one. I cry all the time as I break things or have to fix things that break on their own or have to do things that I never had to before. You get through it as best you can, and yes, enjoy the triumphs, baby! Here's one of my stories: http://trippinginmylifefantastic.com/yard-work-sucks/ . Sometimes you just have to laugh.
ReplyDeleteamen, sister. Reading this, realizing a lot of my monkey brain right now is related to feeling powerless. Right. Okay, so action is what's called for then. K, thanks. :)
ReplyDeleteWhich you've been doing! I've seen it! :)
DeleteKudos for the "power of one" ...for all of us on this journey... Mine is 21 months thus far since my wife died. Wishing her a Happy 59th Birthday on this Veterans Day.... "Always and forever"..... :-)
ReplyDeleteIt seems a lot of us have decided being alone doesn't make us powerless but empowers us. I too hate my front loader but when it wasn't draining I googled the problem, found the how to video on you tube and did it...ok it only meant taking off the front cover and cleaning a filter but I did it. I have also replaced the guts in a toilet and might just take on replacing one altogether. You go girl!
ReplyDeleteSo great, Kathie! I'm so impressed with you!
DeleteI have turned to youtube so many times for help in fixing things since D died. It's good stuff.
I agree. Thanks for google and u tube it helps me fix the issues at hand that day. I don't allow myself to breakdown DURING the problem, because that makes me lose focus. Yes it is frustrating, but when I finally get it fixed I know Jim and my dad are looking down on me saying "YOU GO GIRL". That's not to say I haven't shed a tear or two after completeing the job!. lol
DeleteI concur-although to me it has been more an erosion of my confidence as well as dis-empowerment (maybe they are inter-twined). I find I don't have the confidence in my career as well as my personal life...and I hate it!
ReplyDeleteRight there with ya on that too. Definitely an erosion of confidence in every area.
DeleteI admire your determination. I lost my husband 14 years ago as the result of a motorcycle accident. We had 2 young children at home. I told the kids after their father died, "Do not break ANYTHING. Because it will remain broken forever or for a very long time" But never, have I felt so empowered than the day I successfully installed a brand new garbage disposal. We have You Tube as our new best friend. It will get better, easier, and pretty soon, those pesky little projects will be second nature to fix.
ReplyDeleteMan this was a great post - I can so relate. I have chosen to tackle many things solo without him now and never realized how I was trying always to get back my power. Just last fall - after having gained a bit of weight and becoming totally out of shape since he died - I finally hired a trainer to force myself back into shape. Just last week I started Crossfit classes… something I never dreamed of being confident or in-shape enough to do. And every time I leave the gym I feel…. POWERFUL! Thank you for this post! =)
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