Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Catching a Glimpse, I Think~

In the last few weeks I've caught a glimpse, I think, into the world of soldiers and Marines who return from the war zones, having defied death, seen their buddies die, who have had their hearts pierced with the tenuousness of life.

So often, I've read in numerous memoirs, they return to their so called normal lives but they go out and buy fast motorcycles, faster cars; they become thrill seekers.  And I think I have some understanding of what goes on in their heads and hearts as they look at life around them.  Just a glimpse, really, because their experiences are ever so much more than mine has been.

I don't think they're courting death so much as they're trying to find something...anything...that might make them feel again.  Something that will overcome the grief-filled apathy that comes along with numbness.  Something that will help them connect again to the living, maybe jump-start the very breath in their lungs.

That's where I am in these last few weeks.  I feel within me an urge to push, push, push beyond comfort zones, stretch outside of any and all boundaries.

As more time has passed since Chuck's death, the emptiness inside me grows.  Irrespective of my kids and grands and friends and other family, all of whom I love dearly, I feel completely alone.  Life goes on, as it should.  Yes, I know I'm loved by so many and I am so blessed with that, but those relationships don't replace being someone's someone, do they?

What is this growing sense of wanting to live on the edge?  Do I want to sky-dive? No.  Honestly, my first thought is to go out somewhere, anywhere, and go crazy with lovers.  Not in a one-night stand way but in a getting to know a man and then having wild and crazy sex with him.  And even as I write this, I realize that this crazy urge is the result of the distinct lack of intimacy in my life since Chuck died.  It has to do with the disconnect with my sense of female-ness and connecting with male energy so that I can (might) experience that again.  It has to do with wanting to be hugged and kissed and touched by a strong man.  Even though I want desperately for that man to be Chuck.

I'm so sad that Chuck died and I don't know anymore if it's sadness that is emptiness inside me or emptiness with sadness and there is a burning wish in my soul to force myself into some semblance of feeling again, of connectedness again.

I can't stand it that he died.  I can't stand it that I'm a widow.  I'm sad and it's overwhelming and it makes me think what the fuck I'm just going to find a decent guy and have wild and crazy sex and then maybe....maybe it will be enough of a distraction that I'll get a break and...breathe.

I don't know.  I don't know much of anything any longer.  Except the emptiness filled with his absence.


  1. Alison, my fighter pilot, my hero, died June 21, 2011. My husband, my love, and I shared a chemistry from the day we met. I felt as though I had known him all my life; perhaps in a prior life. We loved and lived a life together for 16 years. You just expressed the lonely hell I've lived since 3:11 a.m. on June 21, 2011. As I approach the fourth anniversary of his death, memories flood my mind, my heart, and my soul at any given moment. I can't let the other half of me go. Male friends of my husband say to me "there will never be another Rich." Oh God, how I know that. I feel so alone and empty even in a crowd. I keep asking how do I live this emptiness; live being so alone. I woke up this morning to memories and tears. Thank you for expressing all that I feel. We are sisters in this sad and empty existence. Karen

  2. I so miss being someones someone too. Not sure that will ever happen again, and that makes me so sad. Can't ponder on it that thought, miss the physical part of that life so much it hurts. How can this be my life?

  3. My beloved passed out of this earthly existence on Jan 21, 2013. I died the same day. I don't have any desire or need to experience my femaleness not because I don't miss the warmth of his body and his sweet love but more because I could never get near another man in that way without getting violently ill. I can hardly get near men in general. There is simply nothing or no one that will ever compare to the kind of love that was all encompassing that my believed gave me.

    And I know what you feel like Karen. I am now at 2 years and 4 months and counting. That's all I do is count. Why? Because I can't believe I am stuck here on this earth having to move air around and pretend it means anything at all to me for this long and god forbid I last too much longer. Four years? Please don't let me last that long.

    And this is not about life being fair. I know that. This is about me, a woman who loved a man so completely and so unconditionally that I have given up trying to find meaning in any of this. I have resigned myself to this horrible existence and am looking for any solutions short of taking it on myself to hasten my demise. I'm truly over the need to continue, this is just a bad bad joke.

  4. I fully understand this. I am at the 17 month mark of losing my husband of 35 years. Our chemistry was always explosive...our connection and commitment was for eternity. I feel as you do, so blessed to have my adult children and grands, a rewarding teaching job, good people, a safe place to live, but yet, I feel that I am waiting...waiting...waiting. I do not know for what. To feel fully alive again? What will make me feel that, I have no idea, for I only long for my husbands' touch. Ugh. Sending all my love on the wings of a desert sparrow. Deborah