Thursday, December 8, 2011

All I Want for Christmas

Photo from here...

Anyone who reads this knows what each and every one of us would like for Christmas if we could have whatever we wanted....We also know that's an impossibility.
We could sit and count every moment that we are missing our love. Every scenario that lacks our spouse. Every tradition that falls flat without their presence.
Or we can try to find the glow that once existed in the holiday season. We can remember the laughter and hope to feel the love that was and, hopefully, is somehow still held for us by our loved one.
There are times that I feel that the "celebration" part of December is lost on me. There are certainly moments that I fantasize about ripping off and stomping on those reindeer antlers affixed to jolly people's car windows.
But this year, I can't help but think, "What would Jeff want me to do at Christmas?" And under all my gloom and "bah humbug-ing", I find a little bit of holiday joy bubble up from somewhere forgotten.
I remember his beloved traditions - lifesaver books in the kid's stockings, homemade stuffing (dressing) in the turkey that resembled liver (he always had to make me a separate batch without the giblets), and drinking large amounts of Irish cream all day in his morning coffee.
My favourite memories involve waiting for the kids to fall asleep and attempting to be as quiet as possible while giggling maniacally over his rendition of a dark-haired, tiptoeing Santa Claus or his hilarious ways of wrapping my presents (in toilet paper for instance).
So this Christmas, I will buy the lifesaver books, stock the cupboard with large amounts of Baileys and attempt to create stuffing (aka dressing) that resembles an internal organ.
Although I will most likely forgo the strange wrapping paper, I will buy myself something that HE would have bought me. Something that would make me smile and feel loved. Something just. for. me.
And I will force myself to stop my fantasies involving vandalizing the ornamentation on Christmas revelers vehicles......Okay, maybe not. But I won't actually do the damage.
I am sure that there will be sad and lonely times. But I will be damned if I do not smile and let the warmth of his love and the love of my family warm my heart. Because, really, that is all anyone could want or need.


  1. I am with you Jackie, 100%. I especially like the idea of buying myself a gift from him. I hadn't thought of it. I may even wrap it and put it under the tree! If we all did that, imagine how many angles would be smiling down on Christmas morning.

  2. Jackie, My siblings and I always received the Lifesaver books in our stockings, as have our chidden for the last 25 years! Just looking at a Lifesaver book makes me smile. :) I think we should contact the company and do a commercial ..... if we throw in the "widow card" they'd totally go for it!
    Thanks for the post. It is nice to have the smiles and laughter unexpectedly show up this month. Each instance brings a little bit of warmth .... and helps remind me what December used to be .... and what I want it to be again.

  3. P.S. I also buy myself a gift from Jim .... every year. For every occasion. :)
    When I open one I can picture him looking at me with one eyebrow raised as if to say, "Really?! You thought I'd spend THAT much?!" And then I smile because we both know that he would. :)

  4. Jackie, your post hit me hard but not as one might expect. I have been incredibly sad this second holiday season without my husband. But you made me remember all the years that my husband and I spent staying up to the early morning hours drinking egg nog and then attempting construction of some crazy "santa" toys. My kids are now in their early 20s.

    Thank you for reminding me of all those special Christmas moments. I feel so grateful!

    Today, my heart breaks for you and all those widows that have children that still believe in Santa. My tears are for you. You all absolutely deserve the courage award!!!!

  5. I'm glad I am not the only one who does the gift thing, and not just at Christmas. Sometimes I get myself something practical, which Matt often did, but usually I splurge and get myself the thing I want or would have been surprised if he had gotten for me. Nobody understands why I do it and most probably think I'm being selfish. But if I don't do it, nobody else will remember that I would have a gift too.

  6. Just finished my grandchildrens stockings. With a tear and remembering all the times my husband and I made Christmas magical for our children and now theirs.
    When I was done and put the five stockings in a little row on the sofa, I heard his say "good job, they look great Mrs. Claus"

  7. "I am sure that there will be sad and lonely times. But I will be damned if I do not smile and let the warmth of his love and the love of my family warm my heart. Because, really, that is all anyone could want or need."
    Beautiful, Jackie. Just beautiful.

  8. This Christmas Dave is buying me an iPhone.

    He always liked to make me smile.

  9. There are two Leona Lewis song that this post reminder me of "Yesterday". which sings about how nothing can take our previous memories away and the "Better in Time" which has a line- I am going to smile, because I deserve too. They are two songs that have help me get through so many days. They reminded me that my love would not want me to forget to enjoy my life and even feel joy along with the saddness. He would want that especially this time of year that he loved. But that said, I still think about still wanting him back just less than I use to.