Tuesday, March 27, 2012


headache on 365 Project

I am sad today.
I just heard news of another new widow ... this one, with a little more sting than most.
You see, her son died a month ago. 
He was 21.
But there was worse to come.....

Her husband could not cope with his grief and instead of speaking about it, he ended his own life instead.

This leaves another new widow and a teenager without two people in their family.

....and it makes me want to scream for them.

...and echo the words of Lori Dwyer, when she told the men at the funeral of her husband to SPEAK dammit.
Speak about the pain.
Speak about your feelings.
Speak about your suicidal thoughts.
Speak to someone.
Because, as Lori also points out .... the world is not "better off without you".

Grief is hard, intense, dark and frightening.  If can make your mind go to places it has never been before.

But the "alternative" ... well it isn't really an alternative is it?  It is an exit from the world and it just exponentially multiplies the pain for those that are left to pick up the pieces.

So if you are reading this, grieving so hard that you think there is an "alternative", please, PLEASE  

International Suicide Prevention Wiki: http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/International_Suicide_Prevention_Directory

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  1. Damn straight baby.... speak. Please.

    It's a stramge heavy sadness, isn't it...? Knowing there's another one of 'us' just been created- or decimated, as the case may be.

    Thank you xxx

    1. Thank you for writing your heart out Lori. XXXX

  2. Amanda - How very sad to hear this story.
    I was one of those people. My mother, sister, brother all died of cancer in a short time. Then my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died.
    When he was ill I kept going, keeping him alive with my love. By loving his as much as I could.
    After he died. . . I didn't think the world was better off without me. I thought I couldn't live in it without him.
    I couldn't breathe.
    I couldn't sleep.
    I didn't want to wake to a day without him in it.
    There were two nights where I held onto my life by a thread. One of those nights I came here to widows voice and poured out my anguish and grief. I didn't think I could keep going. I didn't want to.
    But here I am - 16 months after his death.
    I am so glad I didn't take my life. I would have hurt my children and grandchildren. I would have left a message that life is not worth living. I would have betrayed my husbands words "live!".

    Yet, I have no judgment for the father in your story. For that moment he could not see the light in the dark. I just feel such depth of sadness for him and for the wife and mother left behind.

    We must SPEAK because all of us will lose someone we love to death. We must speak about what it means to live and to die because we are all going to die one day.
    BUT - our life is significant. There are people who love us. We are here to be a witness to each other. A witness of love and survival and resilience and hope.

    Speak - tell your friends, your family, your doctor, your grown children. Call a suicide hotline and speak to someone. Come here and pour it out in your comments.

    Tell yourself another hour, another night, another day, week, month. I will give myself time because I can say for certain just this week I had a few days where I thought "my new life does not look like my old one but I am so grateful, deeply grateful I have it to live."
    My granddaughter hugged me the other day and said "I love you so much" and all I could think was of everything I would have missed had I taken my life.

    Thank you Widows Voice ~ you kept me alive one dark hour, when I couldn't do it for myself and I speak about it here only to encourage anyone reading this - believe me, the world is better with you in it. Someone needs you right this minute. Find out who they are and give them all the love you still have to give.

  3. Amanda, I am truly saddened by this story and can't imagine losing both a child and a husband.

    I wish you could somehow publish this to the world around us. Unfortunately, society tries to hush us. No one wants to listen to us cry out through the pain and darkness that grief brings. We are told that we are strong when we don't display tears or talk about the person we lost.

    We should all take your message of SPEAK to the streets and those we know that have experienced losses.

    1. Oh hon, thank you, but it's not my message - it is Lori Dwyer's (from comment #1 above). She tells it like it is with all it's heartbreaking realness. ...and I'm just trying to drive that message further.

  4. So sad to read this. I wish I could be there for the two of them, grief is hard enough without losing again so soon! My husband's friends shocked me and everyone at his funeral when so many of them did get up to speak and even shed a tear. It was the most healing thing for me to see others cared about my husband as much as my daughter's and I did. I even had people from work who did not know my husband, how touched they were at his funerial and what a great guy he must have been. So please do speak often and honestly, because it really helps those grieving to heal too!

  5. I'm sorry for all of your losses. On the subject of suicidal thoughts: Never believe that suicide is an escape from anything, PLEASE! I lost my loving husband to suicide four years ago. It has ruined my life and relationships with others. I'll always represent their grief in losing him. You have no idea how much pain you'd leave behind. There are good moments, and I'm generally okay, but I have never stopped loving my husband and never will. I miss him and long for him constantly. I believe it's very possible that when a person goes on, they can see what they've left behind and are frustrated because they can't do anything about it anymore, whether it's helping a loved one or working on something left undone. This may not be true, but if it is - is this a chance worth taking? A permanent solution that may be no solution at all? Seek help, and please accept the help.