I got up this morning with one important task to accomplish, decorate the front of the house with holiday lights. I've notice the number of houses in the neighborhood slowly being lit up with beautiful lights of every color. My daughter has been asking when we would show our holiday spirit by lighting up our house as well.
As I don't do anything small scale, I ventured out to find all the newest, and latest, house lights on the market. I found a nice supply at a local big box store, then came right home to get started. After setting up all the cool things I had purchased I decided that I needed more. I decided I would head across town to a department store where they would likely have something different for me to choose from. After finding just what I was looking for I decided I should use the opportunity to buy some gift wrap, stocking stuffers and a couple of new stockings for the two new people in our lives. I grabbed one for my daughter's boyfriend, then another for my own new love.
The store was filled with shoppers. The shelves were stocked high with bright holiday items, and there was the continuous sound of beautiful holiday music. As I pushed my cart down the isle I could feel the earth beneath me sinking. No the ground was not actually sinking, but my heart was becoming so heavy that it felt like my whole being was caught in some kind of quick sand. Within a minute or two I was fighting off the crowd, trying with all my might to get to the damn cashier. I felt like I could barely breath, and then it happened.
Tears.
Why does it still hurt so bad? It's been over two years since he left. It's been three years since he was here to celebrate Christmas with me. It was four years ago that we celebrated Michael's "perfect Christmas." He knew that he was dying, and he didn't know if it would be his last, so he wanted to have the perfect old fashioned Christmas he never had as a child. We did it up wonderfully. It was just that, perfect. The following year he was still around. That year he called it his "bonus Christmas." He wasn't doing as well by then, so our celebration was much quieter, and modest.
In the year that followed we had a white stocking that hung in the front room. Throughout the days leading to Christmas the kids and I filled it with hand written memories and some of his favorite treats. Last year was a bit easier, as I was busy moving into a new house, and didn't take much notice of the holiday until the last minute.
This year there is someone new. I think I will call it my "bittersweet Christmas." I've noticed a phenomena that occurs throughout my week. The days that my new love, Abel, is around I am at peace. I feel loved, and I feel quite content. The days that he is away I feel Michael's absence. I remember his love, my heart feels heavy, and I feel sad. I know that in time I will be able to better blend the love I feel from, and for, both of these two beautiful men. In fact last night I had a dream, and in my dream both Abel and Michael were one being. I remember being with the him they became, and feeling both loved and confused. I know that I continue to struggle with the emotions of my heart. I continue to seek a better understanding of who I am. Michael's husband, Abel's boyfriend, a widower, someones lover.
Bittersweet.
My life has become bittersweet.
Dan,
ReplyDeleteFirst please know that I look forward to reading each and every one of your posts. I am currently showing signs of "widow's-fog" so I never remember which day you post. When I scroll down and see your name, I smile. Thanks for that!
Your words today "The days that my new love, Abel, is around I am at peace. I feel loved, and I feel quite content. The days that he is away I feel Michael's absence. I remember his love, my heart feels heavy, and I feel sad." stir up more doubt in my widow brain.
I am almost at 4 years, I've just recovered from a 2-3 month HUGE + DEEP depression, I am fulling functioning, and I am once again thinking about dating. But shhh about that because I am very ashamed to admit that I NEED someone.
My question to you, after reading today's post is, is it worth it? Is the searching, trial dating, possible rejection, time, and energy worth it if you are still feeling so heavy and sad when Abel is not around?
I've written and rewritten my profile numerous times. I am trying to be as honest as possible, so not to waste anyones time, especially my own. But I have never posted my profile because I question, IS IT WORTH IT?
-ruth
Dan, if you are still in the two year range I don't find it odd that it still hurts. I'm at two years and everything is bitter or bittersweet. The holidays magnify all of it. I was going to put up my tree this weekend, but my emotions are blocking me, because my husband and I always did it together and it makes me sad to do it alone. This will be my third Christmas without him. And after 28 of them with him, it's very hard. The first year I was in total shock, because he passed only a couple of months before. I made sure I had it all done because of my child, I didn't want to make big changes, wanted stability. But it was very robotic. Last year was a struggle to decorate and shop, and it was a pretty depressing Christmas. Although I thought I've been making progress of late, the holidays are dragging me back down again. I haven't dated, but I can only imagine the emotions that get stirred up when you get into a new relationship. I'm sure there is alot of emotional conflict. But I guess it's like everything else, eventually you are ready to put a foot into the water and it's another roller coaster ride of emotion. Give yourself credit for all of the forward motion you've made...moving, new home, new love. I'm still stuck where I was two years ago, so I give you a ton of credit.
ReplyDeletehello sweetheart.
