you know what's
not easy?
talking about what
happened on march 25th, 2008
over and over and over and over
again.
(you people know this better than anyone).
i lived it.
i wrote about it
and now
i'm reading it out
loud to
crowds of people
i wouldn't know
if it hadn't happened to me,
to us,
a little more
than three years ago.
i thought it
would get easier,
as i kept talking...
it hasn't.
but it has been incredibly
helpful for me
to talk about
it and to try to
give people even
a slight understanding
of what i was feeling
in that first year.
...
that said,
i often wonder
why the fuck i
put myself through
all of this?
is the pain
i endure every time
i open my mouth
at one of these events
really worth it?
yeah.
it turns out that
it is.
the shared experience.
that thing that
can help us relate
to one another
and convince ourselves
that we are not alone
in this shit
is more powerful
than i'd ever understood.
and the more
i share my experience,
the more people i
meet who can
help alter my perspective
in the most
incredibly meaningful ways.
so i keep talking
and crying in public
and it helps me
more than i could
have hoped.
What you're doing is important work. Keep it up! You won't even know all the people you've helped through this process, and I'm so glad it's helping you too.
ReplyDeleteWell said Matt. I can commiserate and fully agree with the flip side of the coin. Helping others is such a big part of healing. It's such a strange feeling to be both excited by your accomplishment and feeling sad/guilty for how it came to be in the first place. Such a roller coaster of emotions. Hands up, baby. Hands up.
ReplyDeleteYou can never imagine all the lives you, Liz and Maddie have touched. Because you are online and there are so many people who touch your website, this one and others who know you and who know your story, your sharing is huge! I think sometimes that if I can help one widow through one lonely night by connecting with them, then maybe it makes the pain mean something. It's important that it means something - that it isn't all for nothing. You know what I mean, the "why did they die?" syndrome. Why did they have to be the one chosen to die young rather than living a fulfilling long life? We expect to live a long life, don't we? We think that we are invincible - until we're not.
ReplyDeletePlease keep on doing what you do Matt, it is so incredibly valuable and it helps so many people.
Lyn
After hearing you read on Tuesday and watching everyone's reaction, I got a better understanding of how your story has affected people. You have given a louder voice to people who grieve and made those of us who have not lost a spouse a little more sensitive and a little more aware of what someone might be going through.
ReplyDeleteMatt, you have definately touched me by your words and helped me to heal and not feel alone. Every time I run into someone who has become a widow/er.I recommend this blog! I have had no other real place to turn to to feel less alone. I am so grateful all of you are here!~
ReplyDeleteI come to this website when I am desperate (like today), when I am hopeful, when I need to hear my own voice, when I need to hear the courage of others. Telling the story - helps others to know that life can change so quickly and everything you thought of your future life - can disappear in an instant. I don't know if you can ever truly know it unless you have experienced it but when someone stands before you and tells you their truth - it is in some ways a warning - like the old posts in Japan that said "beware Tsunami". . .
ReplyDeleteLyn, thank you for the reminder that in sharing the pain and connecting with others you do so many things - the most important is a reminder that we are not alone in our grieving. Others have lost their spouses/partners/loves - as we have.
A moment ago I was hit with one of those "desperate grief" moments - Spring, his birthday coming, setting the table for a dinner I am having and remembering how we did this together, looking out the window into a future that seems like one slow march of despair.
Now, I sit down and just let the tears come and I cry for the great loss of my husband and I come here and tell someone that today is a day that knowing someone else can tell a similar story - helps.
thank you
I've been worried about that for you. I bought the book, but still can't even read it. After reading your blog for so long and feeling the sheer pain and exhaustion the first time around....it's hard to do it all over again. You are brave for doing what you do, and I admire you for that.
ReplyDeleteMatt, to give when you are in pain is the greatest gift of all. It's a selfless act.
ReplyDeleteI'm proud to tell people that I have met you x