ReplyDeleteYou got me crying already, and this isn't even a fully sad post.
Dave was diagnosed with terminal cancer less than two weeks before Christmas (and his birthday which was Dec 23rd. At that time the decorations were already up and we just floated along in denial of the surrealness of it all. (Seriously. Who gets a terminal diagnosis at Christmas and goes into the hospital for the first step in the treatment on your birthday?)
ReplyDeleteThen exactly 6 months later on June 14 2010 he died.
This will be our 2nd Christmas without him. I overwhelmingly do not feel like decorating but will force myself to. I know that if I don't the lack of 'Christmas' around the house will be only more depressing during that stretch between Dec 23rd and Jan 1st. So last month I fought with the Christmas strands outside before the weather turned too cold here in Canada, and waited until December 1st to turn them (mainly because Dave always insisted we wait until December before turning on the lights.)
Dave used to go out and cut down our tree every year. Initially with myself and our son, then sometimes just our son, or later sometimes just me, and sometimes he'd take his entire basketball team that he coached out to a tree farm to cut one down.
Today I drove to Costco alone and picked up a 7 or 8 foot tree. As I watched two strapping young guys struggle to get the thing into the back hatch of my car I wondered how on earth I was going to get it out of there alone.
Well, somehow I managed (sheer pigheaded stubbornness that refuses to ask for help) and it's now leaning up on the front porch out of the rain. (Amazingly enough it did not result in a breakdown.) I might have to give in and ask for help with getting it into the house and upright in the stand. I just feel that it's so depressing to have to do it without Dave that I don't want to 'inflict' that on others to ask for help. Anybody I asked would gladly help, but I don't want to see the pity in their eyes, and think about the discussion they'll have back in their own home with their spouse about how sad it was.
So I stubbornly keep on keeping on. I will even host my family's Christmas Eve get-together as Dave & I had for the last 12 years or so. I'm beginning to feel that my stubbornness has played a huge factor in coping and functioning through all of this. There are moments when the veneer cracks and I breakdown, but my stubborn streak is definitely helping me get through as
I refuse to wallow in despair and constant sadness.
I feel that it would be a lot harder to climb out of that pit, then it is to dance around the dark opening of it.
Thank you to everyone who has read today's post, and to those that left comments.
ReplyDeleteRuth, as someone mentioned above, keep in mind that I am just past two years out. I still have work to do, and I try to remind myself that my time with Mike was quite intense, both in the love we shared, and in the caretaking that I provided him. But to answer your question...yes, it is worth it.
I don't think that the choice I have made to begin dating is right for everyone. Some choose to go at life on their own, and other's don't know when they will be ready. For me, I knew that I needed new love to carry me through. Because Michael knew he was dying we had plenty of time to discuss the life that I would have without him. He knew that I would need more of that love in my life, as my life is quite challenging as a parent.
I consider myself quite fortunate, as the person I met has been a wonderful match for me. He has a gentle spirit, just like Michael did. He has a lot of love to give me, and he nourishes my soul. He also does not feel threatened by the fact that I still love my husband, and that I still grieve him. Because of the type of love I have found, I have exposed my fragile heart. I think that a direct consequence of this is that I am feeling the loss of Michael in new, and sometimes quite intense ways. I now have someone holding me. At times I have someone asleep beside me. While I am always aware that it is Abel who is there, I'm sure that my heart and body is doing a lot of remembering as it is being comforted. That is why when Abel is gone, I am left missing both men. Of course, the missing of Michael is on a very different level.
Long story short. Yes. It is worth it.
Definitely.
Dan - your comments resonate so much with me. Especially this The days that my new love, Abel, is around I am at peace. I feel loved, and I feel quite content. The days that he is away I feel Michael's absence. I remember his love, my heart feels heavy, and I feel sad. I know that in time I will be able to better blend the love I feel from, and for, both of these two beautiful men. In fact last night I had a dream, and in my dream both Abel and Michael were one being. I remember being with the him they became, and feeling both loved and confused. I know that I continue to struggle with the emotions of my heart."
ReplyDeleteThis has helped me so much. Lately I feel confused. I have feelings for someone and they for me. When i am in their company I feel (not happy) but peaceful, exactly as you described. When they are away my grief comes home like a tital wave. I want to be sure my feelings are not just relief. Not just me desperately wanting to feel anything but the feeling I have right now - which is "I can't /don' t want to keep going on".
so it is painful. I don't know if the person is giving me hope, love, a light at the end of this dark tunnel - it feels that way. But I doubt myself a lot. My heart breaks daily but when I am with her. . .I don't feel like I am bleeding to death.
Thanks for sharing this.